The strong daughter isn't always unbreakable
by Bri White
Summary: When Stef and Lena's daughter finally breaks under everything she deals with in her life how will it impact them and their family. It helps if you read one of my other two stories about my oc (taylor) but it'll still make sense if you haven't. This will show how self harm and depression can really impact a family. Much better than my summary, that I promise. Read past chapter 1 plz
1. Chapter 1

**Trigger warning, dealing with self harm and depression right now and this story is how I'm dealing with it so it's gonna be dark. It's also not going to be very well written because I'm writing while upset and crying, so I apologize now for that.**

Taylor had been getting bad again, she was always angry, always tired, always sad. Taylor had kept it quiet about "cutting" before she entered the Foster home. And when Lena found her the second time after school she promised that she hadn't touched her skin. But Taylor had harmed herself before, she used a pen cap, It cut enough for there to be some blood, but it wasn't deep enough to leave any scars, days later they would fade and she would pretend it never happened.

She had tried to kill herself once but Stef had stopped her, she clearly wasn't in the best mental health before but now she had been acting as if everything was better. Not to mention the therapy and pills had worked for a while. Stef and Lena really did try to make sure that their daughter was alright, and in a safe mental health place. But those were only band-aids to the solution, especially since Taylor had stopped taking the pills over a month ago and her therapist said she didn't need to go to regular sessions anymore. Taylor had tricked the system. She had tricked herself, she had pretended to be happy for long enough, she almost believed it.

Stef and Lena began to believe that that Taylor was the flawless child. The strong kid who had been through some horrible stuff but was still one of the happiest girls ever. Maybe the strong kid wasn't so strong, maybe the happy child, wasn't very happy at all.

But now, now things at school were getting worse. And she seemed to be angrier and angrier at her family. She and Mariana were currently in a fight but Taylor was too depressed to remember what it was about, or even to care.

Taylor had been sitting on the couch when Mariana came into the house yelling at her, "I hate you! You should go kill yourself!"

Taylor was shocked, tears began to stream down her face. She quickly jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs past Stef and Lena who were standing on the stairs and into her room where she locked the door and fell the the floor sobbing. As she was sitting on her floor she pulled out her journal, another hidden thing from her past. She flipped to an open page but couldn't find the words to write anything, she couldn't focus enough to write. Shaking, she quickly stood up and began to pace while sobbing. She knew exactly what she wanted to do, she had been wanting to cut for a really long time. Taylor knew that Mariana's words shouldn't have hurt her that badly, she knew Mariana probably didn't mean it, but something about how she said it made Taylor believe that not even her family cared about her.

Taylor dug through her dresser drawer and found her shaver. The blades within the razor were sharp enough. She dropped it to the ground surprised at how easily she had gone straight for the blade and not for her a lighter object, like a pen cap.

Pacing some more, still sobbing, Taylor punched a wall. Again she tried to control her sobs and shaking body but couldn't seem to calm down enough. She had been having this problem a lot lately, nightmares waking her up at 2am and not being able to sleep or stop shaking afterwards.

She had been having trouble eating, and when she didn't have trouble eating she ate way more than she should. She couldn't sleep most nights and the nights she did she slept for hours and had trouble waking herself up in the morning to get to school. It was clear to anyone who knew the signs, Taylor was severely depressed. She knew it herself, but refused to admit it.

Finally sitting down again, she somehow managed to quiet her sobs. Taylor was still shaking but somehow managed to take the razor to her arm and made a relatively straight mark. Frowning as she looked at her arm, dropping her razor to the group she grabbed the cap of her pen. It was a quicker way to cut her arm.

"Your sister told you to kill yourself, now you have no one. Even your family thinks you should kill yourself." She whispered. Taylor sitting still staring at the marks on her arm, Taylor noticed the blood that began to flow from her arm. She quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her arm tightly hoping it would stop the blood before someone came to ask why she was locked in her room.

With the towel around her arm, she went to lie down on her bed. Closing her eyes, and resting her head on her arm that now had cuts and scratches across it she stopped crying. She was still alive and her arm hurt more than her everything going through her head, for the moment.

After about five or so minutes, Taylor's arm had stopped bleeding. Quietly curling up into a ball, Taylor calmed herself enough to stop shaking. Cutting had done what she had hoped, she didn't feel anything anymore, she wasn't overwhelmed, she wasn't angry, hurt or sad. She just felt, numb. Taylor quietly sat there for another few minutes, a teacher had asked her the other day if she cut and she wanted to tell them yes, she wanted to stop and she wanted help but she was afraid that Stef and Lena would then find out. And she didn't want them to know, she didn't want people to start fussing over her, she didn't want to always be watched, and she didn't want to pity of people when they found out what she did.

**Author's note: **

**I'm actually really sorry about this chapter of my new story. I'm not sure if any of this made sense but I relapsed today after my sister coming home and yelling at me about how she hated me and I should just go kill myself. I will develop this story more, I just really wanted to write a chapter now to try and keep myself busy after I did what I did. Anyways, I got a review on my other story with Taylor telling me to worry about my health before writing and if writing wasn't what made me happy not to write. I love writing and I love your reviews, I just need to write a story that deals with more emotional things than a story with a love story and a happy girl. Anyways, would you like me to continue this story? And if I do continue the story should I continue to put myself into taylor or just follow a storyline. I could do both if that's what you wanted. Either way let me know what you think and I'll probably update this, (and my other Taylor stories) soon. Thanks! **


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay I need a volunteer." Taylor's science teacher announces to the class as he places two containers with liquid and cotton balls on the empty table next to her. Being in advanced earth science meant she didn't have any of her friends of siblings in the class leaving the seat next to her empty.

"Taylor, you're right here you can do it." The teacher decided as he continued to set up the experiment.

Taylor rolled her eyes, it was the eighth block of the day and there was only twenty minutes left of class, she had just been about to mentally check out of the class when her teacher decided he wanted her, the only kid who didn't volunteer, to be the one that helped with this experiment.

"Okay, pull up your sleeves." The teacher instructed.

Taylor just quickly shook her head, "What, why? No!" She said no more forcefully than she meant to but she just kept thinking back to the fresh scars from last night. She really didn't want to display her cut up arms to the entire class and her teacher for some stupid science grade. Plus she was pretty sure it was required for her teachers to report back to the vice principal or principal or someone if a teacher found out that a student had been cutting. And it wasn't even just her vice principal, it was her mother. Someone she couldn't disappoint with her weak need to cut.

"Taylor, could I talk to you real quick after class?" The teacher asked after Taylor had refused to pull up her sleeves and participate in the experiment.

"I, uh, I don't have long. I think my mom wants me to hurry so we can get home. Family dinner or something tonight." Taylor lamely came up with an excuse trying to get away without talking to her teacher.

"This won't take long, I promise I'll let your mom know why you were late." The teacher tried to reassure her as he closed the classroom door. Shit, Taylor thought, she knew a closed door meant the teacher wanted to ask her something "personal" and expected her to answer, "honestly."

"Why were you so reluctant to participate today during the experiment?" The teacher asked, he obviously didn't take the same course all her other teachers had of, "if you wanted to ever talk to me, this is a safe space to do so" crap.

Taylor shrugged, "I don't like participating in situations of which I don't know what's going to happen. When someone tells me to expose any part of my body so they can do some sort of experiment, I don't like the fact that I'm not in control. I now know it was only water and rubbing alcohol," Taylor paused, which would have practically caused me to cry from pain if you have ever seen how many cuts I have on my arm she thought before returning her attention to the teacher. "I would have participated had I understood that was all it was and why we were conducting this experiment in class. I'm sorry and will try to participate more the next time." She apologized with a fake sympathetic smile.

The teacher slowly nodded, "As long as there isn't another reason that you refused to take off your jacket or roll up your sleeves."

Taylor just pressed her lips together again and forced another smile, "There's no reason. Thank you, I've got to get going before my mom starts to worry." She said slowly slipping out the door of the classroom, as she entered the hallway she whispered to herself, "And if there was a reason you wouldn't find out. I don't trust you, and you just made the entire class wonder why you jerk."

Taylor sprinted across the beach so that she could just get to her mom's car. She was ready to go home and go to her room, it had been a stressful week and it seemed like more and more people began to ask her about why she was always wear long sleeves. And the weather was getting even warmer and it was hard to convince everyone she was still cold.

"Hey love, I was beginning to think you had walked home with a friend." Lena smiled as her daughter fell into the passenger seat next to her. Taylor just shook her head no and plugged into her music while staring out the window.

It took a while before Taylor realized that Lena wasn't driving in the direction of their house but instead just driving around. Taking her ear buds out she faced Lena, "Is there a reason we're driving in circles?"

Lena couldn't help but chuckle, if no one knew better Taylor would have been Stef's daughter with her temper. "Is there a reason you aren't telling me what you're thinking? You've been listening to music and staring out the window for twenty-five minutes."

Taylor just shrugged, "My friend wants to talk to one of her teachers because she's been self harming." Taylor slowly explained while coming up with the lie, "But she doesn't want her parents to know. And I was trying to remember if teachers are required to report that type of stuff."

Lena watched her daughter carefully, something about the story didn't seem right but Taylor gave no signs that it was a lie. "I'm not sure exactly if it's required to report it but if it were you or one of your siblings I'd want to know as your mom, and would be quiet upset if a teacher didn't tell me that they thought you were harming yourself.

Shit. Now I can't talk to anyone about it. Taylor thought as she nodded, "I was trying to get her to tell her parents anyways, if she needs help she needs help. That doesn't make her weak."

Lean finally pulled into the drive way. Taylor smiled at her mom, even though it was killing her that she just lied to her mother. The teen grabbed her bookbag and ran up the stairs to her room before falling onto her bed. She was screwed, she couldn't talk to anyone and if they saw they would tell Lena. Taylor began to shake again, she was just so angry that there was no one she could talk to about this. She took a razor out of her drawer again but put it back as she heard Lena come up the stairs. "Come on, it's movie night. Girls choice this week."

Taylor nodded and smiled faintly. She was just going to keep on faking it and breaking down when she was alone at two in the morning.

Author's note:

Thank you for all your amazing reviews. Something weird happened yesterday when I uploaded the first chapter so I'm sorry for that. Again I took a situation from my life to put into taylor's story. I really want someone to talk to but I'm afraid a teacher will have to contact my parents, i'm not sure if there's any rules on that or not. Anyways I added a bit of story into my story with the interaction with Lena. What did you think and what do you want to see. I didn't cut so far today and I'm about to go to bed so one day clean. Yay?


	3. Chapter 3

Stef and Lena were sitting at the table drinking their morning cup of coffee when Callie heard them quietly talking to eachother. "But our daughter, I didn't think she would do that." Lena whispered causing Callie to stop. Callie didn't make a noise, wanting to know what was going on with one of her sisters.

"Maybe it really was for a friend that she was asking. She's seemed to be a lot happier now. And besides, Taylor's on meds and just got cleared to stop therapy sessions. I don't think she would cut herself." Stef's voice could be heard.

"But," Lena didn't sound convinced, "We have stopped her from harming herself before. Twice that we know of, there may of be other times before she came to us. She might have stopped sessions and things started getting to be to much in her head. And it's been almost a year now since her trial, maybe something's triggering her?"

Callie stood still for a minute outside of the doorway to the kitchen, her moms were worried that Taylor had been cutting. Callie closed her eyes trying to remember if she had seen anything on Taylor's arms or legs while they were in their room together. She couldn't seem to remember anything but a lot of times it's not something you would notice unless you were looking.

Lena sighed, "Should I ask her teachers? They're required by law to tell administration about it and then contact the parents. So if she just told one of them Friday, then maybe they'll say something to me on monday?"

There was a moment of silence before Stef spoke again, "Didn't you tell her that you weren't sure if teachers had to report it? Maybe she was asking before she trusted somebody, besides love, Taylor would come to one of us. She know's that she has an emotional bond with both of us and came to you once."

At this point, footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs so Callie stepped into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee, acting as if she hadn't heard that whole conversation between her two moms.

Taylor was the next child to enter the kitchen and everyone looked up at her, concern in their eyes and she could tell that Lena had been talking to Stef. Smiling and pretending she didn't notice she opened the fridge looking for yogurt to make a breakfast shake.

"Morning loves." Stef said, she was trying not to stare at her youngest daughters long sleeves but couldn't help but wonder if she was wrong and Taylor had cuts up her arms.

Taylor sensed Stef staring at her and put the yogurt back in the fridge before looking up towards her moms, "Could I go for a run before breakfast? Or even better a run and then swim? I promise I'll be back before the other kids get up."

Lena looked to her wife, who was still staring at Taylor's arms, "I don't see anything wrong with it. Do you Stef?"

Stef finally came back from her trance shaking her head, "Sure, maybe Jesus would like to get up and go with you."

Taylor's smile flattered slightly but only enough that Callie noticed it, "Sure, I'll go see if he is awake and grab my swimsuit." She turned and slowly exited the kitchen before running up the stairs. Going into her room and turning to face away from Mariana incase she woke up, Taylor took off her long sleeves and noticed her cuts hadn't began to scab over, she was slightly worried. Closing her eyes she ran the tips of her fingers of the scabs before the sound of her bedroom door opening caused her to jump and begin slipping on her swimsuit and then her long sleeve shirt again.

Waiting for Taylor to turn around so she wouldn't scare her, Callie quickly began looking at Taylor, searching for scars, she didn't see anything wrong with her legs but couldn't catch a glimpse of her arms. "Hey, if Jesus wasn't coming with you, I was hoping I could."

Smiling, Taylor nodded even though inside she was screaming, "Sure, I don't think I'll be able to awake Jesus for at least another hour so you can come if you'd like." She faced away from her sister, shit, now Callie's gonna see my scars if I take my shirt off to swim but if I don't swim it's going to look suspicious. She thought.

Digging through the closet Taylor found a pair of short running shorts that were black and neon green, a color combination Mariana hated, and slipped them on. "Ready?" She asked facing Callie who was wearing a tee-shirt and shorts.

Within five minutes the two were out the door and running down the street, "So how long have you been awake?" Taylor asked just trying to keep her mind off how she was going to hide her arms when they reached the beach.

"Uh, not long. In fact I walked into the kitchen right before you did." Callie lied. She was biting her lip, a nervous habit of hers, hopping Taylor couldn't tell she was lying.

"So what was Stef and Lena talking about that freaked you out so badly, because one, you're lying to me now." Taylor said looking to her older sister, seeing Callie's puzzled expression she explained, "you're biting your lip and cracking your knuckles. You nervous habits." Taylor couldn't help but smile at Callie's expression of surprise, "and two you hate running. So something must be happening.

Callie sighed, she was clearly caught, but she didn't want to hurt Taylor by asking. "Well they were talking about you. I guess they're worried because you asked about your friend and if teachers had to report self harm."

Taylor closed her eyes, she knew that everyone had been watching her. Her hands began to shake, Taylor took a breath and began to run harder and faster. Callie couldn't know! Stef and Lena had no way of knowing.

"Taylor slow down! Not all of us run races for fun!" Callie called out exasperated, as she tried to keep pace with her younger sister.

"Sorry." Taylor muttered but had trouble slowing her pace. She still just wanted to run faster until she didn't feel the need to cut anymore. She was getting angry, people didn't need to know she cut. She didn't want them to know! But that only caused her to want to cut more, she was so angry that she was stupid and needed to release all of her anger and pain.

"Is your friend alright?" Callie asked cautiously.

Taylor shrugged, "She cuts, so by most people's definition, no. But she uses it as a release. To her, if she can cut she's alright. It's hard to explain." Taylor was slowing her pace to a walk as the two girls approached the beach.

Callie just nodded. "Ready to swim?"

Taylor sat down on the beach, "Why don't you go in ahead of me, I've got to stretch real quick." She said hoping to get rid of Callie so she could find a way to get in without Callie seeing the cuts.

Finally defeated Callie sighed, "It's not your friend is it? It's you? Either way you should know that if you report it to a teacher they are required by law to report it. Part of their job. So they'd have to tell Lena or Sanchez or a counselor. It would probably be Lena because then they've told administration and your mother at the same time. Lena told you she didn't know hoping you'd tell a teacher and they could come to her. She knew you were lying about it being a friend."

Taylor sat frozen, "W...Wh..What? What are you talking about? I told you it was my friend! You don't know what you're talking about, it's my friend! I'm on pills remember, and I was allowed out of therapy! I'm better now it's my friend!" Taylor was practically yelling.

Callie just closed her eyes and shook her head no as she pulled up the hem of her shirt exposing her hip. "You tricked the system into thinking you were okay. And you stopped taking your pills, I found the plastic bag the other day in one of your shoes that was filled with them. And I know all of this because I was you once." Callie said still holding the each of her shirt over her hip exposing some old scars. They were almost white which means it was a while ago. "I've been clean for a while now. I relapsed after my trial with Liam but only once and then I promised to stop. And I have but it was hard without letting our moms help me. You should tell them."

Taylor was still frozen, "I didn't know you had cut." Was all she could manage.

Callie shrugged, "And no one knew you did either until you told us. Well almost told Lena and then confirmed it to me just then. Can I see them? The cuts, to make sure they're not infected? I promise not to judge or say anything to our moms." She bent down and took her sisters hands in hers, looking Taylor in the eyes, pleading with her. "You're my sister, I love you, I want to make sure you're alright."

Taylor pulled her hands away from Callie and took her long sleeved shirt off, "Here." She said sticking her arms out and exposing the fresh cuts from the other night. "It's from two days ago, when Mariana told me to go kill myself."

Callie just sat and stared at her sister's arms, cut in no order just cuts, slashed across her arms and her heart almost broke. "How about we go swim now? Okay?"

Taylor just slowly nodded, "Well actually we don't really have time. We have to be back in twenty minutes." She quickly pulled her shirt back on and stood up ready to run again. "Let's go." She said as she started sprinting home. Callie was struggling not to run up and talk to Taylor but she could tell her younger sister was ahead because she was crying.

"Hey girls! How was your run?" Lena asked as she saw the two come in the front door.

Taylor looked to her moms who were sitting on the couch watching the morning news, "Good. We didn't end up swimming because the water was cold," and salty and would have killed my freshish cuts, she thought, "but the run part was fun."

Lena smiled, "Do you want to come watch something with us? The other kids are still in bed, you know how Saturdays are."

Callie used this as a way to excuse herself, "I've got homework but maybe I'll come down after."

Stef smiled and nodded, as her oldest daughter went up the stairs, "Taylor, you want to join us?"

Taylor just shrugged, saying no would have caused questions, "I'll go change and be right down."

Taylor ran up the stairs and grabbed an old college sweatshirt from Lenas drawer, the sweatshirt had extra long sleeves that went over Taylor's hands and a pair of tight yoga pants from her own room. After changing she went downstairs into the living room with her moms to watch something.

"Come here," Stef motioned for her daughter to come lie on her left side. Taylor winced, being on Stef's left side meant that she was lying on her right arm, the one she cut the most.

Lena heard Taylor's noise of pain, "You alright love?"

Taylor faked a smile, even though she was close to tears because of the pain, "Yeah fine, just sore I guess." An uneasy silence settled over the room, "Uh I was actually thinking about what we were talking about yesterday. I wanted to ask you a question about it. What can happen to her if those get infected?"

Lena quickly looked to Stef, panic in her eyes, "Well hopefully she could trust her parents enough to talk to them about her self harm. So she could get help, especially if the cuts were infected."

Taylor sighed as a single tear rolled down her cheek, "Moms, I want to ask you something..."

Stef and Lena both knew what she was about to tell them and they nodded smiling slightly.

"You already know don't you?" She whispered.

**Author's note:**

**So I guess that's where I choose to leave my story for the night. I used Callie in this chapter, my friend found out today that I cut because some parents at our martial arts school were talking about my scars they saw. Thankfully it wasn't my parents. And I based a lot of Callie in this chapter off from what my friend said to me. As for the end of my chapter I didn't tell my parents I instead was talking to a few of my friends who are like older siblings. Anyways I was wondering what you thought of this chapter and what you thought should happen in the future. Thank you for all your support on the story but more importantly thank you for all your support with my self harm. Days clean: 2 :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Taylor started crying, she didn't understand why but couldn't seem to stop. The tears just continued to stream down her face.

"Oh love," Lena tried to calm her daughter by wrapping Taylor into a hug. "Love, talk to us. Don't block us out now." She tried to pull Taylor close to her but Taylor began to scream and pull away from her mother.

"Stop! Don't touch me, I'm a disappointment, I'm a screw up!" Taylor sobbed pulling away from Lena, trying to stand up to run off before Stef pulled her back onto the couch and used her strength to hold Taylor still while she sat sobbing into her mom's shoulder.

"Talk to us, you're not a disappointment. We just need you to talk to us." Lena's soft voice soothed Taylor. Stef noticed a hint of hurt in her wife's voice after seeing Taylor respond better to her rather than Lena.

Taylor took a short breath to calm herself, and sat up, wiping tears from her face and looked directly at Lena. "I'm sorry but I can't explain why I do it. I don't understand it. I stopped taking my pills, I didn't want to be that weird girl with depression. I felt like people were always giving me pity. Like my teachers knew and were just giving me my grades and that people were just giving me everything so I'd feel better about my life. I know it doesn't make sense."

Both Stef and Lena had dealt with teenagers who cut before, it was part of their jobs. They had heard practically the same speech before, but something about it this time made it harder to understand. This was their daughter, that was the something that made this harder than any other time they've had to deal with troubled teenagers.

"Why aren't you yelling at me? I thought...aren't you..." Taylor continued to mumble, it was scaring her that her moms reactions weren't the way she had planned them to be, everything she had read said that her family and friends would yell at her and tell her she's an attention-seeker but Stef and Lena seemed calm, they hadn't yelled at least.

"Taylor, we aren't going to yell at you." Lena said calmly while clearly looking to Stef to make sure her wife got that memo. Stef had a tendency to get angry when she was hurt or something wasn't exactly the way it was meant to be.

Stef nodded after a minute, "And we aren't going to tell you to "just stop". She explained to her daughter, "Of course, we can't just let you go on hurting yourself..."

Taylor cut off her mom in mid-sentence, "Please don't make me go back to therapy! Or the pills, please. I hate them and the sessions are useless, she doesn't understand. I'd rather just talk to someone who understands, like...uh never mind."

Stef and Lena waited for their daughter to continue, "Like who? Love, talk to us, you can't keep freezing on us."

Taylor wiped away another tear, "I just don't like people telling me they know me better than I do. Can't I skip therapy sessions and just talk to you two? I mean momma has some degree with child psychology or something to teach right? Doesn't that count for something. Please? I'll do anything to stay away from that again."

Stef and Lena looked to each other, silently having a conversation between themselves. They couldn't have their daughter hurting herself, but it was pretty clear that sending her to talk to someone she didn't trust for a few hours a week wasn't going to be much help either. Their hands were tied.

Stef was the first one to speak, finally letting go of her daughter believing that Taylor wasn't going to try and run off again, "Well the first thing is, you know that we love you. And we are always going to love you. We're your moms and we are going to help you get through this. But we really need to work on getting you to stop hurting yourself, okay? And I know that it won't be overnight."

Taylor could only nod in acknowledgement. Stef stopped talking so Taylor turned to face Lena, who appeared to be having trouble formulating words, finally she closed her eyes and then looked to Taylor, "We won't send you back to therapy, on three conditions. One, you still need to take your anti-depressants, no matter how "happy" you try convincing us you are, I don't want to lose you. Two, you have to talk to mom and I. Everyday, every few hours, whenever you need to but you need to talk to us if you don't want to go to therapy. And finally we need to find a release for you. Some way you can calm yourself down that isn't self harm."

Taylor couldn't help but laugh, her moms were dealing with this a lot better than she imagined, a lot better than any other scenario she was warned about. "That's a lot better than I thought." She barely choked out the words.

Taylor had no idea what she thought her release was going to be, and she was glad that her moms didn't make her promise just to instantly stop cutting. It was unreasonable to expect her to have an instant change. She understood that they were going to want her to hand over her razors, sharpened pen caps and hair clips she had broken so they were sharp enough to cut. She was almost alright with that. Taylor was slowly going to recover and she was alright with having her moms help her with that, for now at least. Each day was going to become it's own struggle.

**Author's note: **

**I really don't like this chapter but I know people wanted to see Taylor talk to her moms. I'm not sure what people think of this, I know it's not my best because I'm upset and wanted to write a more emotional chapter. It's also not as great as my other chapter because I've never told my parents, or anyone really that I need help so I don't know how they would react. Anyways, I'd love to hear what you think about it. And if anyone has any ideas for Taylor's new "release", if not I'm sure I know something. Anyways, thank you for previous reviews, favorites and follows, each one makes me smile. Six days clean! :) Thanks for all the support. lots of love! **


	5. Chapter 5

Taylor was in her room, lying on her bed facing the wall. She could tell that Stef was sitting in the doorway but she didn't want to talk to her. Taylor had been avoiding being alone with Stef since she had told Stef and Lena about her cutting. Taylor loved both her moms but she felt like she had disappointed Stef more than Lena.

"Mom?" She whispered without turning to face the bedroom doorway.

Stef quickly but silently wiped the tears from her face, "Hey Sweetie, I didn't realize you were awake already. Lena and the others left for school already. Momma and I decided after last night you could use the rest and miss a day of school."

Taylor finally rolled over to face Stef finally and could tell that she had been crying. The teen said nothing as two tears rolled down her face, "last night" came rushing back to her.

Taylor hadn't been able to sleep for the last few hours, she had been awake since eleven and decided to log online to check the messages from her anonymous online account. The moment she saw all the "questions" she had been asked she wished she hadn't decided to log on. Everything she read was hate questions. Not wanting to wake her sisters, Taylor had run down the stairs into the backyard and began sobbing. Stef and Lena heard their daughter and ran out in the backyard after her.

Taylor explained to her mother what the site was and what people had written to her. Lena just held her daughter as Taylor shook and tried to run into the house to find something to cut with. Stef went into the house, she tried to act calm but Taylor could tell how angry she truly was. Stef grabbed Taylors computer, brought it into the kitchen and deleted every question and finally the account.

Taylor spent another few minutes crying before Lena or Stef said anything. Lena's soft voice was all it took for Taylor to completely lose all of her strength. "Talk." Was all Lena said.

Taylor wasn't sure if it was the fact that it was two in the morning or that she was just tired of holding all of her emotions inside but she just started rambling. "Why do people hate me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm nice to people, I don't do anything offensive but I'm the one they choose to hate! Why?" She went on with this for about an hour. Eventually Lena coaxed the distraught teen to come inside and up to her moms room. Taylor gave in and curled up into a ball on her moms bed but didn't sleep. She stayed awake until about four when Stef picked her up and tried to carry her as if she was six and fallen asleep in the car. Taylor quietly awoke and snuggled into Stef's shoulder. Falling asleep again she remembered hitting her bed and seeing Stef turn off the alarm set for school the next morning.

Stef smiled at her daughter who now lie in her bed shivering because she forgot to close her window last night and recalling the events of last night.

"Mom." Taylor tried to choke out again. Another few tears rolled down her face, she hated disappointing all the people who believed that she could do something with her life, and Stef had believed in her since day one.

Stef just shook her head no, "Love, it's alright. You don't have to try and explain it to me. I still love you, I know you've been worried about talking to me since you told me but it's okay because I still know you're going somewhere in this world and you have two moms on your side to help you get there. Close your eyes and get some sleep I'll be right here and when you get up we can go get some breakfast." Stef smiled even though it was killing her that Taylor felt like she had to hurt herself.

Taylor couldn't help the corners of her lips forming a hint of a smile. She had been so afraid that Stef was going to be upset and blame herself for her daughter cutting. "Pancakes?" Taylor giggled, it was the only thing that Stef seemed to like cooking.

The sound of Taylor's giggle made Stef so happy that only a parent could understand. Taylor was her baby girl and knowing that she hurt herself made Stef worry about her, the fact that Taylor could giggle, even just a moment of happiness, was progress. "Pancakes. Or I'll take you out for hot chocolate and French toast. Your choice."

Taylor smiled and pulled a sweater on underneath the blanket before untangling herself from the sheets and falling off the bed. Taylor still hadn't shown either of her moms her cuts and scars, she hadn't felt like she could walk around in short sleeves.

"It's seventy something degrees. You're gonna overheat in that." Stef said softly looking at her daughter who was wearing a sweater and jeans with combat boots. The only skin showing was her face. Stef knew that Taylor was trying to hide her scars from her but she wanted Taylor to feel comfortable to walk around without sweaters.

Taylor shrugged, "I'm just cold." The lie was so easy and didn't require much thought at all until Taylor realized Stef knew why and it was a lame excuse. Looking at her mom she corrected herself, "It's not that hot, my body has gotten used to it. Plus I don't want anyone to look at my cuts and draw attention to myself."

Stef sighed and walked over to her daughter, "Love, look at me, those scars, as much as I wish they weren't always a reminder about you hurting yourself, they show how strong you are. Some people will stare, some might even ask you about them. Those who tell you anything bad about them will have to deal with momma and me. But those scars are nothing you have to hide, it shows that you weren't always healthy but that now you're working on getting better. So please, at least so you don't overheat take off the sweater and wear a light long sleeve shirt." Stef didn't want to force Taylor to expose a part of herself that she seemed so ashamed off but she want to make sure her daughters health was in mind.

Taylor was using all the strength she could not to cry, to have her mom understand and promise not to judge her because of her scars was the only thing she wanted from Stef.

Stef's voice kept Taylor from crying, "Would you mind showing me them?" She slowly reached for Taylor's hands and when Taylor didn't move Stef inspected her arms and sighed a short sigh of relief when she saw that Taylor had cut mostly just her forearms and the other side of her arms seemed to be only cut once or twice.

When Taylor said nothing after allowing Stef to look at her cuts, Stef took it as much progress as she could. The two were soon after off to breakfast, Taylor in a short sleeve shirt.

"It looks pretty neat doesn't it?" Stef's voice caused Taylor to jump. She had been staring through the window of a karate school for almost ten minutes just watching what was going on. Stef handed her daughter a cup of hot chocolate and joined her in watching the class.

"It's really cool." Taylor replied shaking her head in amazement.

Stef couldn't help but smile at the amazement in Taylor's eyes, "I think we found something to try as your new outlet. If you wanted."

Taylor eagerly nodded, "Really? That'd be so cool to try! But there's also something I like to try if that's alright. I don't know if it would work but I was thinking maybe I could do singing lessons or something? I love singing and I know Brandon's dad pays for his piano but I was hoping if you had some extra money, or I would get a job. Anything really, music just seems to really help me."

Stef just kept smiling and nodding while she listened to her daughter's usual rambling, "Well talk to momma about it but I think it would be something nice to try. And how come all of you kids are so musical and momma and I aren't?"

Taylor giggled, "That's not true, Brandon had to get it from someone. And I've seen you searching through music before, you're almost as bad as Brandon finding the "perfect" song. You were doing it last night."

Stef nodded, "I was looking for a song for you. I remembered this old song. There was a girl who came into the station a few times, she was looking for someone to help her and she talked to me once or twice. She sang this song a few times, it made me think of you my beautiful baby girl." Stef added the last part just to see Taylor roll her eyes and smile. "Do you want me to play it for you on the way home?"

Taylor nodded slowly, not sure if she wanted to hear the song or not. "Sure, can we go home now?

Stef nodded, while beginning to walk to the car. "Come on love." When the two got into the car Taylor pulled her feet onto the seat, something that Lena would have scolded her for but Stef let slide, Taylor then rested her head on her knees and closed her eyes. Stef took this as the time to search her ipod and start playing the song.

You come to me with scars on your wrist

You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

At this point Taylor recognized the song, she was struggling not to cry while listening to the song. She decided to sing along, she had planned to do so quietly but the next part was her favorite part of the song and she sang a bit louder than she had planed.

I just came to say goodbye

Didn't want you to see me cry

I'm fine but I know it's a lie

Stef smiled at her daughter singing, Taylor was actually quite the singer, she was just so shy that she refused to sing in front of people. Taylor started to go quieter, Stef realized what she was doing, Taylor was singing the part of the song that she felt was her. Stef quietly starting singing when Taylor stopped, causing Taylor to give her a puzzled look.

This is the last night you'll spend alone

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone

I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault

But they don't know you like I know you

They don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say

It's just a phase, you'll be okay, you're fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone

I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything you need me to be

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong

If you give me your hand, I will help you hold on

Tonight, tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone

Stef looked to Taylor to make sure she was still listening, it was obvious that the teenager was crying, silently sobbing but there were tears in her eyes. Stef pulled into the parking lot of the park she found Taylor at many times and turned the car off. She hugged her teenage daughter while singing the last verse of the song.

Look me in the eyes so I know you know

I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone

I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go

I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye

And I'll be your reason why

The last night away from me, away from me

"I'm so sorry I disappointed you. I didn't want to disappoint you. I'm sorry." Taylor sobbed. "I'm sorry I'm weak. I'm sorry."

Stef had tears silently rolling down her face as Taylor sobbed into her shoulder, "you didn't disappoint me, love. And you're not weak. You're a really strong girl and you could never disappoint me."

**Authors note: **

**This chapter was a bit of story but mostly from personal experiences. My "older brothers" mom is who I based Stef off from. Basically I told a really close friend who has been watching out for me for years and is my older brother and his mom saw my scars while I was hanging out with them. And this is how it played out. I'm so afraid of disappointing everyone who 1) is trying to help me get better 2) doesn't know is keeps telling me I'm going somewhere in life. Anyways, I hope you liked the update and there's a new one coming in the next few days, sorry about that last wait I've been away from home for a little while. Also I do not own the song in this chapter, the song "The last night" is by Skillet. Thanks everyone and lots of love. xo **


	6. Chapter 6

Taylor cringed as she hit the locker again, her ribs hit the side of her locker for the third time and she almost fell over before the three kids beating on her ran off. "Stupid people." Taylor mumbled as she stood and stumbled into the bathroom. "Ugh, it's gonna bruise." Taylor mumbled tenderly touching her ribs.

She ran to her study hall so she wouldn't be counted as late and continued to check the clock to see if the day was almost over and she could go home. How she kept being able to keep the abuse at school form Lena, she didn't understand but she was grateful there was never anyone around to report it.

Carefully getting into the backseat of Lena's car, Taylor flashed a smile. She didn't want to tell her moms about school, it would just cause more drama, something Taylor's life could do without.

When Taylor was finally home she got into her room and fell onto her bed, she knew Stef or Lena would be up in a minute because Taylor wasn't allowed in her room for long alone but Taylor took the minute she had to check her ribs, just as she suspected a bruise started to form across her side.

"Holy shit! " She heard Brandon exclaim. He had stuck his head into Taylor's room, the door only open a crack. "Taylor! What happened?"

"I...I..Nothing!" Taylor stuttered while pulling her shirt over the bruise. "What do you want?" She asked her older brother, the hostility could be heard in her voice.

"Moms asked me if I could come hang out with you while you were in your room. They said that they needed to discuss something but didn't want you up here alone since thats part of your.. you know, so you don't..." Brandon trailed off and looked to the ground, his moms had told him and Callie what Taylor had been doing but let Taylor choose if she wanted to tell the younger kids.

"Oh, right." Taylor nodded looking at her sleeves.

"So can I come in then?" Brandon waited for Taylor to nod before he entered the room and sat down in the chair at Taylor's desk. "What happened to your side? Does moms know?"

Taylor just shook her head no in reply, "I was in a small altercation at school. That's all. It's really nothing, I don't even feel it. It's only a bruise." Taylor was lying through her teeth, her ribs were killing her, and she was having trouble breathing. "Please don't tell moms, I don't want them to know school's bad. They think things have gotten sorta better there." Taylor was pleading, it was the only thing she could do to keep Brandon from telling her moms.

"I can't keep this from them. Taylor, you could have a cracked or broken rib!" Brandon exclaimed, he knew his sister was scared but he couldn't allow her to be attacked at school and not have his moms know about it.

"You don't understand!" Taylor practically cried out, "If you tell moms, and then there's consequences at school, do you think they're going to stop after just shoving me around a few times? Don't you see that by telling someone and hoping to get help, it means only getting hurt worse and dealing with people more often!" Taylor seemed to be emotionless, as if she had gone over this speech a thousand times in her own head, fighting with herself.

"I just want to make sure you're still here when I come back from college, I want to you happy. You're terrified all the time, I don't want you to be. I want you to be able to stop hiding in empty hallways when walking to classes. Tay, I want you to be alive." Brandon was just standing in front of Taylor.

Taylor had turned away from her older brother, when he used her nickname, something only her family could get away with calling her. She was shaking, she hated that people were beginning to see through her fake smiles and small laughs so that they think she was happy.

"You swore." Taylor whispered.

"What?" Brandon was surprised, he was still angry that people were treating his sister so poorly, and that it had be damaging her so badly that she had began to hurt herself. And here she was randomly pointing out the fact that he swore?

"You swore, Lena is gonna freak if she hears." Taylor cracked a half smile. "But please don't tell them? I'm enough of a freak because of these," Taylor paused gesturing towards her arms, "I don't want them to know that everyone in the school hates me too. It's stupid but I just don't want them to know how much of a screw up I am."

Brandon just smiled and sat next to his sister, "Tay, listen to me. A few idiots are taking out their insecurities on you. Not the entire school, I mean look our family makes up half of the high school." He tried joking, "You're not a freak just because you cut, you're a teenage girl who has gotten a bad hand so far in life. But you're gonna be amazing, you're going to do wonderful things. That's why I want you to be happy because you're going to spread that through out the world to kids just like you who need a role model. And if moms were afraid of dealing with screwed up teenagers why are you, Callie and Jesus here?" Taylor's heart sank when Brandon said this, she truly believed he thought she was a screw up. Brandon saw this and hugged her, "I'm kidding, you're not a screw up. None of us are, that's why mom choose all of you. Because they saw how perfect you all were. I won't tell them. But if anything else happens, I'm going to come to your hall in the school. Don't try to stop me, because they need to see that you have someone on your side who is going to beat the crap out of them if they touch you again."

Taylor giggled, Brandon was not one to get into a fight. He liked to pretend he was such a tough guy but he was just a giant teddy bear. Scary looking, but a loving teenage boy with a huge goofy smile and someone who would only fight someone to protect his family.

"I'm gonna go, call for me if you need someone to talk to?" Brandon asked before finally releasing Taylor from the hug.

Taylor nodded, tears in her eyes, "I will." Right before Brandon opened the door, Taylor stopped him, "Brandon? Thank you, you're an amazing older brother, even if we aren't blood. You're my brother. I love you."

Brandon laughed, "Tay, I love you too. You're my sister and I'll go to the edge of the world for you."

**Author's Note: **

**This chapter is based on an interaction with my own real life Brandon and Stef. Things have gotten really bad lately which is one of the reasons I haven't written. Anyways these two people who have been like a mother and older brother have offered to foster me so they can help me with school issues and the self harm issues. But I'm afraid to ask my parents for fear of hurting them. Any advice? Anyways, what did you think of this chapter? I should have another update soon. Thanks! lots of love xoxo. **


	7. Chapter 7

**i know i put a trigger warning on the entire story but this chapter should probably have another. Sorry! Thanks! **

Stef walked into the living room and saw Taylor was sleeping, but noticed her breathing was strange, as if she was about to have a minor asthma attack. Stef walked over to the couch and sat next to her. Taylor sat up quickly her hands in a fist, ready to defend herself. Her breathing was growing quicker and shorter.

"Hey, love it's just me it's okay." Stef whispered to her daughter holding her fists. "Are you okay? It looks like you're having trouble breathing, and you're asleep on the couch on a weekend?"

Taylor just nodded, sitting up and winces as she turned the wrong way and a sharp pain goes through her ribs. "Fine." She grimaced. "I'm not sure why I slept down here, I just couldn't sleep in my bed."

Stef just watched her daughter, "Tell me. Now."

Taylor sighed, there wasn't a lot of people who could read Taylor like an open book but Stef always could. "Okay, but it's not a big deal. I'm fine, it doesn't even hurt." Taylor was playing with the hem of her shirt, not quite ready to show Stef her bruised ribs. "I was in a small altercation at school." Taylor finally exposed to Stef her bruised ribs, a bruise that covered from her lowest rib up to her bra strap.

"Taylor! That's not nothing, that's serious. Who did this!" Stef exclaimed, anger in her eyes. "How can you say that's nothing! You can't let people just hurt you." Seeing how upset Taylor was Stef calmed herself and examined the bruise, it didn't seem like Taylor had a cracked or broken rib, but it was worrying Stef that Taylor was having trouble breathing.

"I'm sorry." Taylor whispered.

"You need to stick up for yourself sweetheart. I've seen you throw a punch, they won't screw with you if you hit them once. You're a great fighter, defend yourself." Stef ignored her daughter's apology, Stef knew that Taylor blamed herself and that's not what she wanted, Stef wanted her daughter to be happier and for people to leave her alone.

"I'm not violent. People have hurt me and I never want to hurt someone else." Taylor shrugged it off like it was nothing.

"Okay, but we can't let you keep getting hurt." Stef said, defeated. It hurt her that her daughter was okay with how people had been treating her, that Taylor didn't see herself as enough of an important person not to allow herself to be abused.

"Can I go out for a run? I want to go to the beach." Taylor asked, changing the topic.

Stef sighed, Taylor always began to freeze on people when she talked about her emotions, or things happening to her, "Don't run because of your ribs but you can walk down and hang out at the beach, I could drive you if you don't want to be alone."

Taylor shook her head no, "Thanks," Taylor flashed a fake smile, "I'm gonna go grab a sweater from upstairs in case it's cold. Then I'll head out." She stood up and ran up the stairs, wanting to get out of the house as quickly as she could.

Standing out at the beach, Taylor took a deep breath, as well as her ribs would currently allow, just to smell the air. She pulled the pencil sharpener out of her jacket pocket, throwing it to the ground, breaking perfectly so that one of the blades landed at Taylor's feet, she bent over to pick it up before continuing to walk further down the beach. hoping to escape any traffic. She had only cut in public once before, but now she was desperate, she never had a minute alone anymore, and she just had to.

Quickly looking over her shoulder to ensure that there was no one around she held the cold piece of metal in her hand, without a word she cut across her arm, once, twice. Five cuts later and she started crying. Watching the blood go across her arm, and two drops fall and stain the sand with a bright red, Taylor was angry, angry that she had spent days working on being clean and then relapsed, and for nothing! A bruise wasn't that big of a deal, and she shouldn't have reacted about her mother knowing, but she did. And the last week of work was gone. Two more quick, frantically placed slashes on the teenager's arms before she felt someone standing behind her so Taylor turned around and fell into her mother's arms, sobbing, "I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, come on. We need to get to the car. I think I have a first aid kit in there." Stef helped Taylor to her feet and quickly got her to the front passengers seat of her car. Taylor had stopped crying, she didn't feel the pain, she just fell into the seat. "This is deeper than normally." She whispered as Stef searched for the car's first aid kit.

Stef was frantically searching her trunk for the first aid kit, seeing the blood drip from her daughter's arm, almost scared her. She didn't know how to react. She threw one of her kids sweaters out of the trunk.

"It's fine. I found it. There was disinfectant wipes, gauze and some tape. I covered it up." Taylor said as she stuck her arm out to show Stef.

"Why didn't you tell me you found it, I would have helped you wrap it." Stef was still not sure what she was supposed to say, "Do you want to talk?"

Taylor shrugged, "That's my problem, I don't talk. I need to but I'm afraid to. Honestly I'm okay but, I mean... Should we talk?"

Stef was surprised how calm that Taylor could be compared to how she just was, hysterically sobbing and cutting herself. Now, she was calm, thinking clearly, admitting her problems with trusting people. And indirectly asking her mother if she was okay. "We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

"B..bu.. But," Ashamed, Taylor stuttered trying to talk to Stef, "No one has ever seen me, do that before. And I've never seen you scared before, not like that. I've never seen you, look like you were about to cry." When Stef didn't say anything Taylor just shrugged and went to sit in the car but before sitting she looked to her mom, "I cleaned it up and bandaged it myself because I'm ashamed that you know what I've done, I didn't want you to have to look at it anymore than you already have."

Stef just nodded, sitting on the trunk of her car while Taylor finished bandaging her arm. A few tears rolled down Stef's face, she wanted to help her daughter but didn't know how. Everytime they took a step forward, Taylor appeared to be just a bit happier, something sent them back a foot.

"Let's go home." Stef gave Taylor a small smile, trying to hide the fact that she had been crying.

Taylor shook her head no, "Can we go somewhere else?"

Stef nodded, "Of course, let me call home and tell them that we're going to be out for lunch." Taylor nodded and watched her mother as she spoke wearily on the phone, to whom, Taylor wasn't sure.

Stef hung up the phone and faced Taylor, "So where do you want to go?"

Taylor shrugged, "Anywhere? Something fun? I just don't want to go home yet."

Stef nodded, "Okay."

Taylor frowned at the short answers and tense conversation between her and Stef. "I won't do it again. I know that sounds stupid after what you just saw. But I won't do it again. I'm worth more than that."

Stef just nodded, she didn't know what to do with Taylor, therapy didn't seem to help but maybe she should force Taylor to go anyways?

They drove for a few minutes before Stef pulled into the parking lot of a store, "I'll be right back, I'm going to get some bread, then we'll go to the park."

Taylor nodded skeptically, "Okay."

When Stef returned she was carrying a loaf of bread, not saying a word she pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the park. "Come on."

Taylor followed her mother's instructions, she was confused but obeyed her mother, hoping that Stef wouldn't realize that she still had the razor still in her pocket.

Stef started to tear a piece of bread and threw it too a duck sitting near by.

"Don't do that, the seagulls will start coming over." Taylor said cringing her nose. She pulled her feet up onto the bench, resting her chin on her knees, Taylor was careful of her fresh cuts as she removed her sweater and used it as a place to rest her head. "Don't!" She shrieked when a seagull came close to her.

Stef laughed at her daughter, she threw a piece of bread towards her causing a seagull to fly by and grab it. "You're afraid of seagulls?"

Taylor nodded screaming and jumping back every time a bird came near to get food, "Haven't you seen that movie about birds? They attack and kill people!"

Stef laughed again, "You are afraid of seagulls!"

"I am not!" Taylor pouted until another seagull flew by to grab the last piece of bread from the ground causing her to jump back screaming.

"Okay, okay." Stef laughed. "We'll go home now."

Taylor giggled, "Please? And leave the bread here so those stupid birds don't follow!" Taylor's smile was almost as big as her face, something Stef was pleased to see.

The two drove home, as they pulled into the driveway and noticed that the other kids had gone out with Lena when Stef realized that she was supposed to go into the office and finish up some paperwork.

"Will you be okay home alone?" Stef asked her daughter worried.

"I'm alright. I said I wouldn't do it again." Taylor lied while smiling, "And besides you took anything sharp I could hurt myself with away." She said this with full confidence that she still had a razor in her pocket.

"Okay." Stef sighed finally after staring a long time at her daughter. "I guess I don't have much choice."

Taylor smiled and then nodded before running into the house and looking out the window as Stef's car drove off. She could tell that Stef didn't want to leave Taylor alone, especially after today. But Taylor had tricked her mother, the smiles and giggles at the park. It was all just to hide that all she was thinking about was cutting again.

Slowly pulling the blade out of her pocket, now her only tool, she peeled away the bandage on her arm and made a few more cuts, Stef hadn't seen how many there were. Taylor carefully placed three more cuts on her arms.

Placing the blade back in her pocket, she caught sight of herself in a mirror. Her eyes were dull and lifeless. She had never been this bad.

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, sorry this took awhile to update I couldn't figure out what I wanted to write, and then personal experience. So yeah, as you could probably tell by the last few chapters, things are going so great. Though two important adults in my life know, they're just waiting for the right time to tell me they know. (Like I couldn't figure it out by the way they stare at me long sleeves) Anyways, it might be a few days before I update again, but i will update by the end of the weekend. Lots of love! xoxo Day(s) clean: 0 **


	8. Chapter 9

**I'm back! Well sorta, I'll explain at the the end of the chapter but for now, here's the story! **

Taylor rolled over as she slowly woke up, pulling her hair out of her face her finger became entangled in a knot in her hair. "Shit." She mumbled trying to slowly remove the hair elastic from her bun.

Taylor hadn't bothered getting out of bed for at least three days, she had lost track. She hadn't bothered to shower, brush her hair or change clothes for even longer than that. Taylor just didn't have the energy to care about anything anymore.

Turning her phone on to see what day it was she noticed that she had forty seven new text messages from the last few days. Ignoring them she threw her phone back on the nightstand, dealing with people just didn't seem possible. "I can't fake a smile anymore, I can't do things to make others happy anymore." She whispered closing her eyes again, not caring enough to get up and do something with her summer vacation.

After sleeping for a few more hours Taylor finally woke up and turned her light on, looking around the room and seeing pictures, clothes, books and awards scattered across her floor she just sighed. Taylor had a mental breakdown yesterday, or maybe by now it was two days ago.

~Flashback~

A picture from a day with her siblings at the pool went flying across the room, Taylor's full length mirror soon following it. Taylor was sobbing while completely destroying her room, until she finally punched a wall and fell to the ground holding her hand. Quietly Taylor searched through her book case until she found the book she was looking for, the book that was home to her tool.

Flipping the book open to page one-hundred eleven she sighed out of relief to see that the blade was still there and no one had found it. Slowly wrapping her finger around it, Taylor took a minute to feel it's cold against her sweaty skin.

Slowly Taylor slashed across her hip a few times. When it didn't make her feel any better she continued to cut until her hip and some of her side was covered in cuts. Slowly cleaning her cuts and bandaging them up, she opened the book, placed her blade back in the same page number and put it at the back of the book case.

After cutting. Taylor still felt like shit and crawled into bed, turning the light off and just sitting there, she didn't move for a few hours.

~End flashback~

Taylor groaned as her phone buzzed for the fourth time, "Stupid people, I'm ignoring you for a reason."

Finally opening her messages so that her phone would stop informing her that people had been texting her she saw on from Brandon, "Hey Tay, how are you?"

Brandon was out and Taylor had talked to him for five days, he was always out or she was locked in her room.

"Fine." She quickly typed but knew that Brandon, understood that fine wasn't fine at all. She deleted the word and slowly typed, "Good."

She felt the slightest amount of guilt lying to her brother, especially when he keeps trying to help her and get Taylor to actually talk about her feelings.

A minute after she sent it she got a reply back. "Good?"

She rolled her eyes, the fact that Brandon could just hear lies through the phone was helpful but also really irritating when she just wanted to be left alone. "I haven't gotten out of bed for three days so I haven't had to deal with any stupid people, so yeah I'm good." Sending it without a thought, Taylor was just hoping that answer would make it so that her older brother would stop caring and she could go back to lying in the dark and trying to sleep.

"Ok." The reply took longer than normal, and Taylor had a feeling that Brandon had written a different reply a few times before sending that simple one. Throwing her phone, a single tear rolled down her cheek, "Why doesn't anyone care!"

Taylor pulled out her blade once again, it had only been a day, maybe less since she last cut, she had never cut this close together before but she took the blade and ran it across her skin and watched as the bright red blood bubbled over her hip and began to run across the rest of her hip. She felt so alone, things were getting darker and people were caring less, Taylor was cutting more, pushing her friends away and not having the energy to care about any of it anymore. She was crashing harder than ever before, and this time she wasn't so sure that she would end up making it out of this.

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, so I'm sorta back. My parents made me quit karate which is where the people helping me (my real life brandon, callie, stef and lena) were. I haven't seen them in almost a week and I haven't gotten out of bed since then either. I haven't answered anyones calls or emails and I know I should but I just don't care anymore and don't have any energy. I wanted to write because this story is all I have right now, I'm sorry it's short and it sorta sucks but I just wanted to update you guys on what's going on. I'll be updating again tonight because my mom invited my friends, (my callie, brandon and a few others) over hoping that I'll just magically be not depressed anymore so I have to finally get out of bed and get ready for that. Anyways, I'll update again tonight or tomorrow since I haven't been able to update in a while. Leave a review what you guys would like me to write about, i'll do anything really, trying to get better and then crashing or just the emotional stuff. Whatever you amazing readers wanna see. Thanks guys, lots of love! xoxo **


	9. Chapter 10

Taylor was asleep, facing away from her bedroom door when Stef and Lena had snuck in and were walking towards her bed.

"Shh." Lena giggled as Stef tripped on a pair of shoes and almost fell into the wall.

Lena wrapped her arms around Taylor's shoulders and rested her chin on her daughter's shoulder.

Slowly waking up and rolling over to face her mother, Taylor mumbled while rubbing her eyes and trying to stretch, "Why are you..." She yawned before pausing to wipe drool off her face, "What's going on?" She tried again now that her mind and body were slowly awakening.

"Don't you know what today is?" Stef asked, she was smiling as she stood behind Lena.

"Uh, I think you have the wrong kid, it's not my birthday or something." Taylor joked as she finally sat up and swung her legs over the edge of her bed.

Stef and Lena just exchanged a glance, maybe they were wrong about the date, maybe Taylor had relapsed and today wouldn't be the milestone that they had planned on it being.

After seeing the look on her mother's faces Taylor was worried that she had forgotten something major, and then it hit her. Turning towards her calendar, she jumped up to check the date, it was today. "One month clean!" Taylor whispered, almost as if she didn't believe it to be true. "One month."

A tear rolled down her cheek, she flipped her calendar back to the previous month and counted out the days, last night had made it thirty-one since she had last hurt herself, and she was happy about something for the first time in a while. Before turning back towards her mothers she looked down at her forearms, she couldn't even see the cuts, just faint white lines, which thanks to her pale complexion weren't very visible.

"It's not that big of a deal, really it's cool." Taylor tried to brush this off as nothing, afraid that she wouldn't make it much longer and the last month of work would be wasted. She tried to pretend that it hadn't been hard for the last month, but Stef and Lena saw right through it.

" It is a big deal, don't try and minimize this. Don't put yourself down, you should be proud of how strong you truly are. Even if you think you aren't." Lena tried to make her daughter realize that this was important, it was amazing that she was trying to recover.

"Okay." Taylor tried to end the conversation, she didn't want to get into a conversation about how important she was when she didn't feel it. When there was no reason to celebrate when she was just gonna fail again.

"There's something downstairs you might like, we got you breakfast to celebrate." Lena said, a smile almost as wide as her face not dimmer, she was incredibly proud of her daughter's work and happy to help in any way she could.

"Jesus might eat it all if you don't hurry up though," Stef winked at her daughter, "He never gets all that 'processed junk' thanks to someone."

Taylor giggled while Lena glared at Stef, "Well hey, if you all want to eat that instead of my home cooked meals every day..."

Lena was cut off by Stef hugging her from behind and kissing her neck, "Oh love, You know we love you."

Taylor faked gagging and just smiled at her two moms, she was glad to have such amazing adults in her life to help her and love her, even if she felt like the scum of the earth and didn't feel like she had anyone else, she had them.

Worried that something was wrong when their daughter didn't run downstairs to join her siblings for breakfast, Stef paused a minute before pulling Taylor from her thoughts, "Hey, hey sweetheart, is everything alright? You seem kind of quiet."

Taylor shook her head, slowly smiling, "Yeah, everything's fine." And for once, when Taylor said fine she didn't mean anything else, for once fine was actually just fine.

"What are you thinking about?" Lena asked, not wanting to pry but trying to show that Taylor could talk to her.

"Nothing." Taylor answered everything. Sighing she changed her answer, "Everything." Rolling her eyes and becoming slightly frustrated that she couldn't voice her thoughts and emotions, "It's stupid, it's just. Nothing." Taylor was beginning to emotionally shut down, she was either afraid or ashamed about what she was trying to say.

"No, no, it's not stupid." Lena tried to coax her daughter, "Just tell me please?"

Shrugging Taylor tried again to put her thoughts into words, "It's just that I didn't think I would be alive by midterms of my first year of high school. Especially after I started cutting. Then I made it to midterms and convinced myself that I wasn't making it to summer. I just wasn't strong enough to do it. And then, when I said I would try and stop cutting, I didn't think I was going too. I was gonna try but it wouldn't last. And then one day went by, next a week and then two. Two and a half weeks was the longest I had ever made it before. So when I finally hit three weeks, I finally could breathe. I thought maybe I could do this. But at twenty six days I was up all night shaking and crying, about to search for anything to hurt myself with. I didn't think I was worth enough for everyone to try and keep me clean for this long..." Taylor started to mumble, a bad habit of hers but something her friends and family began to find comforting after a while, "It's just that for once, for the first time in a really long time, I'm happy and proud of myself. I'm just afraid I'm going to lose that."

Taylor's face suddenly lit up with a smile, "It's just that I finally did it."

Her moms nodded at her, in encouragement and pride, "Yes you did."

After taking a moment to let everything sink in Taylor hugged her moms before running down the stairs to join her siblings for breakfast, "Breakfast burritos? Awesome!"

Jesus grinned, his mouth full of fast food burritos, "One of us must have done something to make moms happy."

Taylor couldn't help but smile and nod, "Yeah, something that has been work for a month." She slowly looked up and around the room at her siblings, the ones that knew would understand exactly what she had meant.

Brandon just nodded his head, one month since his little sister had last hurt herself, "Good job Tay."

Taylor smiled and mouth thanks to her older brother. Brandon was one of the people she knew would be the proudest, he was one of the ones who was trying to help her with everything. She also couldn't help but giggle just because Brandon used her nickname, basically his way of showing his older brother affection for her.

Taylor couldn't help but stare at Callie, her grin as wide as her face said everything she wasn't saying in words, Taylor felt her phone buzz right as Callie looked up from her lap. "I'M SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!"

Taylor giggled a little looking across the table and then down towards her phone, "Haha, thanks."

Callie instantly replied, "No, really I'm really proud of you."

Nodding, Taylor replied back quickly, "A lot of it is because of you guys, the support you all give me."

Callie just replied by telling Taylor how strong she was. That the reasons she was a month clean was not because of the family but because of Taylor's strength. And ended the conversation with heart and a love you.

Mariana just smiled at her sister, happy for her but not completely understanding the situation, Jesus would help her celebrate later but understood Taylor didn't like all the attention. Jude was still a little confused what was going on, no one wanted to tell him the whole truth because they wanted to keep him young and innocent as long as they could.

Stef and Lena joined the rest of the crew in the kitchen after a few minutes, "So how should we celebrate?" They asked looking towards Taylor, the moms had planned on making this whole day about how proud they were of Taylor.

"We don't have to do anything, thanks though. And no, it's not because I'm trying to minimize my accomplishments." Taylor said, addressing the last part towards Lena.

Stef nodded, she understood how much Taylor hated people being proud of her and putting her in the center of attention, "You sure love?"

Taylor nodded, smiling, still happy with everything lately, "Yeah. I think that today is a reward enough by itself. Plus I just want to be with my family, the ones who make all the work worth something."

"Aw, that's sweet." Stef laughed at her daughter's sudden enlightenment and new view on the universe, "There is one thing that you deserve as a celebration" Stef looked around at her kids and they all knew to follow her example, "A big family hug."

Taylor was soon squashed in a hug between her two moms and her siblings quickly following the example, she couldn't help but giggle which caused a few more giggles to erupt and soon the whole family was laughing and in a moment of pure happiness.

**Authors note: **

**Hey guys, sorry for not updating in a while, I haven't been able to get to a computer long enough to type up a chapter, but don't worry cause I wrote a few chapters on paper so I just need to type them up and edit them, which means at least two more updates coming soon! **

**I just wanted to say that while a majority of this chapter might have seemed story like I'm pleased to say that Brandon and Callie's reactions were based off from my own real life as was the inspiration for this story, one month clean. I'm one month clean! Thanks for all your support guys! xoxo **

**Read, review, favorite, follow and enjoy! As Always thanks for reading! **


	10. Chapter 11

Taylor was sitting out in the backyard, sitting on the hood of the car when Stef drove into the driveway, "What are you doing?" She laughed watching her daughter. "Taylor?" Stef asked when her daughter didn't reply at first.

Having her headphones in Taylor didn't notice Stef standing there until one earbud fell out and she heard her name, "Huh?"

"What are you doing?" Stef asked again.

"Oh, I don't know." Taylor shrugged, "Sitting on a car and listening to music."

Stef laughed at the obvious answer her daughter gave her, "Why?"

Again Taylor just shrugged, "I don't know."

"Okay then," Stef decided that there wasn't anything going on with Taylor and she just wanted to be out in the sun listening to music, "Have fun."

"Bye Stef." Taylor replied lying back down but not putting her head phone back in until Stef left.

"Bye honey."

Taylor slowly put her earbud back in and stopped smiling, she closed her eyes again to keep the tears from falling from them and letting the music fill her head rather than the dark thoughts. Since she had been playing this song all day since she found it she had almost memorized the words enough to sing along, something that would hopefully calm her down.

Taylor felt like she should have been happy, she had been cleaning from cutting for a month and a half, a little more than that at this point but at this moment all she could think about was going to grab her last blade from the book it was currently hidden in and cutting her skin. She felt like maybe then her chest wouldn't be so tight, she wouldn't have to keep from crying, she would feel so damn sad.

Taylor had been talking to an old friend, someone who she use to call her sister, someone who promised they would never grow apart and today that friend just ignore Taylor. Treated her like a stranger, they had been having problems for a while. The friend telling Taylor that she had been causing drama, no matter what Taylor had done in the last few months her friend had a problem with it.

This old friend didn't like the fact that Taylor was depressed, she didn't like the fact that Taylor tried hiding her depression. She hated when Taylor talked about everything happening at school, she hated that Taylor didn't tell her how bad school was. Taylor felt like no matter what she did it was never right. Callie had heard about what was happening and tried to convince Taylor it wasn't her, it was her friend. Taylor still felt that it was her fault and she should just change, Taylor felt like she should just stop being so depressed and stop cutting to keep her friends liking her. Taylor felt like she didn't want to be her.

Finally opening her eyes to see if anyone was around before she started singing, Taylor started crying, she hated that she was losing everything, even her friends because of depression. Taking a breath, Taylor started singing the song she had been listening to for an entire day now.

**I'm not feeling so bold**

**Can't you see I don't want to grow old**

**And my photograph's an epitaph of parody**

**I don't want to be me**

**I'm not feeling so sure**

**It would help if you offered a cure**

**If I wait, it's too late for the remedy**

**I don't want to be me**

**You won't save me**

**Cuz I'm not the fortunate one**

**So don't blame me**

**If I decide to go hide or instead to just run**

**I'm not feeling so well**

**Maybe we could just sit for a spell**

**And make amends, it depends on my injury**

**I don't want to be me**

**I don't want to be me**

**I don't want to be me**

**You won't save me**

**Cuz I'm not the fortunate one**

**So don't blame me**

**If I decide to just run**

**You won't save me**

**Cuz I'm not the fortunate one**

**So don't blame me**

**If I decide to go hide or instead to just run**

**If I decide to go hide or instead to just run**

**If I decide to go hide or instead to just run**

Taylor couldn't make it through the song without bursting into tears, it was really killing her that she was losing friends over this especially when she was trying so hard to get better. Callie came outside and noticed her sister sitting on a car crying.

"Taylor what's wrong?" Callie asked worried Taylor had been hurt, or worse hurt herself.

"I'm losing friends, and it's all because I'm a self centered bitch. Why can't I just get over this damn depression so I don't lose all my best friends?!" Taylor whispered, she couldn't talk any louder for fear of other hearing.

"You're not a selfcentered bitch, at all!" Callie reassured Taylor, "And if you're losing friends over being depressed then they weren't friends of yours and they sure as hell weren't your best friends so don't worry about them! This isn't something you can just "get over" you need to work on it and it's something that you'll always have to work on and there's nothing wrong with that. Your friends need to understand that."

"But, if I changed." Taylor took a breath to calm herself, "If I changed then they wouldn't have to accept it."

Callie made Taylor sit up, "Listen to me, you are not changing to make someone else happy. And you are working on getting better, for you, so don't let anyone ruin that for you! Understand?"

Taylor just nodded, "Yeah." Her short answers were her way of ending the conversation and not having to promise anything.

Callie shook her head, "No. Promise me. Promise me you won't do it. I know exactly what you're thinking about."

Taylor didn't show any emotions, "But it's all I'm thinking about, I don't want to feel like this and that will help."

"Taylor, promise me." Callie demanded again, she knew that one thing Taylor could not do was break a promise to her.

"Ok." Taylor replied, hoping that would be enough for Callie to leave her alone but not having to promise to keep from hurting herself.

Taylor started to cry again, "Okay, fine." She paused a minute, "I promise I will not hurt myself over this tonight."

Callie sighed, "Thank you."

Taylor just nodded, she may be losing people, and it was killing her but she had Callie and in her opinion the only people she needed were Callie and Brandon and her other siblings who understood what she was dealing with, not friends who wanted her to "get over her depression: because others have it a lot worse.

Callie smiled and hugged Taylor, "I love you."

Taylor nodded too, she couldn't manage to smile but at the moment Callie understood, "Love you too."

Before going inside Callie looked back to Taylor, "Your real friends understand what you're going through so don't worry. You'll be stuck with most of us even when you try to get rid of us. We're like leeches."

Taylor nodded while replaying her song one more time and letting a few more tears fall down her face, "Good friends are like leeches, and if someone tells you to get over depression they aren't a leech, got it." She cracked a sad half smile, "Thanks for that great advice Callie."

Callie laughed, "Anytime since we just proved I'm the brains of the family."

Taylor just put her just head down and turned her music up, for tonight she'd survive this without the help of a blade.

**You won't save me**

**Cuz I'm not the fortunate one**

**So don't blame me**

**Author's note: So I sadly say that this is based off form my own life experience, I really am losing friends, my best friends over my depression and self harm. So Im a little bummed out while writing this chapter. :( I'm just curious, is this a normal thing? To lose friends while being depressed and self harming? **

**Either way I've got two more chapters written on paper I just need type up and edit, then I'll start writing new material. Thanks for always review favoriting, following and reading. I honestly hope you enjoy my writing, and it would mean the world to me if you'd leave a review saying that! :) **

**I just wanted to say, that if any of you ever need to talk to someone about anything, writing, depression, bullying, self harm, etc. I'm always here for my readers, just send me a PM or leave a review saying please message me and I'll PM you! I love you all! 3 xoxo**

**oh and also! The song in this chapter is called I dont want to be me by Amanda Clemens, it's a great song you should check it out but yeah i own nothing all rights to their respective owners! Thanks! **


	11. Chapter 12

Taylor was curled up in a camping chair, reading a book sitting up to the small fire when Stef came out to ask her if there was anything that she wanted to do today. The family was out camping for the weekend and so far, Stef and Lena had required one day of family time and the last day they agreed the teenagers could do what they wanted.

Taylor shrugged, closing her book and shivering slightly, "I don't know. It's kinda cold, I might just sit and read all day by the fire."

Stef couldn't help but laugh when she noticed how Taylor was keeping her place in the book, "You're just like Lena sometimes."

Taylor smirked and shrugged, "Not really a bad thing." When Stef turned around back towards the tent Taylor whispered something else, "It's better than being a lot like me."

After a few more minutes of reading, Taylor noticed all her siblings off doing their own things, Brandon, Callie and Mariana decided to go out for a hike. Jesus and Jude were off playing volleyball with some other kids from the campground they had met. Taylor decided to check in with her moms and see what they were doing. and if she could join them so she didn't sit at the campsite all day.

"Hey sweetheart, what are you up to?" Stef asked when Taylor entered the tent to put her book away.

Taylor sighed, "Nothing really, everyone went to do something already and I got left here."

Lena could sense that something was wrong with Taylor, just by the way she was talking, and how she decided not to go with her siblings out to do something, "Do you want to come sit down with us? Talk to your mom and I?"

Taylor nodded slowly, "I'm just sorta having an off day." Taylor was surprised that she admitted it, she wasn't one to easily tell someone when something was wrong. From both of the older womens' expressions Taylor realized she had surprised them both too.

Gesturing for her daughter to come sit next to her, Lena was the first to speak, "Well it's perfectly okay to have an off or bad day once in a while. After all, you are only human." When Taylor didn't say anything, Lena continued, "I'm glad you told us about it though, that's a big step for you."

Taylor nodded, "Yeah. I was hoping that we could go do something, if you two didn't already have something planned."

"We can go do something, if that's what you really wanted." Stef said, slowly as if she was trying to figure out what to say next, "But if you just want to sit here, we can do that too. We don't have to go out and do something if you don't want to just get over this off day."

"No," Taylor had already decided, "I'm not going to wallow in this, honestly that won't help me get over it any quicker. I just want to go do something that makes me happy."

Lena smiled at her daughter, glad that she wasn't ready to allow her depression to take over her life, "Well then, how about we go out on the lake? You can take mom's old kayak and mom and I will take the canoe out. It'll be just the three of us, since the other kids are already out."

Taylor nodded grinning, she loved kayaking and hadn't been in almost a year, "That sounds great!"

After the three changed into swimwear, in case they flipped over and found their lifejackets they were ready to go out onto the lake. Taylor climbed into her kayak first and paddled out until she was out into what would have been shoulder deep water.

Taylor couldn't help but giggle as Stef almost flipped the canoe trying to get in once Lena had already sat down, "Flips the boat in ankle deep water, can't wait to see what happens when we get out onto the lake." Taylor joked while laughing as her moms finally paddled out towards her.

"You be quiet or we might flip you, it's easier when it's two against one." Stef called out as she and Lena paddled towards their daughter's boat pretending they were going to flip her.

They were out on the water for forty five minutes before deciding to turn back, Taylor was a few paddle strokes ahead of her mom when she heard giggling and whispering and knew she should be worried about what her mom's were planning.

"Shh." Stef whispered to Lena in between giggles, "Just slowly paddle up and then start splashing water on her."

Lena shook her head no, "And what happens when she splashes us back. and you trying to avoid it end up flipping the boat, I don't want to have to climb back in this thing in the middle of the lake." Lena's voice was filled with fake annoyance but Taylor could tell Lena was about to come up behind her and splash her.

"Don't you dare!" Taylor shrieked with laughter, trying to paddle away from her moms and almost flipping herself. "No!" She called out giggling again.

Stef and Lena finally caught up with Taylor and splashed a paddle or two worth of water onto her. Taylor shrieked again as the cold water hit her, "Okay! Okay! Stop!"

Stef and Lena were glad they had got their daughter to smile, they were worried at first when she admitted to having an off day, they were worried it was going to cause her to spiral downward again, but after this they didn't worry as much.

As Taylor went to step out of the kayak she flipped it and fell into the water, appearing back on the surface she couldn't help but giggle, "A pretty good way to end this day. It was pretty special day actually."

Stef and Lena nodded after they finished laughing at their very clumsy daughter, "Yeah, and why was that?"

Taylor shrugged, almost as if she was about to say was no big deal, "Because it's the day that marks, two months clean for me. And I got to spend it, doing what I love with the people that I love."

Lena and Stef looked at each other before looking back at their daughter, they were overjoyed by what she had just told them, Taylor had been having a difficult month and the fact that she had made it to two months was amazing. Taylor was recovering. "Mama sandwich." They said with excitement as wrapping their teenage daughter ina hug to celebrate the fact that she was winning.

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, so sorry for not updating, I've been away at camping with no wifi for a while. Not sure exactly when I'll get to update this but as of when I wrote this chapter, I have been clean for two months, and I'm so proud of it, even if it doesn't sound like much. **

**Anyways, it's a short chapter so I'll probably update once more with a longer on before school starts but then I'll update as inspiration comes to me and as I have the time. Reviews please? Thanks for all the previous, reviews, favorites and follows. Lots of love! xoxo**


	12. Chapter 13

"Who's excited for tomorrow?" Stef asked, looking around the dinner table at her kids.

"I am, I missed school." Mariana replied, the other kids gave her a puzzled look, there were very few people that liked both the social and academic aspects of school but Mariana was one of those unique people.

"Brandon, what about you buddy, senior year?" Stef asked, trying to get her kids to talk about school, something that was clearly not the favorite dinner time topic.

"Yeah." Brandon took a final bite of food before standing up from the table, trying to run up to his room to practice, "Can I go?"

Lena shook her head, telling her son to sit back down, "Come on guys, the start of school is exciting, what classes are you taking that you're most excited about?"

At this, Jude perked up and decided he wanted to talk about school, "I'm in a cool engineering class, I might even get to make model rockets or cars this year!" Jude's excitement for school was adorable, the rest of the family couldn't help but laugh at how eager he had been all summer for school to start again.

Taylor had been quiet for the entire dinner conversation, something very unusual for her, "I'm not. Not at all excited, are you sure I can't do homeschooling or something this year?" She mumbled, Taylor had been begging for months to change schools, join an online school or do homeschooling but she couldn't convince her moms it was a good idea. She had been freaking out about having to go back this year for a week now. Just a few nights ago, Lena had to calm her down during an anxiety attack because Taylor was stressing out about school.

When the table went silent Taylor's head dropped and she looked at the floor while mumbling a, "Sorry." And then asking to be excused. Without asking for an answer Taylor darted out of the room and upstairs to her bedroom.

A few minutes later, Stef walked into her daughter's bedroom and saw Taylor staring at two different outfits, looking as if she was having trouble deciding which she wanted to wear on her first day back.

"Hey love," Stef said quietly while entering the room, not wanting to startle her daughter, "Come sit and talk to me, okay?"

Watching her mother sit down on her bed, Taylor made no effort to move. She had made a mistake downstairs by admitting that she didn't want to go back to school, admitting how bad school had really been for her last year. "I'm fine." She muttered.

"No, you're not. You need to talk. We don't want a repeat of last year, and clearly I don't know everything about last year." Stef knew being gentle with Taylor wasn't the best approach right now, Taylor would find a way to get out of talking.

"What do you want me to say?" Taylor practically screamed, not caring that she shouldn't be but she didn't want to talk about it, "The fact that last year I got beat on almost every freaking day and nobody noticed anything was wrong! Or how about that I stress out about my grades so much, just to make sure I can get out of here, that I spend nights without sleeping just to study for hours. Or that when school starts I'm just going to crash harder than before, and lose the people I love again!"

The last statement really surprised Stef, she knew Taylor had a hard time last year in school, but no idea that Taylor was being bullied and beat up a lot. Stef and Lena just assumed their daughter didn't like the school because of the kid's attitudes. There was once when Taylor's ribs were hurt, but Stef thought that was it.

"Oh, love," Stef started, she wanted to explain to her daughter that she had no idea that everything was that bad. Stef wanted Taylor to understand that she felt as if she had failed her job as the mother, by not protecting her, but she couldn't seem to get any words out. Stef's mind was still caught on her daughter's last sentence, 'When school starts, I'm just going to crash harder than before, and lose the people that I love again!'

Taylor wiped away a few tears, before looking back up, and reverting her gaze towards her mother rather than the floor. "Sorry, it's nothing. I'm trying to decide what I want to wear tomorrow." After an awkward moment of silence, Taylor continued, "If you wanted to help me choose."

Stef nodded, she was still trying to figure out what to say about her daughter's outburst, but she decided as long as Taylor was still talking to her it was a good thing, "So, what is it that you can't seem to decide on?" Stef asked. The two outfits laid in front of her were very different styles, one was something that just screamed Taylor's personality, red and black plaid jeans with a black sweater, and to complete the outfit a rainbow and unicorn belt. The other outfit was a simple plain blue jeans and grey sweater.

Taylor sighed looking at her two choices of clothing, "One outfit, I love. The other, it's just not my style, it's kinda boring."

"So go with the one that you love?" Stef said, more as a question than a statement, she didn't understand where her daughter was going with her line of thinking.

"But," Taylor started, this was the explanation Stef had been waiting for, "The one that I love is different. The outfit I love, will make me stick out more, maybe even get beat up on the first day. The one that isn't my style is normal, it'll help me blend in." Taylor finally gave in and sat down on the bed next to Stef. "The things I love, are the reason I lose the people I love."

Stef saw her opening and quickly spoke before Taylor could again, "What do you mean lose the people you love, again?"

Taylor began digging her nails into the palm of her hand, this was something she started when she got to urge to cut, partially to keep from cutting, though she more often used it when uncomfortable around people and used the pain to focus on, "Last year... Well when I got bad..."

Taylor couldn't figure out what to say, she didn't know how to explain it without feeling like she sounded insane. "Last year when I got bad, I realized how annoying I was, how much I was burdening everyone. So I started to push you all away, because everyone is too nice to get rid of me even though I'm really annoying." Taylor paused, almost crying, "I didn't want to hurt you so I just kept pretending I didn't need help, that I wasn't messed up. I kept making sure I didn't let myself get close to anyone, that's why I kept distancing myself when really I just wanted someone to hug me and tell me it would be alright."

Stef did exactly as Taylor had wanted, she wrapped her arms around her daughter, "It's gonna be alright. Sweetheart, look at me, you're going to make it through this. That school isn't going to be able to touch you. Now close your eyes and go to sleep, because tomorrow you're going to go walk those halls and hold your head high."

Stef sat with her daughter hugging her, until Taylor finally fell asleep. When Stef finally stood up to leave the room she noticed the two outfits on the ground. Picking up the plain outfit, a gray sweater and jeans, the outfit she knew Taylor hated, she put it away. Taylor shouldn't be afraid to express who she wanted to be.

Taylor had managed to slip out of the house the next morning without any lame, "first day of school photos" and in the outfit she wanted to wear. "I can do this. This year will be better, this year I am stronger.""

She had made it through three of her classes of the day, two periods of Biology, which Taylor had been really interested in and couldn't wait for the class to actually start and for her to start learning things. The third class was spanish, which Taylor had almost fallen asleep in since it had been a repeat of the same class she's taken a few years in a row now.

Taylor hadn't had to go to her class hallway yet, that's where the worst of everything had happened last year and she was terrified this year. Slowly, she turned the corner into Sophomore hallway and freaked when she didn't see any teachers or any of her siblings around. Calming herself down she finally lifted her head up and made eye contact with one of the groups from last year, "Oh look, the dyke gained some courage." One of the girls made a snarky comment.

"Guess we should fix that." Another person, someone Taylor couldn't see, said.

Taylor tried to walk by quicker but there was a group of people in her way, she was soon shoved into a locker, when she bounced back her shoulder was slammed into it again. She tripped, almost falling into someone she managed to catch her balance and stand back up.

"Fuck heads. It's the first day of school, leave me alone." Taylor said, screamed practically.

"What was that?" Presumably the girl who had shoved her asked.

"You. Heard. Me. You're all a bunch of no good rich kid fuckheads. Stop trying to hurt me." Taylor practically spit the words at her, she was going to stand up for herself, Taylor was tired of always getting hurt.

Shoving Taylor into a locker one more time before the bell rang and they walked off, the group started laughing at the girl who was now crying from the pain in her shoulder.

Taylor wiped away the tears, fiercely trying to hide what just happened and ran to her next class, this was why she didn't fight back last year, because now it was worse than if she had just allowed them to shove her once. It was only the first day back and Taylor was already bruised. She couldn't lift her arm without wincing in pain, this was going to be difficult to hide from her family.

"Hey Taylor, can you help me here?" Lena asked while carrying a chair from the basement to the back deck where the family was doing a little first day of school, end of summer, dinner.

"Uh, yeah." Taylor nodded trying to figure out how she could carry the chair without moving her shoulder which was practically immobile by now. Thankfully it was just a small lawn chair and light enough for Taylor to carry with just one arm, and nobody seemed to notice that she had been using her left hand instead of her right.

"Hi babies." Stef smiled when she saw her kids out in the back yard kicking a ball around, she wrapped her arms around Taylor and gave her a hug, causing the teenager to wince. "What?" Stef asked confused, how had she hurt Taylor with a hug.

"Nothing." Taylor muttered and turned away, the shoulder of her shirt slipping and exposing a deep, plum colored bruise on her shoulder.

Stef noticed the bruise but knew better than to harass Taylor about it now, Taylor would come to her mothers later if it was something she needed to deal with. She knew that school must have been hard today and wished she could have made it better.

Taylor had managed to hide her limp arm for the rest of the night until everyone had gone to bed, sneaking into the bathroom she grabbed a bottle of painkillers, and dumped a bunch into her hand. Slowly putting them all back but four the took them, hoping it would help her shoulder enough that she could move it in the morning. She also grabbed a bag of ice before heading back into her room for the night, she had school again in the morning and needed to at least try and sleep. Taylor was trying to fall asleep but couldn't help but break down in tears and couldn't control herself to stop shaking, she slowly reached for her bookcase and without even thinking she slashed her hip a few times, staring at the red blood, she was so upset with herself, the first day back and she was already crashing. But at the same time, seeing the red blood boil over her hip and start to fall, she was relieved, and couldn't help but feel that way.

The next day went by without any injury, she managed to pretend that she hadn't heard the words, whispers and rumors about her, that had somehow already started. When she got home, Taylor locked herself in her room to do some homework and fell asleep early.

The third day of school and she had already begun hating it and herself. Taylor had been changing, trying to be in her own corner of the locker room so that she didn't have to deal with the girl who was always being awful to her, when she felt someone behind her.

"Go away." Taylor agitatedly said to whoever was behind her.

"Excuse me?" She could tell who it was by the girl's voice.

Turning around, Taylor had to really try and not flinch, "I said. Go. Away."

Taylor sucked in a breath but still couldn't breathe, the bully had her arm across Taylor's throat and had Taylor pinned to the locker.

Struggling to breathe Taylor tried to slip out of the girl's grasp, to afraid to hit her, knowing that Taylor would get into trouble with the school of she did. Taylor was close to slipping away when the girl pulled her arm away from Taylor's neck.

Subconsciously, Taylor let her guard down and grabbed at her neck, still struggling to breathe. While she wasn't paying attention the girl told her to look up, as soon as Taylor did, the girl punched her in the eye. Taylor's head flew back and hit the locker behind her as the girl laughed and walked out of the gym locker room.

Blinking, trying to open her eye, Taylor could already tell that it would be bruised, and she would have to find a way to hide it from her moms.

Taylor pulled her hair out of it's usual ponytail and ran up the stairs to her next class, running into Jesus she stopped quickly, "Jesus. Give me your beanie, I forgot mine at home and my hair is a mess." The lie was so simple, Taylor hadn't even needed to think of it ahead of time.

"Yeah sure. Whatever, give it back when we get home, I've got to get to class." Jesus threw the hat to his younger sister and ran off towards his classroom as Taylor did the same. This was the perfect way to keep some hair in front of her eye, and to keep from anyone seeing the bruise for a few days until it healed enough to act as if she had just fell.

Making it through the rest of the day, Taylor fell into the front seat of her mother's car, Stef was picking her up and dropping her off at school because Lena had to work late. "Hey sweets, how was school?"

Taylor began to dig her fingernails into her palm, without her mother noticing and held back tears as she lied, "It was good."

Without another word, Stef drove Taylor home and dropped her off, "I'll be back to pick you up and bring you to practice tonight."

Taylor smiled and nodded, slowly so that her hair wouldn't move away from her eye, "Okay, sounds great." Another lie, in Taylor's mind she was freaking out about how she was going to make it through a night at karate without having to put her hair up in a ponytail.

Taylor was about to go into her class when her mom stopped her, "Hey honey, don't you need to put your hair in a ponytail?"

Taylor cringed, she was so stupid to think that she was going to be able to get away with not putting her hair up that night, "Uh, I forgot a hair elastic." _That's such a dumb lie,_ Taylor thought but hoped that her mother let it go at that.

"I think Lena has one, let me check." Stef said, she had began to become suspicious why Taylor wouldn't move her hair out of her face, it wasn't like her to just "forget" things. Not even considering the fact that Taylor almost always had her hair in a ponytail.

After several minutes of fighting with Stef, Taylor was finally told that she had to put her hair up into a ponytail. Angrily pulling her hair back into a ponytail her black and swollen eye was exposed to everyone around her. Her mothers were shocked when they noticed the black eye, Taylor was embarrassed and just kept her head down, not making eye contact with anyone around.

Soon after Taylor's black eye had been exposed everyone had begun asking about it, Lena being one of the first, she grabbed her daughter's arm and pulled her off into a corner, "Did that happen at school?"

Taylor shrugged, angry that she was made to put her hair up, "I'm fine."

"Did it happen at school?" Lena repeated.

"I said, that I was fine." Taylor snapped and ran off, she hadn't meant to but she didn't want to talk about it and being cornered wasn't helping.

Taylor ran out to the bridge that went over the river, she wasn't going to jump, not today. But she needed to be somewhere alone and no one thought to look for her there, the rushing water and kids running through the park near by calmed her. Taylor looked at her phone which had a text, "Please tell me who did this." Lena.

"It's no big deal." Taylor replied. "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

"It's alright." Taylor heard a voice behind her reply. "I want to know. This is important to me." Taylor cringed when she heard Lena say that.

Without thinking Taylor wiped away a tear and screamed, "But I'm not important!"

Lena wrapped her arms around her daughter, "Yes you are. And people are treating you like shit. I'm tired of it. Who did this to you? A boy? Girl? Group of people? Please, baby tell me."

"It'll only make it worse, they'll only be meaner to me." Taylor tried explaining.

Lena let it go for the night, Taylor clearly wasn't in the best state to be trying and solving her problems, Lena sat there on the bench next to the bridge holding her daughter while Taylor cried.

Stef and Brandon were waiting for the two to come back when Stef called Brandon over, "I need you to talk to her, see if you can find anything out. Okay love?"

Brandon just nodded, he was surprised and angry about what had happened to his younger sister, and he wasn't going to let it happen again. "I'm going to watch out for her."

Stef looked at her son with pride, this family wasn't going to allow people to hurt Taylor, even if at the moment she refused to admit that she was getting help.

Taylor and Lena were walking back when Taylor suddenly stopped, "Can I not go to school tomorrow? Please?" She was begging, close to tears, Lena knew that she shouldn't allow her daughter to run from her problems, especially when Taylor kept claiming that she "just fell" and was acting like nothing happened.

"Sure." Lena agreed, "Just for one day."

Taylor still refused to admit that anyone had hurt her, she swore to herself that she was never going to admit it. "It'll only make things worse. Just like when you stuck up for yourself." She kept whispering.

**Author's note: **

**Sorry that it has taken so long to update, I hope I haven't lost to many readers, anyways I hope you liked the chapter and I'll be updating another one soon, leave reviews on what you thought and what you would like to see! I do have a poll that I would like someone to answer, if Taylor were to reveal a big secret, do you think she would choose to tell Callie or her moms? Let me know what you think and I'll try and write that into the next chapter! **

**Read, review, favorite, follow but most importantly enjoy! Lots of Love! **


	13. Chapter 14

"Have fun babies." Stef said kissing Taylor on the forehead and hugging Brandon and Callie.

"We will." Taylor promised, a huge smile on her face. She had been so excited to go out of state and compete in a karate tournament.

"Make sure you get some sleep." Stef teased, it was only three in the morning, she received a confused look from the teenager before continuing on, "You're way to peppy and happy, so one of two options, you're overtired and trying to act like you're not, or I need to know what you've done with my daughter." Stef was secretly glad that Taylor was so excited about something, she wanted to see her daughter happy again.

Taylor's smile flattered, but only for a minute, even though nobody said anything about it, all three members of her family noticed. Something was going on and they just needed to figure out what. "Uh, okay. Bye Stef. I'm going to go get on the bus so we can go." Her mother gave her one more quick squeeze on the shoulder before Taylor fell into her seat on the bus away from the looks of her now questioning mother.

Stef first looked to Callie and then to Brandon, "Remember what we talked about, okay love?"

Brandon nodded, "If I find anything out, I'll let you and Lena know. I know mom."

Stef nodded and hugged her son once more before he got on the bus and sat in the seat behind Taylor. Taylor closed her eyes and waited to see if Brandon said anything before turning her music on, she knew her family was worried about her, that's why she had been acting so much "better." That's why she was so happy and excited in the parking lot, she was acting so none of her family would know what's really going on.

Taylor had been having trouble sleeping for a few weeks, at first it was only once maybe twice a week that she would wake up, and she would be able to calm herself down, recently Taylor had been terrified to go to sleep. Staying awake as long as she possibly could. She had been having nightmares, about ten years ago something had happened to Taylor, and now it was causing her to lose sleep.

She kept arguing with herself that she didn't need help because it had happened so long ago, "I should be over this. It hasn't bugged me before now." She would try and convince herself, despite her efforts, it had been affecting her, and she hadn't been getting much sleep recently.

Taylor watched as Callie got onto the bus and Stef stood in the parking lot, lingering a moment. Taylor was worrying about what Callie had said causing Stef to stop and stare into the bus at Taylor but she shrugged it off and smiled out the window as turning the music up louder.

Taylor watched as almost everyone on the bus, including her two siblings fell asleep before they had even been riding for twenty minutes, Taylor had two seats to herself and she was laying across them, looking out the window at the stars while listening to music. After a few hours they arrived at their destination, Taylor smiled as everyone woke up,

"How'd you sleep?" Callie asked her, presumably trying to get some information out of her to tell their moms.

"I didn't." Taylor shrugged, when she saw Callie's concerned expression she quickly thought of a lie, "The bus is too uncomfortable."

"Yeah. Okay." Callie replied looking to Brandon, Taylor could tell there was some sort of a silent conversation going on, but she decided not to ask about it, not having the energy to deal with it all at the moment.

The day went by and Taylor was mostly by herself, neither of her two moms were there to watch her and her siblings were in different sections of the gym for most of the day. Taylor did pretty well, and was relatively happy with how she did, but something kept nagging at her, she felt like she could have done better if she had some sleep before hand. The fact that she was so exhausted she could only do so well upset her.

Several hours after arriving, the tournament was over, the crew was loading themselves back onto the bus.

"Ugh, I can't wait until we stop and get some food," Brandon stated, then he looked to his sister, hoping she would agree.

Taylor smiled, knowing exactly what Brandon was thinking, "Me too. I'm hungry."

The small interaction was enough for Brandon to calm himself down, at least it wasn't an eating disorder. Jokingly, Brandon wrapped his sister in a bear hug causing Taylor to start flailing and trying to get out of the hug. Taylor was so weak from the lack of sleep that after just a minute or two she gave up and her body just stopped as she almost fell over.

"What's wrong?" Callie asked, watching the interaction, she had expected Taylor to keep fighting until she got away and started to worry when Taylor just stopped.

"Tay," Brandon said, "Look at me." He was trying to get his sister to look at him, if she would make eye contact he knew he could get her to tell the truth. "Why are you so weak today?"

Taylor looked up but not at Brandon's eyes, "Jeez thanks." She sarcastically replied rolling her eyes.

"Tay. What's wrong?" Brandon asked again, he wasn't in the mood for her to be dodging the question. Sometimes, Brandon could be just like Stef, especially when it came to his way of questioning.

"Nothing." She blew off the question again, she didn't want to tell Brandon why she hadn't been sleeping. Taylor didn't want to explain everything, especially to people who would try and "help." She was pretty much over it, at least Taylor wished that if she ignored it, she could be over it.

The two older siblings let her get away with it for a little while until Callie was watching Taylor after she finally dozed off, Taylor couldn't stop flinching and her breathing was becoming shorter and quicker.

Callie called Brandon's attention to their younger sisters behavior, the were both watching as she shot straight up, wide awake, staggered breathing and her hands in fists.

"Tay, what's going on sweetie?" Callie asked, she moved so that she could sit next to Taylor, she could tell that Taylor was struggling with an oncoming anxiety attack.

"I'm fine." Taylor said trying to hold back tears, she stood up, "I need to use the bathroom." She mumbled, getting up from her seat and locking herself in the bathroom as she began to cry. She needed help, Taylor was so tired, and she was afraid that people would laugh at her, almost ten years ago and she was still making a big deal out of it? "What a drama queen." She was afraid they would say.

Taylor wiped the tears away from her eyes and went to sit back down next to Callie, there was only a few more minutes before the bus was back home and Stef or Lena would come to pick the three up to bring them home.

"Callie, can we talk when we get home?" Taylor whispered, she knew she could trust her sister, she knew her sister would know how to tell at least one of her moms and they would know what to do.

"Of course baby girl." Callie said briefly hugging her little sister before the two girls and some other kids on the bus started singing and talking to pass the time.

When the family finally got home, Stef went to her room and the others were all asleep. Callie soon joined Taylor in her room.

"I'm so tired." Taylor whispered.

"Why?" Callie asked, she was surprised that she didn't have to say anything before Taylor finally admitted something.

"I haven't really slept well lately." Taylor sighed, "Things like what happened on the bus have been happening a lot."

"And what happened on the bus?" Callie knew what had been happening but she was hoping if she let Taylor comes to terms with it on her own then Taylor would admit she needed help.

"Panic attacks." Taylor said, she then looked at Callie and answered the silent question her sister was asking, "I've been having recurring nightmares, because of them I try and stay up all night on the nights I can, and as late as possible on other nights. And even then, I wake up and can't breathe, I freak."

"What are the nightmares about?" Callie asked.

"What happened to me when I was younger." Taylor whispered, she was ashamed of it. "The boy who did that stuff to me."

Callie was stunned, she knew that "something" had happened to Taylor when she was younger, some sort of sexual assault, but Taylor never liked to talk about it. She kept quiet, it had been reported, police knew about it so Taylor's motto was always, "The people who needed to know, knew and now it's the past." So the fact that Taylor was admitting that it was bothering her to Callie meant it was a big deal.

"Can you sleep in here tonight?" Taylor was ashamed by the request but she knew that Callie would know how to calm her down when she needed it and Taylor was so desperate to try and sleep through the night.

"Of course Tay!" Callie exclaimed, she could tell by the fact that Taylor was looking down that she didn't want to ask for the simple request.

Taylor became really quiet for the rest of the night, she finally fell asleep but was awake just a few hours later shaking, Callie noticed but Taylor just smiled and left the room for a few minutes to calm herself down so she didn't keep her sister awake.

The next time Taylor woke up it was late enough to be considered "morning" so Taylor decided to not try and sleep again.

Callie noticed her sister's heavy breathing, sweaty hands and face, watery eyes and could tell she was really struggling with these nightmares, "You need to tell someone."

Taylor nodded, "Okay."

Callie shook her head, then she took Taylor's hand in hers, "No. This is not something we are going to joke about, you're going to tell our moms right?"

Taylor just nodded and then wiped away a tear, "Yes."

Callie smiled and kissed her sister's forehead, "Good, Tay? I love you."

Taylor nodded and replied with a love you too, but once Callie walked out of the room, Taylor whispered to herself, "I know I have to tell someone, but I don't know how."

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, sorry for the shorter chapter, this is more of a chapter for me. My friend said to write it out to help me deal with it, this chapter and Taylor is based off me, pretty much every detail. Which is why even though I normally wouldn't do this, I would like my reader's advice, especially if anyone has dealt with something similar to this, is it normal for this to be resurfacing now? After such a long time? Do I have to tell someone or will it just pass? How would you tell someone about this type of issue, it's not easily brought up in conversation... Anyways, thanks for reading, review and I'll update again soon! Thanks again, lots of love! xoxo **


	14. Chapter 15

For Taylor, school hadn't gotten much better since the first day. She was walking down the hallway, sleeves pulled over her hands, which were balled in fists, head down when someone shoved her to the side and slammed her head into a locker.

Taylor winced, someone's hand slamming her head one final time against the locker, trying to blink away the blackness and continue down the hallway. Falling into her seat, Taylor tried to focus and take the test she had studied for the entire night before. She couldn't remember anything, her head was pounding.

One more class later and Taylor was barely able to think, a strange fuzziness clouding her thoughts. When the teacher called on her and Taylor didn't answer, her teacher could tell something was wrong, "Taylor. I need to speak with you after class."

Nodding slowly, as to not upset her head, Taylor tried to focus on the class, being asked to stay after was never a good thing, even with the teachers that Taylor liked.

"Are you alright this afternoon?" The teacher asked, clearly concerned, which was the thing Taylor hated most about having to talk to her teachers, she could tell they cared, they just couldn't care enough.

"Yeah, I have a migraine, I apologize for not focusing in class, I'll go home and sleep and hopefully it'll go away for tomorrow." Taylor lied, it wasn't like she had never lied before but she had never lied this easily, and it seemed now as if she was always lying, oh it's just a scratch, i don't know who hit me, i didn't even notice that bruise.

"Are you sure Taylor, if it were something else, would you tell me?" Taylor's teacher half chuckled before Taylor could reply, "Of course you wouldn't I know that." She gave Taylor a warm smile, trying to comfort her the best she could, it was the reason Taylor had begun to like this teacher.

"Thanks," Taylor tried to muster a smile in return but found it to be quite difficult, "Have a nice day."

"You too Taylor."

Taylor looked back once more before leaving the class for the day, "Sorry."

Wiping away a few tears Taylor tried to make it appear as if she had been having a normal day before Lena saw her and had time to ask questions.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Lena asked immediately, her daughter's eyes still red from crying.

"Nothing, I'm fine," Taylor flashed a quick fake smile and tried to get into the car.

"I know what your face looks like when you're hiding something." Lena paused, this sounded more like what Stef would say but she knew Taylor responded better to harsh realities than Lena's soft calming voice. "Tell me what happened."

"I hit my head!" Taylor practically screamed, "I hit my head, and don't bother asking by who or when because I can't remember, it's all fuzzy and I just want to go home to bed." Pausing she sighed, "Lena, it's not important, can we just go?" Taylor was desperate.

"This is important to me, I want to know who it is, I want to know so I can make sure they stop hurting you. It is important." Lena went to hug her daughter, trying to comfort her.

Taylor stepped away, her head was pounding and she was hurt enough today with everyone who cared trying to help her, they couldn't so she was tired of everyone saying they would and nothing happening, "I'm not important! Can't you see that? I'm not important, that's why they do this to me!"

"Hey now," Lena stepped forward again and this time wrapped her daughter in a hug, "You are important, think about it for a minute baby. You are. To me, your mom. You're brothers and sisters, Brandon has been so upset that he can't find who it is hurting you, you matter so much to your older brother, so much to all of us."

Lena slowly sat down on the edge of the seat in her car, still holding her hurt daughter, who was still mumbling through sobs that she wasn't important, that she didn't do anything, that she just wanted them to leave her alone, and Lena's heart broke for Taylor.

Finally, Lena calmed her daughter down and got her in the car, she could see that Taylor was emotionally shutting down, and would have to keep an eye on her at home, but Lena thought of this as another big step for Taylor, Taylor admitting she was hurt, and seeing that people cared about it, was important for Taylor to begin recovering.

**Author's note:**

**Sorry for the shorter chapter, and sorry that it's been a while to update, but right now I'm on top of my grades, my activities and I have a ton of inspiration, so I should update another chapter in a couple days, this was an important chapter but it's also a chapter to set the rest of this story up, so if you found it to be not well written let me know, but also know things will build. Anyways, I wanted advice, end the story soon or keep going? I know some people don't like self harm stories that go for 50 chapters and some people don't care as long as it's a good story, just let me know your thoughts! Thanks! Lots of Love! **


	15. Chapter 16

"So, I heard what happened today at school. Moms told me." Jesus said before even asking to enter the room.

"I hit my head." Taylor shrugged, "Not much more to say."

"I also heard what Momma told Mom about what happened after you told her you hit your head."

Taylor froze, but tried to play it off as if she was fine, "You were listening in on a conversation between our moms? Yeah that's not gonna bite you in the ass in about an hour."

Jesus wasn't phased, he knew that things had been happening with Taylor, and even though she didn't like to talk about them, Brandon and Callie did. Most of his information on the situation was from his two older siblings, "Momma said you had a breakdown in the parking lot. Completely, you didn't even try to think of a lie. They're worried that it's getting to you."

"Well it's not." Taylor lied, her hand in a fist next to her side, hoping her brother didn't come close and notice the razor in her hand, "I couldn't care less what other people do to me."

"Okay, sure." Jesus shrugged and back away towards the door.

"What?" Taylor challenged, "Don't believe me?"

"No." Jesus stated plainly and stopped where he was standing, "You and Callie both think you're so good at hiding it, I know you though, I can tell. You're laughs are more forced when I make a joke. You've been smiling more. But it's not the same, it hasn't been that same beautiful smile you had a year ago, heck it's not even the same as this summer. In the last two months, since school started, you haven't been okay for more than a day at a time."

"I didn't know." Taylor was surprised, she was barely able to form a sentence, "I didn't know Callie was getting bad again."

Jesus just nodded sadly, two of his sisters hurting so badly they had been hurting themselves, and he didn't know how to help. "You can talk to me about it, you know that right? I'm not just the one to make you laugh."

"I know," Taylor smiled, someone had seen that she had been hurting, and there was someone else looking out for Callie too. "And I will. Right now, I have a headache and I'm gonna go grab some aspirin."

"Hi Callie." Taylor whispered entering her sisters room, "You cut again?"

Callie looked surprised, "What?"

"Jesus let it slip, why didn't you tell me?" Taylor paused, she knew what Callie was going to say, and answered for her, "I know why. You didn't want me to have to worry about you, Callie I'm fine. You hiding the fact that you're hurting, it's not saving me. I'm still getting beat up, I'm still cutting, it just means we're both sad and not talking."

"I know, it's just," Callie paused, she didn't know how to say that Taylor was barely handling her own pressures without having to worry about her sister, "You weren't in the best place when I first relapsed, and I didn't know what to say after that."

"Callie. We're gonna get through this, together." Taylor was sure of it, if there was anyone Taylor would promise to take care of herself for, it would be her family. Especially, if it was helping take care of them in the process. "One day, we're gonna wake up and just be able to say that we made it, but we're only going to make it, together."

"Okay." Callie smiled, her sister was stronger than anyone knew, if Taylor could survive everything people had been doing to her lately, and still care for others, than Callie knew that Taylor could handle it if Callie ever needed to talk to someone.

Taylor hugged her sister quickly before finally going downstairs to talk to her moms about what had happened today at school.

"Taylor Wait." Callie called out as her sister was about to leave the room, "I love you. And you're so incredibly inspiring."

"I love you too." Taylor paused, she wasn't sure how to take the compliment, "You will never understand how inspiring you are to me, so I'm just returning the gift."

"Hi momma. Hi mom." Taylor said as she walked into the kitchen, looking to the ground because she didn't want to see the hurt in her mothers' eyes.

"Sweetheart, come here." Stef tried to coax her daughter to come near, and to look up from the ground. When Taylor made no effort to move, Stef tried again, "Please love, you and I haven't gotten to talk much in the last few days."

Taylor looked up and had tears in her eyes, "Why do they hate me mom?" Taylor practically ran across the room into her mother's open arms.

"I'm going to go get some tea, okay loves?" Lena whispered, she and Taylor already had a moment, and she knew that Stef was the one who Taylor needed at the moment. Stef nodded, and silently, mouthed "thank you."

"I'm. so. tired. of. them." Taylor sobbed, as much as she was trying to pretend things weren't taking an affect on her, she seemed to be losing control over that and breaking down more and more.

Stef ran her fingers through Taylor's hair, slowly so she didn't hurt Taylor's head more, "Talk about it. How are you feeling?"

"I'm sad. But I'm also blank." Taylor tried to explain, Stef could see that she was agitated. "And I'm pissed." Taylor froze for a moment realizing she had swore in front of her mom, Stef looked behind her to make sure Lena wasn't there and then nodded, "It's fine Taylor, you're allowed to swear."

"I'm pissed." Taylor whispered again, "That they, people who are so afraid of being different they give me concussions and black eyes, are the ones who get to be happy. That I'm the one who spends every night trying to decide if I want to live or not and they're the awful people."

Stef didn't say anything, she could never get Taylor to talk this much, and she was afraid saying something would make her daughter stop talking.

"And I'm pissed that they think they control my happiness. That I let them control that." There was a sudden change in Taylor's tone, she was more determined now, a hidden fierceness that Taylor didn't normally show, "They can't anymore. They will not have any control over my happiness."

Taylor stood up, ran up the stairs, leaving behind a very confused Stef, she was proud that her daughter wasn't going to let other people's hatred control her happiness but she didn't understand why Taylor had run up the stairs.

Callie noticed her sister rummaging through her book case, "Taylor what are you doing?"

"Recovering." Taylor stated simply, she must of found what she was looking for, Callie assumed, because Taylor grabbed it and quickly went back down the stairs.

"I need to go for a walk." Taylor said to her moms quickly, looking to make sure they approved before she ran out the front door, seeing her mothers' hesitant looks she closed the door and turned to face them, "I promise I'll come back from the walk. You don't have to worry just because of what happened today at school. I promise you I'll come back."

Her mothers silently nodded, allowing her to go but Taylor could tell they still weren't very convinced, she walked over to both her mothers and gave them each a hug with an, "I keep my promises, I love you." She then quickly smiled and slowly, walked out of the house.

Taylor didn't have to walk far, just to "her bridge" where she could sit and think, today, Taylor already knew what she wanted to do, so she walked further than the bench on the bridge, to the edge. Taylor took a deep breath, she had been standing on this same ledge, a dozen times, and never been as nervous as she was now. Taylor pulled her phone out of her back pocket, she knew there would be someone who wanted to see this.

"This is the last one." Taylor whispered, pointing the camera at the razor in her hand, "I've gotten rid of all the others." She paused a moment, her fingers wrapping around the cold metal, not sure if she had the strength to do what she wanted.

One more breath and Taylor took another step, checking to make sure that there wasn't anyone around, "Here's to recovery!" Taylor shouted, throwing her final razor into the river, watching as the light caught the razor, the camera recording it all, until all that could be seen was the rushing water.

She jogged home, tears in her eyes, she was going to get better. Taylor was determined, she had promised herself she was going to get better for herself, and her family. She was going to recover and then maybe she could help her sister who had helped her so much too. Taylor paused as she opened the front door, she had promised herself, "And I keep my promises." Taylor said out loud as she walked into the house and saw her moms looking at her, letting go a sigh of relief that she had kept her promise and came home.

**Authors note: **

**So I know this seems like the end, but it's not so don't worry for those of you who enjoy my story, recovery is never that easy. I'd just like to say, that this chapter was based on personal experience, which is bad because of my friend, "callie" but good because the ending was personal experience also. :) As for the person who said something about a concussion on the last chapter, my "moms" (long story) assume it was a mild one and keep an eye on it for over a week. Thanks everyone for reading, I hope you enjoyed and please leave a review on what you might want to see! Reviews inspire me to write more. :) Lots of Love! **


	16. Chapter 17

"Good morning beautiful." Callie greeted Taylor, as Taylor managed to roll out of bed and out into the kitchen for breakfast.

"Shut up." Taylor mumbled playfully, the nightmares hadn't been as bad last night, or maybe it was because she had been so overtired her body just crashed but Taylor slept for almost ten hours.

"So how's it been going?" Callie asked, trying to be discreet.

"No, I haven't cut. I'm recovering this time. No one except me has the control to ruin my happiness." Taylor promised, she was still going strong despite what had been going on at school to her. Seeing her sister still staring at her, "Two weeks."

Callie's smile grew and she practically ran over her sister as she gave her a hug, "You're doing it! I'm so proud of you! You're so inspiring."

Taylor just giggled, and said thank you. She knew it wasn't going to be easy to recover and stay clean, but she also knew she had the support, and the drive. Taylor knew if she could do it, then she could help Callie and Callie was her reason to live.

"And how have you been?" Taylor knew it wasn't the best thing to ask when the mood was so happy but she hated that she was getting better and her sister was getting worse. As soon as she asked, Taylor felt as if the air in the room instantly got tense.

"Fine." Callie replied quietly.

"I know what fine means." Taylor smiled sadly. She hugged her sister again, "I'm still so proud of you. You know why? Because two weeks, two years, two months, two minutes clean. All of it is a struggle. You're still fighting. And you're still so inspiring to me, you're the reason I want to get clean. We're gonna do this together okay?"

Callie wasn't convinced but she still shook her head yes, "And you know what. You keep saying how badly you want me to get better. You have no idea how much I want that for you. For both of us, because we're gonna get into our dream colleges, and have kids who I can spoil every weekend and somehow, we're gonna figure out how to make it through high school. Okay? Every minute is another minute closer to recovery."

Before Callie could reply the two teenagers were interrupted by their mother walking into the room.

"Hi babies." Lena smiled and hugged her two daughters. "How are you two this morning?"

"Good," Taylor replied for both, Callie was close to crying and her sister was trying to cover for her. "I've got homework though, so I should probably go do that, don't want to waste the entire day on it."

As Taylor was about to leave the room she noticed a car pull into the driveway, running out the front door she tackled Brandon into a hug and couldn't help but smile. "You're home!"

"Yeah, I was only gone for a few days of the vacation, I didn't think you'd miss me this much." Brandon laughed hugging his younger sister, "I did get you something though."

Taylor smiled and ran to give her mother a hug, Stef was surprised, this was completely out of character for Taylor. "Hi baby. How was your first few days of the vacation?"

"Two weeks." Taylor whispered to her. Taylor then let go and louder explained how her vacation so far was uneventful and asked how the college visit was. Brandon and Stef had spent the first few days of Thanksgiving break in New York and Boston looking at colleges for the following year.

When the entire family was finally in the living room and all the kids were happily chattering about the rest of their vacation plans and what had already been done this vacation Stef leaned over to talk to her wife.

"How has she been?" Stef asked, still surprised by the reaction when she got home this morning.

Lena shrugged looking at her giggling daughter, "Better. I think she's actually making it. She's been singing a lot more late at night though, and waking up earlier though, so maybe something's bothering her." Seeing Stef's troubled look, Lena continued, "Love, don't drown her in questions, she not hurting herself, that's the most important thing."

Stef nodded, "Yeah it is. All our babies happy and healthy."

The two watched as the kids finally settled down to watch a movie, Taylor resting her feet on Jesus, Callie sitting close to her, Jude attached to Callie's side and Brandon and Mariana lying down in front of the pile of kids. This is what they wanted for their family.

After the movie, Taylor slipped upstairs to her room while the rest of the family was trying to decide what to do for dinner.

"What's up?" Jesus' voice made her jump.

"Damn Jesus, you trying to give me a heartattack?" Taylor rolled her eyes before facing her brother.

"Maybe." Jesus grinned, "No, but really how are you?"

"Fine." Taylor lied, she had come upstairs for a reason.

"Bull." Jesus called her on it. "Let's go out for a walk."

Taylor was hesitant at first, but Jesus' tone left no room to argue, and the last thing Taylor wanted was for him to go get Callie and Brandon, then she would be forced to deal with all three of her older siblings.

"So are you excited?" Jesus asked when they got outside and began walking down the street.

"For what?" Taylor was lost in her thoughts, she had gone upstairs to find something as a new tool, she was already struggling.

"Your driving test is in two days, you just got a job. And today, you're two weeks clean." Jesus stated, Taylor could tell how proud of her he was, Jesus couldn't help but smile at his little sister and looked as if he wanted to hug her but decided against it for the moment.

"Oh, yeah I mean, I'm finally getting my life in order." Taylor smiled, before Jesus pointed it out, she hadn't realized how good things had been in the last couple of weeks. "I'm getting my life together." Taylor whispered again.

"We all knew you could do it, you just needed to prove it to yourself. Stop being so hard on yourself and you'll be able to accomplish anything." Jesus gave his sister a quick hug and began to run back to the house, Taylor quickly running after him as to not let him win.

Once the two teenagers had run back to the house, deciding to call a tie for now, Jesus went upstairs to get some homework done and Taylor was called into the kitchen, "So you got a job, I heard?" Stef asked when Taylor entered the room.

"Yeah." Taylor smiled, her first interview and she was offered the job on the spot, she couldn't have been happier.

"I'm really proud of you love," Stef said hugging her daughter, "And you've been feeling okay too?"

Taylor paused a moment, and without lying shook her head yes, "I actually think so."

Two days later and Taylor had passed her driver's test with no problem, and soon after had her first day at work and was a natural. Things had been going really good for Taylor, and before she realized it, one month clean had passed. Taylor had managed to bring her grades up despite the rough start to the quarter and hadn't missed any school in the last three weeks, she had really been making progress. A few more weeks went by and Taylor had been offered a part time position instead of being laid off when the other seasonal workers were supposed to be. Three days after her job offer, Taylor had made it to two months clean with only a week before winter break. Taylor had been recovering, and her family could see that she had been happier now then she had been in a really long time.

**Authors note: **

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated lately! I got a job and between, my two jobs (sorta, long story) and six high school honors classes I'm super busy but now it's vacation so my goal is at least three more chapter before I go back to school. Anyways, hope you liked the chapter, new one soon because I already know what I'm gonna write! Read, review and enjoy, as always, lots of love! **


	17. Chapter 18

"Hey, Taylor. Come here," Calie called her sister over towards the calendar hanging on the wall, "Guess what?"

"What?" Taylor replied half asleep, Taylor had been taking a nap before Lena woke her up a few minutes before.

"There's only twelve more days until the new year. Twelve more days until we've survived until 2015." Callie smiled, clearly excited as she counted the days once again to make sure that the new year was as close as she really had hoped.

Suddenly grinning,Taylor couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, she hadn't accomplished anything she had planned this year, she still never had a serious relationship, never spoke her mind like she promised she was going to. Taylor had too many regrets for the year to already be over.

"Hey," Callie said frowning, noticing her sister lost in thought, "What's wrong?"

"Can you do something with me? No matter how dumb it sounds? Please, just for twelve days." Taylor begged, "Until the new year, no regrets, just, do what we want, what makes us happy for the next two weeks?"

"It doesn't sound dumb," Callie smiled, she actually liked the idea, and it would be a way to get Taylor to actually do something that makes her happy, "I'm in."

A few days went by with the two not mentioning their idea again, until Taylor brought up the idea of cutting her hair short, Jesus was all for it saying how cool it would look, and Taylor agreed. Her parents however, weren't all for the idea. Taylor began to doubt her decision and was discussing it with Callie when she pointed out a great idea to Taylor, "Do you want to cut your hair?"

Taylor nodded, "Yes." Pausing she thought a moment before speaking again, "I want this New Year to have a new me. And I want my haircut to be part of it."

"Then there's your answer, cut your hair on New Years eve and wear it with pride because 2015 is gonna have to be careful of a damn sexy you, and you're gonna rock it. This is gonna be your year beautiful."

"Thanks Cal." Taylor smiled before hugging her sister. She still felt, off, Taylor couldn't figure out why but she felt like she had been getting bad again lately for no reason.

Without thinking very much of it, Taylor walked into her room, grabbing a pencil sharpener and soon after to the bathroom. Taylor had felt so blank lately, like she couldn't feel anything, she wasn't sad, but she sure as hell wasn't happy. Taylor jumped, coming back from her thoughts, when she heard a knock on the door.

"Hey love," Taylor could tell it was Stef on the other side of the door, "Can you come downstairs to talk to momma and I?"

"Be right out!" Taylor tried to sound as calm as possible. She looked down at her arm, the bright red already bubbling over the small slit in her skin. Taylor had barely even felt the first cut and went on to leave three more marks, watching at the blood run together.

Still nothing. She should be upset. Taylor was only days away from three months. Days. And she couldn't feel anything as she slashed her skin a few more times. Quickly putting bandages up her arm to stop the bleeding, Taylor slipped a oversized sweater on so that there wouldn't be anything applying pressure to her arm.

"Welcome back." Taylor whispered, she had relapsed, after doing so well, Taylor was becoming overly depressed again.

Walking down the stairs, Taylor kept running her hands over the bandages, careful not to tear at them. Once downstairs she went to sit next to her moms at the kitchen table.

"Hi." Taylor said, not sure why her moms called her down, and not wanting to say anything that would hint at the fact that she had cut not two minutes ago.

"We wanted to talk to you," Lena started, "We support you with whatever you do, cut your hair or keep it long. We love you either way, and you're a beautiful girl either way. We're just trying to look out for you."

"I know," Taylor nodded, and she did understand, but this is what she wanted. "I get it. You're trying to protect me, I get beat up enough, I already deal with depression. But if you keep protecting me by making me act a certain way, then there isn't going to be a me to protect. I want to be the girl who dresses a little differently, the girl with short hair, the girl who dates other girls. This is me. Protecting me, isn't, it's changing me." The moment she finished saying it, Taylor paused, she had gone over the speech a hundred times in her head, but never expected herself to say it to her moms.

"Oh no, love," Lena put her hand on Taylor's arm, Taylor had to bite down on her lip to keep from gasping, the pressure on the fresh cuts was extremely painful. Lena tried to get Taylor to look at her but Taylor kept looking at the ground to keep from crying from the pain, "Oh no love, we don't want you to change. We aren't trying to do that at all. We love you for who you are, changing for others is never the answer."

"I'm sorry," Taylor apologized, "I shouldn't have said all that, I know you aren't trying to get me to change."

"I'm glad you said it," Stef said, quietly, which was strange for Stef, "It's true. We wanted you to keep your hair long so they didn't have another thing to pick on you for."

"But?" Taylor pleaded, she was really hoping there was a "we're gonna let you do it anyways."

"But," Stef smiled, "That wouldn't be protecting you, would it?

"Nope." Taylor grinned,her moms were still worried, but they saw her point of view, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." She said as she hugged them to go upstairs.

Once she was upstairs, Taylor took the bandages off her arm, watching as the blood dripped on her arm again, after cleaning the cuts, Taylor bandaged them again and slipped into bed, tears on her face, she was getting bad again, and had lost all her hard work. She just didn't have to energy to fight to stay clean anymore for now.

**Author's note: **

**So here's the new chapter, like I said, the story, and the struggle isn't over. Sometimes depression hits hard for no "real" reason. Anways, this was based partially on my life, the hair situation is mine. My family and friends want to protect me by making me keep my long hair instead of cutting it short again but, cutting it short, it's what I really want, who I really am. Any suggestions on what to tell them? Anyways, thanks for reading,review, follow, favorite, and as always enjoy!Lots of love! **

**P.S. I've been writing a new Foster's fanfic with Learn2Live (check out her fanfics!) And we should be posting it soon! It would be so amazing if you all would check it out!? Pretty please? And just remember, we're still learning each other's writing styles so stick with it through the first few chapters? Okay thanks! Lots of love! Stay strong to all my lovelies out there who needed to hear it. -Bri**


	18. Chapter 19

"It's freaking awesome!" Taylor couldn't help but smile at her new haircut, Callie and Jesus had gone with her to the mall to get a new haircut, her ears pierced and some new clothes for her "new look." And Taylor was extremely happy.

"This new year thing, whatever it is between you too is really helping her these last few days." Jesus whispered to Callie.

"Yeah, especially after the other night, she relapsed and didn't even think she was feeling that bad until after." Callie replied waiting for her sister to come out of the changing room.

"Guys, I hate it." Taylor sighed looking in the mirror at a tight blue dress her siblings wanted her to buy. "Look at my stomach bulging out of it." She whimpered putting her arms over her stomach.

"You can't even see your stomach!" Jesus protested.

"It's gorgeous, and it looks amazing on you!" Callie said, "Get it! You look beautiful in it."

"Besides," Taylor said staring at her arm, "It's short sleeves."

"But it's the new year, and a new years goal is to stay clean. So that isn't going to be a problem." Callie said with a tiny bit of guilt.

"You wanna come try something on Callie?" Taylor wanted to get a minute alone with her sister to have a real conversation about buying short sleeved clothing and if she was really expecting to stay clean for the entire year.

The two girls were in the changing room when Callie was trying on a dress and Taylor looked over at her sister, noticing a bandage on her hip. "Oh." Taylor whispered.

"What?" Callie asked pulling the dress over her head.

"Oh, nothing" Taylor covered, "Just this sweater is awful. That's all." She said not wanting to talk to her sister about the bandage just yet. When the two went into a bathroom a few minutes later, Taylor couldn't keep quiet anymore.

"Your hip." She whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Tay" Callie tried to play dumb.

"Wow, a little bit of a hypocrite?" Taylor rolled her eyes, and then without saying anything else hugged her sister. Relapsing sucked, and Taylor knew Callie would never tell her so she was glad she saw the bandage.

"We'll talk later," Callie said, "I promise."

"Okay," Taylor sighed defeated, she hated Callie always feeling like she had to hide when she was hurting and had to take care of everyone else.

"You two okay?" Jesus asked when his sister came out of the bathroom, both looking upset.

"Yeah." Taylor flashed a fake smile, knowing Jesus could see right through it but hoping it would let it slide until later. Callie had been getting bad again, and Taylor didn't have a clue, her sister and best friend had gone back to cutting and Taylor had been too caught up in her own problems to notice. Taylor had been so selfish that Callie had relapsed, and Taylor was never going to forgive herself.

"Let's hurry up, we still have to get food and stuff from across the street before we get picked up and so we aren't late to our own New Year's Party." Callie tried to cover, not wanting to talk about it with either of her siblings.

"You just wanna get home because what's his face is coming over!" Taylor teased as she saw Callie grin, Callie had been "not dating" this boy that they all knew from school, after Callie and Wyatt had decided they were better as just friends, Callie started to hang out more with Luke. Taylor didn't exactly like Luke because he seemed like the stereotypical homophobic high school football playing jerk but he made Callie happy so he had been invited to the party.

"You're just jealous because I have Luke coming over and Brandon has Madison at the party and Abby couldn't come for you!" Callie laughed teasing her sister.

"Whatever" Jesus muttered being on of the few people at the party who hadn't at least invited a plus one for a midnight kiss.

The three siblings were running around the store trying to decide what food to get, they finally settled on two frozen pizza's, three cases of soda, three bottles of sparkling cider for when the clock hit midnight, a couple bags of chips and some cake. "Think we have enough food there's only ten of us." Taylor joked knowing that well before midnight it would all be gone.

The party that Taylor had been planning for a month had been off to a great start, everyone had shown up on time, Jesus, Taylor, a few of their friends, Callie and Luke, Brandon and Madison were all sitting around eating and laughing with music playing in the background.

"Let's watch a movie!" Madison suggested.

Taylor grinned typing her favorite musical title into the search engine, hearing her siblings groan she laughed.

"Tay? Really? We've watched Rent so many times." Brandon complained and his other siblings helped trying to decide on a different movie.

"Wait? Rent?" Luke jumped in, "Dude that musical is amazing!"

Taylor paused the movie and turned around, "Wait. YOU like Rent?" She asked looking between Callie and her boyfriend, Callie must have told him to say that in order to suck up, but Callie looked just as confused.

"Yeah it's pretty good." Luke shrugged.

Taylor couldn't help but smile and play the movie while having a whole conversation with Luke about the best looking characters and Luke even knew the odd things about the movie that most people wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't watched it a lot.

"You're kinda cool." Taylor smiled, winking at Callie and "giving permission" for the two to date.

They group continued to share jokes and started talking about favorite memories throughout the year when they talked about favorite song of the last year. When Taylor shared her Luke started laughing, "I actually know that song, I love it!"

The group laughed as Taylor made fun of him for sucking up for brownie points but started to actually really grow to like him as if they were already friends. A few more hours went by, some more eventful than others until finally it was five minutes before the new year, when the countdown began the group was yelling out numbers. Taylor grabbed her phone to text her sister, not wanting to say outloud what she had been thinking, "New year no more bandaged hips. Same deal you made for me goes for you."

"We'll talk later, have fun now." Callie replied back quickly and then put her phone away before Luke would see the message.

"Twenty seconds." Jesus announced looking at the clock and pulling out his phone to get the tape of the countdown. The group started to yell even louder and started laughing.

"Happy fucking New Year." Taylor cheered once it was midnight. This was supposed to be the year that she and Callie were going to get better. Taylor swore to herself that this was going to be the year she acted how she wanted, talked more in classes and didn't let her depression get the best of her. Taylor had even considered telling her moms about getting bad again in order to get help if she needed it.

A few more hours passed before each of the kids started to fall asleep, Taylor being one of the first to close her eyes and her older siblings whispering and talking about her thinking she wasn't listening.

"She's been a bit happier since she relapsed last time." Brandon whispered.

"And she hasn't been saying things like, "What do I have to lose anyways.' as much as she was a few weeks ago." Jesus pointed out.

"And she was really excited about today and starting the new year so she could change herself, she just really wants to get better it seems like." Callie couldn't help but smile, she wanted nothing more than for Taylor to stay clean and not have to fight depression everyday.

Soon after their talk everyone fell asleep, in the morning Luke and some of the other kids had to leave and Taylor and Jesus started to clean up before any adults came downstairs and saw the mess that the teenage group had caused. The next two days passed with people mostly catching up on sleep.

Taylor, Jesus and a friend were out at a hockey game, Callie was supposed to go but couldn't for some reason that none of the kids knew why, which had Taylor worried all night. When Taylor noticed her phone ringing and Callie's number she ran out of the rink to take the call.

"Callie!" Taylor could barely breath, she hadn't gotten to talk to Callie since New Year's eve because something had happened that Taylor wasn't being told.

"Hey baby girl, I can only talk for a minute, okay? So just listen," Callie started before Taylor could say anymore. "I went to this lady, and I guess." Callie choked, "I went to this lady and I'm going to be away for a few days okay? I'm going to a hospital because they found out about my cutting and depression, and I won't be able to talk while I'm in there. Okay?"

Taylor was holding back tears, she didn't want her sister to start worrying about her, "Oh my god. Callie I'm so sorry."

"Shh," Callie's voice got tight, "I have to go now, I'm going to get better. Take care of everyone for me okay, and baby girl? Stay strong and stay safe. Okay, I love you."

Taylor nodded and then realized that Callie was on the phone not there in person, "Okay Callie, get better. Okay, don't worry about us, we love you. Be safe."

A second later Callie hung up the phone and Taylor almost fell to her knees, the tears came flooding down her face until she saw Jesus and their friend walking towards her. "It was Callie." She barely got the words out before tears came rushing down her face again, "She's going away to a hospital for a while, and we can't talk to her. Her depressions worse than I knew."

As soon as Taylor finished talking Jesus punched a wall causing his knuckles to bleed, "Jesus!" Taylor grabbed his hand before he could punch the wall again, "This isn't going to help."

Jesus looked at his younger sister and gave her a quick hug before punching the wall again and wiping away just a couple of tears. The two were a mess, both blaming themselves for not being able to help their sister, and both knowing that she was worse than they would ever find out. Neither knew what was happening, and that was what made the whole situation even more terrifying.

**Author's note: **

**So yeah. My best friend, my "sister" had her parents find out about her cutting and depression after a party we had and this is what happened, so that's how my vacation went, it's been a tough couple of weeks but I'm gonna write another chapter soon about everything. So let me know what you thought, thanks guys and as always, lots of love and stay strong lovelies! -Bri **


	19. Chapter 20

Jesus and Taylor soon after getting the call from Callie went home early. Taylor going to lock herself in her room, Jesus going outside to use the punching bag that was in the garage. Taylor had barely stopped crying since a few hours ago when she had talked to Callie, blaming herself for not seeing how bad her sister was when she was supposed to be helping her. Taylor started to get so worked up that she started shaking and couldn't stop, she started throwing things around her room, hoping that would help. After completely destroying her room Taylor still felt awful and went to the one thing she knew could make her feel better. Flipping open to the page she had her razor tucked into, she pulled it out and then found the first aid kit that was hidden under her bed.

Without a second thought, Taylor sliced her skin a couple of times, and then a few more, until her arm was dripping with blood and she heard Jesus opening the back door, she quickly ripped open a package of gauze and some medical tape and wrapped up her arm.

"Hey." Jesus whispered laying down on Taylor's bedroom floor.

"Your hand's bleeding." Taylor whispered worried seeing Jesus' knuckles all cut, "What did you do?"

"Punched a tree." Jesus stated simply, as if it wasn't a big deal, Taylor decided not to push the issue because Taylor too was bleeding, and didn't want Jesus to realize that.

Both sat in silence, sniffling mostly filled the room, Taylor finally curled up in a ball and hugged the pillow, "I didn't know she was that bad."

Jesus shrugged, "Me neither."

"She would have never told us," Taylor started crying again, "She's a pain in the ass like that sometimes, god I love her. But she's such a pain in the ass."

"You are too." Jesus hugged his sister, "You both are, you're both so busy helping eachother and us that you're always hurting and hiding your own cuts and shit. And I'm just so pissed off at anyone who hurts you guys, and the fact that this world is so fucked up that people are allowed to get away with doing awful things to you."

"I'm worried about her too." Taylor whispered blinking away a tear.

"Yeah, get some sleep okay Tay?" Jesus tried to smile as he stood up to go to his room, it was almost four in the morning, the two had just sat in a silence quietly upset about everything that had happened in the last couple of days.

"How are we going to deal with Luke?" Taylor whispered as Jesus stood in the doorway.

"We'll do it tonight, go to bed you have work in a couple of hours." Jesus replied, not knowing how he would tell his friend that his sister was away and no one knew when she would be back."I love you Tay."

Taylor was surprised, she knew Jesus cared for her, but he wasn't one to say it a lot, "Love you too. I'll see you tomorrow after work."

Taylor managed to fall asleep after Jesus had left, and woke up a little over three hours later, she couldn't afford to miss a day of work, so she got up and drove herself over. On the way over, Taylor found herself going a bit faster than she normally did, and didn't realize how badly she had been wanting to just speed straight ahead into a tree. Freaking herself out, she pulled over for a minute and wiped away a few tears before getting back on the road and trying to force herself to pay attention.

When she got into work, the first thing her boss said to her was asking if she was alright, Taylor managed to smile and pretend that the last two days hadn't happened, claiming she was just really tired. She managed to make it through half of her shift before taking lunch and calling Jesus.

"Hey." She whispered into the phone.

"How's work?" Jesus replied, knowing how hard it must be for Taylor to be there right now.

"Well if one more person yells at me because we don't have a fucking shirt or something they want I'm just gonna tell them off, because I don't need to deal with their shit today." She said, only half joking.

"Luke's coming over tonight, and everyone else will be out. So I was thinking sledge hammer to some of the extra wood that's above the garage?" Jesus could tell how awful his sister felt.

"Sounds like a plan, I'll pick up some soda and candy on my way home." Taylor quickly said before hanging up the phone,her lunch already over and she had a few more hours of work. She had somehow made it through the day without breaking down. When she got home, Luke and Jesus were already there waiting for her before they went outside.

"Hey." Taylor whispered looking at Luke, she could see how scared he was, he had bags under his eyes, looking like he hadn't slept much the night before, he held himself differently, like something had defeated him.

"Hey. She called me last night. What's going on?" Luke asked, clearly concerned about his girlfriend.

"I don't know much." Taylor sighed sitting down on the cold ground, "Or anything really."

"Okay." Luke said, not really understanding what else he could say, "I'm worried."

"I know." Taylor shrugged, "Can we go break things now?"

"Gladly." Jesus said opening the door to go outside.

The three walked in silence to the barn in the backyard, nobody knowing what to say in this situation, none wanting to admit they were blaming themselves for what had happened to Callie.

Jesus laughed at his younger sister struggling with the weight of hammer, "Need some help?"

"No." Taylor whispered harshly, She could handle this, if Callie could handle all the awful things she dealt with than Taylor knew she had to be able to hand anything, and if she couldn't hold something physically heavy, how could she expect to hold the weight of emotional baggage. She swung a few more times at the wood, finally breaking it. Taylor didn't feel much better so she decided to hand off the hammer to Luke and sat down.

Luke took a few soft hits, not breaking anything.

"Wow, you're lame." Taylor joked, "You really can't break a piece of wood? Pretend it's everyone who's hurt Callie. Ever." She whispered, as soon as the words escaped Taylor's lips she flinched as wood shattered leaving only a tiny piece not on the floor.

"Wow," Luke laughed, "That actually helped."

Taylor couldn't help but giggle, "Yeah it does."

Jesus, Taylor and Luke all went inside and finally got each other to laugh while the three were playing video games, when the phone rang and they saw a text from Callie. "It's her." Taylor whispered.

"Hey I'm okay, I'm just here to work on things, but I'm okay. Don't worry about me, I love you guys and I'll see you as soon as I get out. I have to go now, Taylor, take care of them for me." Taylor read quietly outloud.

Taylor then excused herself after dropping her phone, and she quickly left the room, almost running out the front door. She couldn't seem to breath, something about the whole situation with Callie made Taylor feel completely out of control. She wanted nothing more than to hurt herself again but seeing her brother's face just moments ago when he say Taylor's fresh cuts, she knew she needed to deal with this before she ended up the same way as Callie.

"Tay?" She heard Luke whisper from behind her back.

"Sorry." Taylor muttered while blinking away tears, "I'm coming right back in, just needed some cold air."

"Taylor." Luke whispered again and when Taylor turned around he was wrapping her in a hug, "Its okay, you can cry."

"No. No I can't." Taylor tried to fight back sobs, "Callie's the strong one for all of us. Now I have to be. Callie told me to take care of you guys when she called. She called ME, because she knew I had to be the strong one. I can't fail her. She went away because I couldn't help her, I can't fail her again."

"Do you think that's true?" Luke asked, staring straight at Taylor, "Callie would never expected you to stuff your feelings to take care of us. She would kill you if she had just heard you. All she ever talks about is how she wants you to get better."

Jesus soon joined the two outside and the two boys managed to get Taylor inside and warmed up, she was still out of it and the two could tell. The next few days went by in a blur for the teenagers, Taylor refused to go to school and stayed in bed for two days without getting up to eat or checking her phone at all. After two days, Lena became worried and went home early from school to check in on Taylor.

"Love?" She asked quietly knocking on the door. She could hear music but no other noises and her mind went to the worst possible place, she rushed into the room to see Taylor laying in bed shaking while crying into her sister's pillow. "Oh love come here."

"I'm fine." Taylor whispered, still staring at the wall. "I'm fine." She whispered again as a shiver went through her body.

"Love, I know this is hard, but it's been a few days, you need to talk if you're still feeling this upset." Lena said as she sat on her daughter's bed and pulled a blanket over her.

"I read the letter." Taylor whispered, "She wrote me a letter for new year's, saying how proud she was of me for staying clean for so long, and how this year was going to be so much better. And it was all shit. Look at this year, it's not better, she's worse. And she made me a playlist, all these songs I hinted that I loved over the year, she got every hint and I didn't even notice she was hurting." Taylor was hysterically sobbing by the time she was finished explaining what was wrong to her mom.

Lena sat in the room letting Taylor cry into her shoulder until she finally fell asleep, Lena left the room, pausing the playlist Taylor had been listening to, hoping it would help her daughter get a better rest than she had in the last few nights. On the third day back to school after vacation Taylor finally went back to school, and made it through a couple of days with only a few breakdowns.

On Friday, over a week since she had last talked to Callie,Taylor and her siblings were heading to an awards ceremony where Taylor was supposed to get three first place awards for karate and she should have been really excited but the silence in the car because Callie still wasn't home was killing the mood. When the family finally got to the hotel where they were staying, Jesus and Brandon took Taylor and a few kids she did karate with down to the game room to play pool and the hope was to get Taylor's mind off Callie. Taylor's phone rang and she ran over to the table it was sitting on to see who it was, something she had been doing all week.

"Well of course I would be here tonight." Callie texted Taylor.

"Wait!" Taylor screamed before Brandon shushed her, "Callie's home? Callie got home in time to see me get it tomorrow night!?" She slapped her brothers who kept grinning, knowing that the plan was for Callie to come that night or the next day to see Taylor, but Callie wanted to surprise her and didn't tell Taylor.

Taylor instantly called Callie and was almost crying as the phone rang, as soon as Callie picked up, before Callie could say anything and screamed into the phone, "Where are you?"

"Hey beautiful." Callie replied.

"Where are you?" Taylor asked again, already running up the stairs towards the family's rooms.

"Pool." Callie laughed.

Taylor hung up and ran back down the stairs and into the pool area, looking around and seeing Callie. She ran up and practically knocked Callie into the pool while hugging her. "I love you." Was the first thing Taylor managed to whisper to her sister before she started crying, "I love you." She whispered again.

"I love you too. I missed you." Callie smiled.

Taylor pulled away from the hug and looked at her sister, she had a couple of bandages on her wrist but otherwise looked okay considering she had been away all week. "I can't believe your home. And you made it."

Callie laughed and hugged her sister again, "I wouldn't miss you getting this award for anything, you worked your ass off for this."

Taylor smiled before hugging her sister again, "I love you." She whispered again.

**Author's note:**

**Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in a really long time, but a lot has happened, don't worry I'll write it all soon. Anyways, my friend came back and thank god she's okay. She seemed a lot better for a while, now I'm starting to worry but I'm just so glad she's back. And I actually became really good with her boyfriend after everything (Luke) so it wasn't an all bad experience, however I am so thankful she's back and she's okay. Anyways, stay strong and stay safe lovelies. New update soon! -Bri**


	20. Chapter 21

A couple of weeks had passed, everyone still off slightly in their own thoughts most of the time but the entire family was glad to have Callie home. A few days until midterms meant all the kids were sitting in their rooms studying late every night.

"Hi love" Lena smiled knocking quietly on Taylor's door, "Can I come in?"

"Sure." Taylor whispered looking up from her notes, pulling her oversized sweater sleeves over her wrists.

"Studying?" Lena asked sitting down.

"Mhm." Taylo shrugged trying to figure out why her mom was acting so strange, "Did I do something wrong?"

"Oh no, love of course not." Lena replied quickly, "I just wanted to check on how you were doing, I know you tend to stress out about tests."

Taylor laughed harshly, "You think?" She picked up her binder covered in post it notes, highlighted sections of notes, and a master notecard. "Sorry." She whispered seeing Lena's expression.

"I understand. It's okay." Lena whispered reaching for her daughter's hand. "Why don't you go to bed, I'm pretty sure you know this backwards. You're not going to be able to remember anything if you don't get to sleep."

Taylor slowly shook her head no, trying to keep her eyes open, "It's only like eleven thirty, I'm fine."

"That's how I know you're not." Lena whispered, "When you say you're fine."

"I'm going to fail. There's nothing I can do about that." Taylor shrugged, "I mean, I don't know this shit." Taylor rolled her eyes at the fact she swore, "Sorry."

Knowing she wasn't going to win this battle, Taylor was going to study for a few more hours no matter what her mother said, Lena stood up and left the rooming, going downstairs she put some water on to boil. After a few minutes she went back to her daughter's room with two cups of tea, "What class are we studying for?"

"What?" Taylor asked confused, but gratefully taking the cup of tea.

"If you're going to be up all night studying because you don't know any of it, I'm going to help you, what class are we studying for?" Lena smiled seeing the relief flood her daughter's face.

"Economics. It's such a dumb class, and I haven't scored higher than a 75 on any of the tests in that class." Taylor sighed before sitting down and taking a sip of her tea.

"Well for this one you will then." Lena promised taking the binder from her daughter and begining to quiz her over the material, the two continued to go through every piece of information until Taylor finally fell asleep sometime between two and three in the morning, but not before whispering how much she loved Lena.

Taylor woke up the next morning feeling sick to her stomach, she was still so anxious for her test, afraid she was going to screw it up and fail. "Momma. I can't do this. I'm not going to get an eighty or higher like we said last night."

"Yes you are love, I promised you last night we would study until you're ready." Lena held Taylor in a hug, "You are ready." She whispered kissing her daughter's forehead.

Taylor managed to make it through her entire midterm without freaking out about not knowing the answers, she was so happy she instantly ran down to her mother's office to tell her. "Momma! Momma! I knew it! I think I did it."

Lena smiled seeing her daughter so relieved, she knew it would be short lived though, Taylor would go home and start studying for her next test and start stressing out all over again, but for now she was glad that Taylor was happy. "I knew you would sweetheart."

Taylor left the school early because she only had one exam that day and went to the local park by the ocean to take some pictures since it was the first nice day in a while. After a couple of hours, Taylor was taking a picture and noticed someone walking into the frame, her mother. Taylor looked up from the camera, after getting the shot.

"Momma? Is everything okay?" Taylor jumped up, worried that something had happened to Stef or one of her siblings.

"Yeah, everything's okay. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you," Lena quickly answered her daughter so that her daughter wouldn't panic, "I saw you posting photos online and thought I would come by since I didn't have anything going on. Is that okay?"

Taylor was still confused, her moms had never really just watched her take photos, she was always alone at the park but she nodded her head yes. "I'm just trying to get some nice photos before I have to go study some more, if you wanted I could show you some of the ones I've already taken."

Taylor was showing her mom a few of her favorite photos she had already taken today and then turned the camera around to take a picture of her mom, Lena tried hiding away from the camera causing Taylor to start giggling.

"Come here, how about your on the other side of the lens for once." Lena teased taking the camera from her daughter and trying to take a picture of her. While trying to get away while laughing Taylor's sleeve fell and she wasn't able to pull it back down before her mom noticed.

"Taylor, love." Lena whispered.

"I cut again. I'm really bad again." Taylor whispered. "I need help. I want help." She finally found the strength to admit.

**author's note: **

**sorry its been a while since the last update, anyways starting to catch up to the mess im dealing with now so less time between updates and longer chapters, yay! I'm gonna try and get at least one more chapter up before vacation is over so review and let me know what you think! it inspires me so much guys! lots of love to you all! -Bri **


	21. Chapter 22

"Hey Baby." Stef whispered walking into Taylor's room. After Taylor had told Lena she needed help, she shut down. Lena then brought her home, not sure how to react to Taylor's sudden breakdown. "Momma told me something. So, I thought I would come see if you were okay."

"Do I look okay?" Taylor whispered sitting up wrapped in her blanket, her eyes bloodshot red, her hair in a messy bun, mascara down the sides of her face. Taylor was visibly shaking and her voice was weak, it was clear she had been screaming and crying for a while. "I didn't mean to tell momma. I'm fine, I promise."

"I've never seen you breakdown. You were cutting for months and didn't say a thing, until it got really bad, even then you didn't break down like this." Stef whispered stepping into the room, moving closer to sit next to her daughter.

"Please don't send me away." Taylor whispered still shaking curling up into a ball so her mother could sit on the edge of the bed. "I don't want to be sent away like Callie was, please."

"Oh love, no." Stef whispered, tears starting to form in her eyes, "We won't send you away, Callie had other stuff going on."

"Please don't send me away. Mom please, I promise I'll never do it again. I promise I'll be happy." Taylor kept shaking and sobbing.

"Taylor." Stef said forcefully, "Look at me. You don't have to pretend anything, I'm not sending you away. Just talk to me, you seemed happy, this was so sudden."

"Okay." Taylor nodded slowly and tried to calm her breathing, it appeared as if she really did believe Stef that she wasn't going to be sent away. "I um, I just...things were good, like really great actually and then about a month ago they just weren't good anymore. And I started cutting again."

"Okay..." Stef replied slowly, she wasn't entirely sure how to approach the situation. "What made things not good anymore?"

"I don't know," Taylor whispered truthfully, "Things were just going really good, you know, I got my job, passed my driving test, had pretty great grades for a little while, was even becoming "popular" among my friends and then I just didn't want to get out of bed anymore, my grades started slipping, work started being more a chore than fun, and my friends stop calling as much. I wanted to die, I want to die. So I cut instead. And things just got bad. I'm so sorry."

"Love no, why are you sorry." Stef whispered trying to keep her own breathing under control, seeing her baby like this was killing her and she wasn't able to keep her emotions controlled and tears streamed down her face.

"I'm sorry," Taylor tried to take a shaky breath, it was more of a gasp of air and then a sob, "I'm sorry that I'm such a screw up. I didn't mean to disappoint you and momma. I'm sorry I'm such a freak mom. I'm so sorry."

"Look at me love," Stef waited for Taylor to make eye contact with her, "You did not disappoint us. You are not a freak. Don't believe that okay? You're not a screw up, you did not disappoint us."

Taylor nodded, not fully believing it but knowing better than to fight with her mother. "I'm sorry mom."

"Come here." Stef moved closer on the bed to her daughter, "Love, please give me a hug?"

Taylor slowly sat down next to Stef putting her face into her mother's shoulder while completely going silent, tears slowly wetting Stef's shirt. Stef held her daughter tightly, trying to keep the teenage girl from shaking, while slowly rubbing circles on her back and kissing the top of her head. It killed Stef to see her daughter finally fall apart, it seemed sudden to her but it also made a lot of sense that eventually all the pressure would crack Taylor.

"Go to bed love," Stef whispered after sitting in the room and holding her daughter for a bit longer, "Don't you have exams tomorrow?"

Taylor wiped her nose on her sleeve, and nodded. "Is it okay if I don't study for this one?" She asked knowing even if she did study it would only be a waste of time, Taylor wasn't going to be able to concentrate.

"Of course." Stef mumbled, not sure that she should let Taylor's grades slip more but decided that wasn't the most important issue right now.

"Is momma okay?" Taylor whispered as she went to curl up at the foot of her bed, "Is that why she didn't come to talk to me?"

"Love, what do you mean?" Stef asked confused, not sure what reason Taylor was thinking of.

"She didn't come up here because I already freaked her out when she saw the cuts at the park. And when I said I needed help. Is that why? Because I already freaked her out so she stayed away?" Taylor whispered it, she hated admitting that these were thoughts constantly going through her head.

"No. Love..." Stef started, but was cut off by a voice at the door.

"Love, you didn't freak me out, I didn't want you to feel ambushed so we decided Stef would come up. I'm sorry you thought that, I'm here now. Don't ever think anything you can do will make it so I'm not here for you." Lena sadly smiled watching her daughter stand up and practically run into her mothers arms.

"Momma. I'm sorry." Taylor whispered.

"You shouldn't be." Lena whispered in reply as she hugged her daughter tightly. "We'll get you help okay?"

Taylor fell asleep a few hours later, her moms checking in every couple of minutes on her. A few days after finals Stef took Taylor to her first therapy session. After the second session, Taylor's therapist had suggested Taylor take pills for her depression and anxiety but Taylor refused. After a few more sessions, Taylor finally admitted to her moms that she didn't think her therapist was helping very much which created a huge conflict in views. Two sessions later and Taylor came home to tell her moms that the therapist said she was cleared enough to stop going to sessions. Stef disagreed with the opinion and sent Taylor to two more sessions, neither of which the therapist showed up to. After Stef realized Taylor hadn't cut in over three and a half months she stopped worrying quite as much about the sessions. Taylor had begun to get her depression and anxiety under control on her own with the help of her family without the "help" of a professional she thought she needed.

**Author's note: hey guys, sorry it's taken so long for an update. Work and school has been crazy busy and I had to take a mental break from everything so that delayed this a little. I'm okay now though :) anyways, sorry for the sudden ending, I started writing this earlier in the month and wanted to start a new chapter with more recent ideas now. Anyways, despite the shortness and sudden ending I hope you enjoy! Thanks! Lots of Love! -Bri **


	22. Chapter 23

"Have a good day." Taylor smiled as the customer walked off thanking her. She smile instantly fell as she saw the man down the aisle. She slowly backed up until she ran into the other side of the register and knocked over a pile of clothing. Taylor's legs instantly went numb and she realized she was shaking, slowly she crossed her arms over her stomach and clenched her hands in fists to try and hide the visible shaking. She was carefully keeping her eyes on the man who was only a few feet from her register, when the closing manager came over to her.

"Do you need any change for the rest of the night." The manager asked quickly looking around the register to make sure there wasn't anything that needed to be done before closing.

Taylor nodded, still shaking and trying to hide the full blown panic attack from the manager, it didn't help that this was the manager that Taylor was most afraid of and that some of the her coworkers had warned her was a bitch.

"Are you okay?" Taylor's manager asked quietly when Taylor shaking, handed her a bag for change.

Taylor shook her head yes, never taking her eyes off from the man just down the aisle. Her chest quickly going up and down, Taylor not talking because she was trying not to gasp for air.

"Taylor. Don't lie to me. Are you okay?" The manager tried again, her tough exterior softening slightly, surprising Taylor.

Taylor whispered while taking a gasp for air, "I'm fine."

The manager looked at the teenage girl in front of her once more, "What is it? Are you cold? Why are you shaking?"

"Anxiety." Taylor finally admitted, not wanting to fight anymore about the issue with her manager. She quickly blinked trying to get rid of the tears in her eyes.

"Oh. sweetheart, are you okay?" The manager whispered looking around, putting her hand out as if she were going to place it on Taylor's arm but seeing tears in the teenage girls eyes she decided against it. Taylor had never seen this manager be this soft spoken with anyone, she was normally the no nonsense and tough love type,which is what got her the reputation of being a intimidating bitch.

Taylor nodded slowly and then started gasping for air again when she realized she could no longer see the man she had been watching. Taylor was panicking that she only had taken her eyes off him for a moment to look at her manager and he disappeared.

"Hey." The manager whispered softly, the gentle voice surprising but soothing to Taylor, "You're gonna be okay. It's okay. Do you need a break? Go take a break honey, I'll stay here and you can come back when you're ready. It's okay." She whispered the last part smiling softly at Taylor.

Taylor shook her head quickly, and took a quick breath so that should would be able to talk, "I'm okay really, I don't need a break." The minute she said it, Taylor regretted not taking the chance to get away.

"Okay, I'm going to go get you change and I'll be right back alright sweetheart. I promise I'll be right back if you need me." The manager whispered.

Taylor nodded slowly, "I'm okay now." She whispered but met the managers stare and knew she wasn't convincing her, "Thank you Colleen."

Colleen nodded smiling and slowly walked through the back room towards the office. Taylor noticed that Colleen was scanning the store, looking for whoever had set of Taylor's anxiety. As soon as the manager left Taylor allowed herself to release all the tension in her muscles and she continued to shake, still very visibly. She hadn't seen him since the police station, she had nightmares occasionally about it but she was over it. She had been six when he assaulted her, she had worked through it in the last ten years, or she thought so until she saw him.

Taylor stood behind her cash register with no customers around shaking until Colleen came back just a few minutes later, "Sweetheart, go take a break." She whispered softly watching Taylor drop something trying to put it away because of her shaking.

Taylor nodded gratefully in response, but quickly looked around to make sure she wouldn't run into him.

Colleen looked around too, "Here wait a minute before you go." She turned to pick up the phone and dialed another number for someone in the store, "Yeah, can you come down here, I'm going to take Taylor in the back to help me clean up for tomorrow. Thanks." She hung up the phone and looked at Taylor, "Let's go honey, another cashier is coming down, I'll walk you out back."

"I'm fine." Taylor whispered in protest to being escorted to the back, but she was physically weak from the panic attack and could barely make the words audible.

Colleen ignored the soft words and continued to lead Taylor towards one of the back rooms. She pointed to a chair and Taylor, without fighting sat down. "What happened?" Colleen went back to her no nonsense self.

"Anxiety." Taylor whispered again still physically shaking.

"Hey sweetheart, it's okay. I have it too." Colleen smiled sadly when Taylor's head snapped up to make eye contact, "I know what it's like honey."

Taylor sighed out of relief, she was suddenly a lot less on edge being around Colleen. "Thank you." She whispered trying not to make eye contact again because of the tears in her eyes.

Colleen smiled and nodded, "Why don't you go out and clean the floor, that way if you need you can walk off and not be stuck behind the register."

Taylor smiled and nodded thankfully, she was still spooked for the rest of the night and was constantly worrying about seeing the man again, but she managed to make it until the store closed and at the end of the night went in to thank Colleen again. Colleen smiled and reminded Taylor she had nothing to thank her for. Taylor made it home that night without saying anything to her moms about the interaction and hoping that she would never see the man again, after some trouble falling asleep, Taylor managed to fall asleep and get a few hours of rest before returning to work the next morning.

**Author's note:**

**Hey lovelies! How is everyone? First official day of summer vacation today, which means a lot more writing time thankfully! Here is a little chapter about a scenario I had at work where I saw the man who sexually assaulted me when I was younger and this amazing manager of mine noticed and helped me through it. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I'm working on a new one know, as school ended a lot happened so I have a ton of inspiration! Thanks a ton and please, review favorite and follow! Lots of love! -Bri. **


	23. Chapter 24

"I'm so in love with you, you don't get it. I don't want to be your friend, I want to love you, and kiss you and hold your hand. I want you." Abby whispered harshly to Taylor.

Taylor was stunned but her stomach fluttered. She mumbled slightly, not even entirely sure what she said. Abby was one of Taylor's best friends, and the two had always been close but Taylor never imagined Abby liking her. "I know." She finally whispered, "I'm not as dumb as I act, I love you to, it's just..."

"You don't want to screw things up." Abby said her eyes falling to the ground.

"Yeah." Taylor shrugged. "No. Well yes. But no. I just..." She stammered trying to get her thoughts together. "I want you. And I want to be yours. I just don't want to lose the girl who is my best friend, the most important person in my life..."

"Taylor!" Stef's voice cut off the two girls who were standing in the parking lot talking. "Hi Abby, do you need a ride home sweetheart?" Stef asked looking between the two girls.

Abby smiled softly and shook her head no, "No, thanks."

Stef paused a moment and gave a questioning look to both girls, "Ready to go home babe? Momma has dinner cooking."

Taylor nodded at her mom, without breaking eye contact with Abby. "I'll text you." She continued to maintain eye contact until she finally go in the car and instantly pulled out her phone.

"Woah, wait a minute. You just stepped away." Stef interrupted Taylor's lightning fast texting fingers. "What is so important that you already need to text her."

"Nothing." Taylor snapped, "Sorry mom, it's just teenage stuff, and she's my best friend so I need to talk to her about it."

Stef rolled her eyes but nodded, "Alright, I get it, don't want to tell your old mom about it. Just remember I know some useful stuff I can give advice on."

"Mhhm" Taylor nodded absentmindedly, waiting for a reply to her message, confused by Abby's confession.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything about this" Abby replied quickly.

"No, I'm glad you did. I love you too Abby, I'm IN love with you too." Taylor replied slowly, realizing she never thought she would have to tell her best friend that she had been crushing on her for a while. "We'll figure this out. I promise. Okay? I promise we'll figure everything out. I love you too." Taylor sent the text without a thought, it seemed so obvious to her, she loved Abby and Abby loved Taylor, there wasn't much more they needed to worry about.

"Okay. I'll text you in a bit, I'm gonna go shower." Abby replied after a few minutes.

Taylor nodded at the phone, and then stopped herself realizing it was a text and not an in person conversation, "I love you." She replied quickly, and she wholeheartedly meant it.

"So what's going to come of this?" Taylor sent the first message after she had gone out and laid down on her front yard to think for a little while.

"We shouldn't be together until we are both better." Abby replied.

"I am better." Taylor tried to protest, "I'm getting better, in just a few days is four months clean. I am getting better, but yes I agree, we both need to be."

"So we be in love with each other, but we don't do anything about it." Abby replied quickly, "For now?"

"Yes," Taylor replied slowly, deleting and then writing the word again, she had been denying her feelings for her best friend for months, not wanting to make things awkward between them and now it was killing her to be doing it again. "For now."

The two girls spent a few days being awkward around one another before things began to feel slightly normal, though things didn't go back to the way they were before. Taylor and Abby were a little more flirty with each other, while still trying to keep it discreet. After a few weeks, Taylor and Abby finally had a real conversation about what kind of relationship they wanted, both girls agreed that they wanted to be adults and married with a family and not a teenage relationship that would get awkward in a few months so they tried to not get into a relationship right off. Taylor was struggling with this factor, having never been kissed, and only having one other girlfriend, she really wanted a lame teenage relationship with the first kiss and movie like romance, she slowly began to become convinced that Abby wasn't actually in love with her until she started pushing Abby away and spending more time throwing herself into her jobs.

**Author's Note: **

**Quick little chapter here, don't worry I'll go into more detail with Abby and Taylor (as soon as my life with my hopefully soon to be girlfriend and I go into more detail ;P. Anyway, please review, I'm getting a few more ideas and have some really exciting news tomorrow to write a chapter about so I will start that now! I hope everyone is doing well, I love reading your reviews so leave me some please? :) Lots of Love! xoxo -Bri. **


	24. Chapter 25

Once school came to an end, Taylor was very proud of herself, she had managed to finish the year out with her final quarter grades and all the grades on her final exams were honor roll grades, she had just passed the four month clean mark, the longest she had ever gone, her best friend was in love with her, for Taylor life had been going pretty good. As summer began in full swing, Taylor decided to put in more time into her two jobs, spending more time working to get extra money and also trying to help teach the kids at her karate school as much as possible, both jobs were good distractions from everything that had been going on.

She was standing at work one day when Colleen walked over to the register, "Hello sweetheart, are you closing with me tonight?"

Taylor smiled and shook her head yes, barely making eye contact with the manager, still ashamed of the panic attack. Colleen smiled and tried to get Taylor to make eye contact, "Since there's three cashiers do you want to come help me with a project out on the floor."

Taylor looked up quickly and smiled shaking her head, "Yes please." Taylor didn't do well just standing around when it was slow and normally just ended up pacing in circles near the register so she was grateful for something to do.

The two were folding some clothes and putting them away when Colleen finally broke, the surprisingly comfortable silence, "So how have you been?"

"I'm well, thank you. You?" Taylor asked quietly, and slightly confused.

"I'm well, thanks." Colleen replied, watching Taylor, "Are you happy school is over?"

Taylor snorted, "You have no idea."

Colleen smiled, "Good because I was about to join Justin and the others that wanted to go into your school and be your bodyguard for a few days, especially after Justin told me that he found out the name of the girl who gave you the last bruise."

Taylor just laughed and kept folding clothes, Colleen left to go to dinner and left Taylor to finish the project after the silence between the two became awkward. Finally Justin, one of the people who helped out on the floor and was in Taylor's school came over, "So, I was sent over to see if you needed more stuff to put away, and to tell you to join our team." He joked.

Taylor and Justin went to the same school and had become friends because of working together, since Taylor had started being a cashier, Justin had been telling her to switch teams and come help on the floor since that's what she did most of the time anyways. Taylor rolled her eyes and laughed at the comment for the hundredth time but wished she had the guts to ask Colleen if she would want Taylor on the team. Taylor and Justin finished the stack they had in front of them as Colleen brought out something new she wanted to teach Taylor how to do.

The night went on a for a bit longer, with Taylor laughing at Colleen's jokes and becoming more and more comfortable with her. Finally Taylor started laughing really loudly at one of the jokes Colleen made and started looking around scared, "I'm so sorry. That was loud." Taylor whispered to Colleen.

Colleen smiled, "I think that's the loudest I've ever heard you. It's okay."

The night went on with Taylor leaving the store loving her job even more than before her shift, she noticed that happening more and more lately, realizing how much she loved her job every time she was there or she left.

Once Taylor got home, Stef and Lena were in the kitchen waiting for her, sitting at the table with the leftover dinner in front of them. Stef was the first to greet Taylor, "Hello love. How was your day?"

Taylor smiled, she loved working on the floor at work, "It was great! They had me work with Justin's team again! It was fun."

Lena smiled at her daughter's excitement, very few teenagers enjoyed their job as much as Taylor did hers, especially working retail, "We actually wanted to talk to you about work. Come have a seat, eat some dinner while we talk."

Taylor's smile slowly fell, "Why? What about my work..." She trailed off.

Stef looked down at the rim of her coffee mug and then back to her daughter, "We think you should put in your two weeks notice soon, with school coming up and everything you dealt with last year while working, we didn't want you to overload yourself."

Lena jumped in before Taylor could reply, "Especially taking college courses after school so that you can graduate a year early, and with regular school and teaching the kids at karate. You already have a very full plate."

"But I love my job." Taylor simply stated looking down at the green beans she was pushing around her dinner plate.

"You can continue working until school starts, and then next summer work again until college." Stef explained.

"But I like my job. The one I have right now." Taylor repeated as an argument. "And I worked all year last school year."

"Right," Stef said slowly, "And you were very stressed and..." She paused.

Lena glared at her wife for taking the conversation in that direction, "You had a rough year last year. This year is gonna be even busier with school, and we don't want you to have another rough year."

Taylor laughed harshly, "You don't want me to cut again and you think I can't handle having a job and school stress without cutting." She rolled her eyes and stood up to leave, "You know what. Normal teenagers have jobs and do school just fine, just because you found out how bad my cutting was last year doesn't mean I'm not a normal teenager. I want to do normal teenager things!"

"Love, please sit down." Lena whispered, trying to calm her daughter down. "We aren't forcing you to quit, we were simply suggesting an option."

"And, it has nothing to do with your self harm and depression issues. Or even your anxiety." Stef stated slightly offended that was her daughter's first assumption, "We would do this for any of you kids who were doing two jobs and two years of school in one."

Taylor nodded, trying to fight back the tears in her eyes, knowing the real reason for that outburst was because that's what she thought of herself. "I really want to keep my job. I really love my job. And it makes me happy."

"Then do what you want love." Lena hugged her daughter while whispering to her gently.

"I'm sorry." Taylor whispered while hugging her moms, "I didn't mean to get defensive. I just don't want to quit."

Taylor went up to her room where she tried to figure out what she was going to do next year, her moms did have a point, she would have a lot on her plate. All honor and AP classes in high school with no study halls, and then an extra two college classes after school and then two jobs, each of which required at least twelve hours a week worth of effort on her part, if not more, and she was going to be stressed because of the social aspect of school as it was. She continued to ponder the thought and couldn't help but think about the great night she had at work of working on the floor with Justin and Colleen. By the end of the night, Taylor could see the pro's and con's of both situations and couldn't make a decision. She rummaged through her drawers and found the cold piece of metal she knew as her tool, she never wanted to have to use it again, but she wondered if overloading herself would cause her to go back to it. She slowly tucked it back in it's book and under a pile of sweaters before turning the lights out and heading to bed for the night. Taylor had a difficult decision and didn't know if she would be able to pick a side.

**Author's note: **

**Hey everyone! Just came back from a camping trip and have a few more days off before I head back to work so yay for writing! Leave a review and let me know what you want to see, I'll try to write it in except I already have an idea for the next chapter so it might be a few chapters before you see your suggestions! **

**Okay and now for advice time! This situation Taylor is dealing with is based on me, I currently work two jobs, both I absolutely love! But like Taylor in this chapter, I will be taking a full classload for my third year of highschool plus at least two extra classes at a local community college in order to graduate in May! (Yes I'm so excited for early graduation!) So my parents suggested leaving one of my jobs so that I would have at least one day a week I wouldn't have anything going on. You see, between school and my two jobs Monday-Friday I'll have school and then my college courses and one job I will have to work Monday, Wendsdays, Thursdays, some Fridays and every other Saturday. Which means if I keep my retail job I will be working Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays and Fridays I'm not at my other job. And my family and I are worried it might be too stressful so I'm looking for more opinions, hopefully opinions that aren't biased. So thoughts? Should I quit my job and only have one job and then school? Think I would be able to handle it? Any advice is welcome! **

**Okay super long author's note, thanks if you read it all and left me some advice! As always, read, review, favorite and most of all enjoy! Lots of Love and Stay Strong! -Bri **


	25. Chapter 26

"Guess what." Taylor whispered into the phone looking at the clock. 12:01 am.

"What beautiful?" Abby's gentle and quiet voice answered through the phone.

"It's official. It's now 12:01 which means it's now Tuesday morning." Taylor choked on the words. "I've made it to six months clean."

"Taylor! Baby! You have no idea how proud of you I am." Abby was practically yelling into her phone.

"Thanks." Taylor whispered trying not to let the tears overflow. "Abby. I'm really happy right now."

"You made it half a fucking year! Of course you're happy!" Abby's voice filled with happiness, "Tay, I'm crying right now. I'm so proud of you. Look at you, you made it six months."

"Before this, I couldn't even make three. And now I've gone half a year without cutting!" Taylor began to be proud of herself, something she wasn't used to. "And it's been a hell of a hard half a year."

"I wish you were here right now so I could kiss you. Taylor, I'm crying I'm so very happy for you." Abby whispered into the phone.

"Well hey, if I get kissed for six months clean, I'll be over in just a minute." Taylor joked, still ecstatic about her newest mark clean.

"Are you going to tell your moms? Or Brandon?" Abby asked.

"Actually," Taylor paused, taking a moment to consider it, "I probably won't."

"What?" Abby was surprised, Taylor was extremely close with her moms, and even closer with her older brother Brandon, "Why not?"

"What if it's not for real this time?" Taylor whispered afraid, "You know how many times Brandon has celebrated one month with me to have me screw up and hurt myself again? A lot. He has enough going on right now with college stuff to deal with that."

"They would want to know." Abby reassured Taylor, "Stef and Brandon especially."

"I know." Taylor whispered trying to keep her eyes open, and trying to keep from yawning, "I just don't want to disappoint them again."

Abby smiled hearing Taylor yawn on the other end of the phone call, "Go to bed, Beautiful. We'll talk in the morning."

"Goodnight." Taylor yawned again, "I love you."

"I love you too." Abby paused, "And I'm so proud of you."

With those words, Taylor hung up the phone and rolled over to get some sleep, knowing that she had made it to six months clean, she was genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. As she woke up two days later in the morning, Taylor felt slight off, she couldn't tell what it was other than the fact that she did not want to stand up and get out of bed.

"Hey Tay!" Brandon greeted her as she walked into the living room.

"Hi?" Taylor responded, question in her voice. After walking around the room and feeling lost Taylor went to go find her moms. When she walked into their bedroom, Stef and Lena were in a heated argument, Taylor stood in the doorway for a minute as she watched Stef yell in frustration. "Moms?" She said softly, her voice wavering.

Stef turned around and snapped at Taylor, and instantly Taylor had tears streaming down her face. She didn't even understand what Stef had snapped and she knew that Stef wasn't actually mad at her but the crying was part of Taylor's "off" feeling she had woken up that morning with.

Lena rushed over to Taylor, worried by her daughter's reaction, "Taylor, love, what's wrong?"

"I'm sad." Taylor whispered.

Stef looked concerned, her anger now gone, "What do you mean you're sad?"

"I should be happy." Taylor whispered her reply again, "But I'm really sad."

"Love, just because you've been happy for a while doesn't mean you're never going to be sad again, you'll have sad days." Lena explained while walking her daughter towards the bed, slowly laying her down.

"Getting some rest might help you, sweetheart." Stef agreed rubbing circles in Taylor's back as she lay in her mom's bed.

"Okay." Taylor sighed defeated, it took a lot for her to admit she was sad to her moms, she didn't have the energy or the courage to admit, it wasn't a one day thing, that she had been feeling this way for over a week now. She didn't dare to admit that she had held her blade in her hand more than once. Taylor was trying to ask for help again by admitting she was sad, but her moms assumed it to be an off day, Taylor knew it was the beginning of crashing again.

**Author's note: **

**Thank you everyone for the great advice last chapter with my situation! I love hearing from you guys and especially someone who had done something similar as a student! It helped me get another perspective on the problem! Anyway, again a chapter based on me, I made it six months clean a few weeks ago, the longest I had ever gone before this was just under three months so I was excited. However, I'm beginning to notice my symptoms of depression more, so for the followers who wanted to see Taylor deal with the depression and self harm issues again, don't worry, depression doesn't quit that easily. Well thanks and read review favorite follow, and as always enjoy! Lots of Love! -Bri **


	26. Chapter 27

"Everybody up! It's camping time!" Stef's voice rang across the empty house, all the teenagers still in bed, trying to enjoy being able to sleep in for the last few days of summer vacation. "Come on guys, we've got to leave in twenty minutes!"

Taylor was the first of the kids to roll out of her bed and finally make her way down stairs, "Hi mom." She mumbled rubbing at her eyes and pulling her sweatshirt sleeves down over her ice cold hands.

"Are you ready for camping love?" Stef asked smiling at her youngest daughter all bundled up at the end of August.

"Um," Taylor stuttered a little, "Not really. I don't really want to go anymore..." She mumbled the last part. The family camping trip had been Taylor's idea as a graduation party for Brandon since he would be leaving in just over two weeks and she had been planning the trip for over a month now.

"What do you mean you don't want to go anymore? Momma and I already put a lot of money into this, and we already are supposed to be up there in just over an hour and a half." Stef asked slightly annoyed with her daughter not appreciating what everyone had put into planning this trip.

"I don't know." Taylor admitted pulling at her sweatshirt sleeves again, "I'm just cold, and tired and I feel kinda drained and empty. I just am a bit tired to go is all. I'm sorry mom."

Before Stef could get a chance to reply Brandon and Jesus came down the stairs carrying a bunch of camping supplies to go in the car and Taylor slipped away up the stairs. Stef told Lena about what had just happened with their daughter, trying to decide if they should worry. The two decided to send Lena up to talk to Taylor to check in.

"Goodmorning love." Lena greeted her daughter who was facing the door but had her eyes closed, "I know you're awake, Mom already told me you said you didn't want to go camping."

Taylor sighed heavily as she slowly opened her eyes, "Good Morning Momma." She waited for Lena to say something before Taylor finally caved and decided to talk first, "Are you mad at me for saying I don't want to go camping anymore?"

"I'm not mad." Lena replied quickly and simply, her facial expression looking more concerned than angry.

"But...?" Taylor could infer from her mother's facial expression that there was something she wasn't being told.

"But," Lena sadly smiled as she made her way to the foot of her daughter's bed and lingered a moment before softly sitting down and putting Taylor's feet in her lap. "You were excited for this camping trip less three days ago, and now suddenly you don't want to go? I'm just worried that something else is going on."

"No." Taylor replied quickly. She recovered almost as quickly as she had originally answered, "Sorry. I just meant no, that's not what is going on. I'm not cutting again or anything."

"Then what is going on, why don't you want to go?" Lena asked relieved that her daughter wasn't trying to stay home in order to hide scars from her family.

"If we go then it's real." Taylor whispered, her cheeks turning bright red because of her embarrassment.

"What is love?" Lena asked, her forehead furrowing in confusion to her daughter's statement.

"It's real that Brandon is leaving. And if Brandon leaves, what if Stef does. Then I won't have either of them, and I really need them both. What if Stef starts working more once her son is gone, or we get to busy that I can't call Brandon everynight like he promised he would. That's all real if we go camping for his graduation." Taylor whispered continually talking and getting more worked up with every word.

Lena didn't even try to verbally reason with her daughter right off seeing the evident fear in her eyes, Taylor had convinced herself that Brandon going to college meant that she would lose her brother and her mother, at the same time and forever. Lena wrapped her arms around Taylor's shaking and heavily breathing body, "Love, listen to me." She cooed trying to get Taylor to lift her head and stop being embarrassed by her fears, "Please love. Really listen. I know you're scared, you and Brandon are incredibly close, and he loves you more than you know. And yes Stef loves Brandon a ton, and yes he is her biological son but you are her daughter too. And she loves you just as much as she loves Brandon. Mom is still gonna be around for the rest of our children even if one goes off to college. I promise you that."

Taylor shook her head slowly, Lena was unable to tell if it was in belief or not so she decided to continue soothing her distraught teenage daughter, "Love, I think you should go. It's real either way. Brandon will be gone in two weeks off in college. You'll be back at school. Personally I think you should go. You're gonna regret it if you don't spend one last weekend with your brother and friends."

"Yeah. You're right." Taylor whispered still a little stressed out about all the changes coming up in her life as summer was coming to an end. She slowly made her way downstairs after hugging Lena for a moment, lingering in her mother's arms. Before she made her way all the way down the stairs, "Are you sure you can't come momma? It's our last time all together until the holidays after this weekend."

"I know love." Lena sighed, she had to work to prepare for school starting back up and Lena had planned on letting Stef take the kids camping for the weekend but was now realizing that she should have fought harder to have a few days off to go with her family.

"It's okay momma. You'll just have to come next year when it's my early graduation party!" Taylor tried teasing to lighten the mood.

"Oh actually. That reminds me." Lena started walking into the kitchen. "I may have gotten an email from your school counselor..." She paused seeing her daughter's eyes widen in wonder and excitement. "You're graduating early love. The school board approved your plan and loved your letter."

"You didn't tell me that as soon as you found out!" Taylor shrieked out of joy while giggles escaped her smiling lips. "Momma! I'm graduating this year?"

"Yes love." Lena laughed along with her daughter. "Yes you are. As long as you can keep up on your work, when you come back from camping with Mom we're going in to talk to guidance about making sure your schedule is all set to graduate on time."

Taylor began to dance down the stairs and ran into the living room where the last of the camping supplies were being moved out from, "Mom! Mom! I'm graduating this year! I'm getting out of here!"

"Well jeez don't seem so happy to get away from me." Stef laughed while kissing her daughter on the forehead, it was actually killing her to be losing her baby girl one year earlier but knew it was what was best for Taylor's mental health.

A few hours later, and several teenager asleep later Stef pulled into one of the camping sites a little further back from the central part of the campsite, she looked down at her phone and smiled at the lack of cell service, the perfect scenario for her kids to have some fun face to face with each other.

Stef set up her own tent, one she and one of Taylor's and Brandon's friend's mom would be sharing on their campsite and sent Taylor and the boys to set up their own campsite and laughed when she walked over and saw what had been going on at the teenage campsite.

"Stop!" Taylor was shrieking as her older brother's were throwing things at each other and Jesus tried spraying her with a bottle of soda. Stef looked at each teenager on the campsite, three hers and the other two her kids friends but they were around enough that they were like her children and she realized how much she was going to miss seeing them all together.

"Come on guys it's gonna start raining before we get the tarp and tent set up, stop torturing Taylor." Trevor teased, he was one of the kids friends, about the same age as Taylor and the two were very close.

"Thank you! At least someone can be a gentleman." Taylor teased sticking her tongue out at Brandon and giggling.

"Why would we be, you're a lesbian, we don't need to impress you." Max laughed while belching sitting on the ground with a root beer in his hand. He was another one of the kids' friends, in between the age of Taylor and Brandon.

"Classy." Taylor rolled her eyes in annoyance, "At least I understand now why I have a friend and you don't."

"Shut up!" Max whined while putting down his soda and going to help Brandon, Jesus and Trevor with spreading out the tent. Taylor was still sitting in the center of the picnic table, "supervising". Finally Stef went back to her campsite beginning to get upset over the idea of her kids getting ready to leave for college and decided to spend a few minutes alone before all the kids finally got their tent set up and went over and saw her.

"Besides, you don't really have a girlfriend, she's got a boyfriend." Brandon laughed, he had been teasing his younger sister for weeks since he heard what had happened between Taylor and her best friend Abby.

"She just wants to see what screwing a girl is like. Then she's running right back to her boyfriend. You know that right?" Jesus looked at Taylor, he hated being harsh with the reality, and Abby was one of his best friends but his first concern was seeing his sister get heartbroken.

"No." Taylor whispered fiercely, "I know alright. Let me pretend she loves me like she claimed okay?"

"I just don't want to see you get hurt." Jesus whispered softly to his sister.

"Your brother is right, Abby is kinda known to move on from people quickly." Max warned, he never truly trusted Abby and the way she would date a guy and "be in love" and then move on to one of her next guy friends. He hated to admit it but he also was worried about his friend, Taylor getting hurt by this girl.

"Shut up!" Taylor was annoyed and didn't even bother hiding it, "Shut up alright. I know she's using me but I'm hopelessly in love with that girl okay!" She looked as if she was going to burst into tears right then but managed to turn around grab her phone and headphones of the table and walk off before the tears spilt down her cheeks. "I'm going for a walk mom!" She screamed out before putting her headphones in and turning her music as loud as it would go. Taylor knew that she shouldn't let what the boy say get to her but she had already been having a tough time and the idea of Abby not liking her when Taylor had fallen so helplessly in love after Abby confessed to loving her was killing her. It hurt even more that her brother's thought so little of her that she couldn't even protect herself from heartbreak.

Finally, Taylor gave up on walking around in the pouring rain and decided to head back to the campsite where she could change into some dry clothes and sit near the fire to warm up; the rain had chilled her down to the bone.

"Oh look who's back." Stef smiled sarcastically when her soaking wet daughter walked up to the campsite and sat by the fire, "Get stuck in the rain love?"

Taylor nodded sadly, thankfully because of the rain it was impossible to tell the difference between the tears on her cheeks and what was their from the storm, "I'm gonna go to the tent to change."

"Hurry back! We're playing that card game where you lose because you're never inappropriate!" Trevor teased, he was trying to keep his tone as playful as possible, knowing Taylor was hurt by the earlier conversation.

Taylor nodded solemnly before walking off to go to the teenage campsite one site away.

Stef looked around at the table of all boys, "What did you guys do to piss her off?"

"I got this." Brandon said standing up from the table heading after Taylor.

"Tay." Brandon whispered seeing his sister lying across the picnic table at their campsite.

"Go away." Taylor mumbled as she paused her music, "I'm just someone for her to fuck, I got it thanks."

"We're only looking out for you. I love Abby, she's great but if she hurts you I'm never gonna forgive myself for not warning you what her true intentions were. You know it's true, and I know you care for her but it's better if you just give up now. She is never leaving Luke, I think that night with everything that happened for your prom proves that." Brandon whispered laying down next to his sister.

"I know." Taylor choked on the words. "Brandon, what am I gonna do without you here next year. I'm gonna have to look out for myself, you don't have to look out for me forever you know."

Brandon smiled, "I know but I can while I'm still here, and I am aren't I? I'm here. And I'm pretty sure that this is my party which means we're gonna go eat more chocolate than we can handle and drink way too much soda since Lena isn't here to yell at us and enjoy one of our last weekends together. And forget about girls at home for a little while, alright Tay?"

Taylor wiped away a few more tears, "I'm sorry Brandon." She then slowly smiled, "I love you."

Brandon nodded and smiled warmly back at his younger sister, "I love you too Tay, and I'm gonna miss you." He wrapped his arms around Taylor and gave her a tight hug to prove the before stated fact.

The rest of the camping trip went smoothly, the kids playing card games, sitting by the fire telling stories, swimming in the freezing river behind the campsite and all around having a good time. Taylor sticking close to all her friends and her brothers realizing that Brandon leaving and her graduating early meant that there was only so many more of these times in the next year.

A week later, a week primarily filled with packing, Brandon was off to college and the other kids were just about to start their first days of school and the family was sad to see everyone moving on but filled with excitement to hear all about the new journeys this year would bring the family.

**Author's note: **

**Hi guys, it's been a while ( AND I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT!) and boy do I have a lot to say, but I'll save some of that for the next few chapters. Anyway, I will be graduating this year, a year early, which is why I've had no time to write since August but it's for the best which I will explain more in the next chapter, my "older brother" went away and I started writing this chapter based on our final weekend spent together where I suddenly realized how badly I was going to miss him and the rest of my little "family" in less than a year when two more off us go off to college and we are all looking at colleges in very different areas of the country so it's a little sad but also very exciting. Okay guys, well it's a four day weekend for me starting tomorrow and I'll try to write a bit more once I get some homework done tomorrow morning. Thanks for reading and as always, leave advice, reviews, ratings questions, whatever you desire as comments. I love you all! Lots of love. xoxo -Bri **


	27. Chapter 28

"Day one of kinda senior year so what do I have to complain about." Taylor laughed when she explained the situation to her old spanish teacher, one of her favorite teachers that she had every year since switching into Anchor Beach.

"You're skipping your junior year?" The teacher asked smiling. When Taylor replied with an enthusiastic yes the teacher gently put her arm on Taylor's, proud of the young student, "I'm glad, after everything you had to deal with last year, you deserve to be free a year earlier."

"Thank you." Taylor replied softly, looking down at her teacher's hand on her arm, not wincing away in pain for once.

"For what honey?"

Taylor shrugged, "For fighting for me this entire time. I was always in your class and you always offered to help in anyway you could. Like freshman year where you heard I had stuff thrown at me and I was shoved into a locker, you hung out on that floor in the morning and watched my locker so you could vouch for me when no one in administration would listen. Then again, sophomore year when I had to miss your class once a week for therapy and I was freaking out about missing work, your only reply was to make sure I got better and not worry about a missing homework here and there. You've just always been a great teacher to me and I really appreciate that."

Taylor's teacher looked baffled at first but then she slowly blinked as if blinking away tears.

Taylor flashed a small smile, "Sorry, it's a little too early to already be getting sentimental huh? I still have two hundred and sixty something days until the day I finally graduate."

Her teacher laughed at her, "Well, you are welcome to come here if you ever need anything for those two hundred and sixty something days until you get out of here, or even after. You can always come sit in here for lunch again too, but you should go see if you can find any friends first."

Taylor nodded and smiled, "I know. I think I have a few friends in this lunch, if not, maybe I should make some this last year."

The teacher walked partially through the hall with Taylor, continuing their conversation with talk of last year and Taylor's hopes for the new school year before Taylor made it to the cafeteria and said goodbye to go try and make some friends.

Taylor continued through her first day of school and managed to make it to her final class of the day without any incident, after successfully completing the day she went home and instantly fell into bed and quickly fell asleep until her mom came in to wake her for dinner.

"Hey love," Stef whispered gently shaking Taylor awake, "How was your first day of school?"

"Mom!" Taylor woke up instantly, "You're home! I didn't think you were coming back until the weekend, that's why we couldn't go with you to drop Brandon off, we would have missed school."

"I was going to stay but your brother is already settling in and I had you and your sisters and brothers starting school here today too." Stef smiled seeing the relief on Taylor's face. Even after the camping trip Taylor had the irrational fear of Stef leaving her just because her biological son was now in college.

"Mom." Taylor whispered again hugging Stef tightly, "Senior year was so different already, my teachers are so impressed with me graduating early and it's gonna be such a hard year academically but I'm not even stressed yet. And I didn't get hit and nothing derogatory was said to me on the first day!"

"That's great love." Stef whispered holding her daughter tightly in return, reassuring the teenager that her mother was here to help again this year, "Just remember today was only the first day, so things could get a little bit difficult like last year, but that's okay because we can help this year."

"I know." Taylor sighed, she knew this year wasn't going to be easy and stress free but she was ecstatic that unlike last year she didn't come home with a bruise on the first day. "We'll see what this year brings."

Stef nodded and followed her daughter down to the kitchen where the rest of the family was waiting with dinner and sharing stories from their own days. One less chair was filled and it seemed a little weird at first but then the family just fell into their normal routine. A few more days had passed and Taylor had managed to begin talking to some of the seniors, whose classes she was now a part of, and she was managing to keep up on all of the schoolwork she had in order to graduate a year early. About half a month into school Taylor did decide she had to give up one of her two jobs, and regrettingly said goodbye to the job she surprisingly loved but found that she was slightly less stressed out already by taking just one small thing off her plate. Taylor was off to a good start to the year and a really strong one at that, all within the first month of school she managed to keep good grades in her regular classes, get a third of the way through one of her extra classes needed to graduate early, she was able to commit more to teaching karate to the kids; something she adored. All while managing to complete all her college visits, her application and requests for teacher recommendations in order to get early acceptance into her top choice colleges.

About a month and a half into school and after passing eight months self harm free, Taylor began to notice something coming back. Taylor's grades slowly started slipping in some classes, she hadn't touched her extra class in a week or two, maybe more, and she hadn't been showing up as much to help teach. Taylor had begun over sleeping a lot more and caring a little less about getting into college on time.

It was the night before a big test in her pre-calculus class and Taylor hadn't studied at all yet but she needed a good grade to get her math grade back to passing. Taylor was so upset with herself over the issue of slipping into depression again and not caring about her studies that she worked herself up to the point of grabbing her old tool from where she kept it hidden and sitting up in bed with it in her hand for most of the night. Taylor was struggling again, and once again keeping it from her support system.

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, shorter chapter but it's setting the story up some. I told you this was never this easy, depression comes back and Taylor is gonna have some drama and issues that she is gonna have to overcome again, you'll just have to read to find out more ;) **

**Anyway, read, review, enjoy! Thanks! Lots of love! xoxo -Bri **


	28. Chapter 29

"Well I didn't use it so you can stop being annoying about it." Taylor rolled her eyes as she picked up a book and flipped it open to the page she last left off on.

"But the stress of this all caused you to almost use it and almost hurt yourself again! How are you dismissing this! You need to tell Stef and Lena, right now." Callie sighed frustrated with her sister, she had taken on all this extra stress just as she was beginning to get better and Callie hated the fact that Taylor acted as if it wasn't going to have an affect on her. "They need to know to help you get on track, or else you aren't gonna graduate this year, then will it be a big deal?!"

"Then I fail and don't graduate this year! What's the big fucking deal if I don't want to graduate early anymore?" Taylor screamed back at her sister. "You know what, if you don't support me and my plan to get the hell out of here, then why don't you get out of my face. I can't deal with anyone who isn't one hundred percent supportive of the things I do anymore."

"Tay. That's not what I'm saying." Callie replied shortly, "You know I support you getting out of here. I just worry about you already giving up, maybe you're not ready."

"Look," Taylor replied finally putting her book down and looking Callie in the eye, "I am ready, it's just that I have a lot going on so I decided that I was putting my mental health first this year, which means if I need to stop doing homework and go to bed, then I will go to bed and take a zero. If I need to miss a day of school, I will and pay the consequences. I'm still going to graduate early."

"You won't though. They won't let you graduate early if your grades slip. You know how hard Lena had to fight for you to get this?" Callie explained exasperated. "No, because Lena didn't tell you that they weren't gonna let you graduate early, why do you think she told you less than a week before school started, because she spent the entire summer for you to graduate this year and now you're just throwing it away!"

"Callie! I had one bad night okay. I didn't cut. I'm still going to do fine for the quarter in school, okay? Calm down." Taylor muttered leaving the room. "I can't do this right now."

Taylor left the room and went downstairs to where she thought her moms would be but didn't see anyone around, feeling defeated from her earlier argument with Callie, Taylor retreated into the backyard. She wasn't trying to jeopardize her chances of getting done with school this year, Taylor was just becoming depressed again. Which made sense, she had been doing really well for about six months with no therapy, no meds, nothing that was supposed to "help." Taylor closed her eyes hoping her migraine due to the stress would go away if she were to just lay outside in peace for a few minutes.

An hour later Stef came out into the backyard and woke Taylor up by sitting next to her and stroking her daughter's hair out of her eyes. "Callie told me you two got into a fight."

"Of course she did." Taylor grumbled lifting her head to put it in her mother's lap. "She's projecting. She's freaking out about having to save me from the stress of senior year when really she should be yelling those things at herself."

"You realize why she's worried about you though right?" Stef asked worried about the same thing Callie was. "You do have a lot going on."

Taylor shook her head in response, "I know. But I'm handling it, I just had a rough couple of days but I still am doing really well. I promise mom."

"Momma's been worried about you too." Stef whispered looking towards the kitchen window to see if her wife was home yet.

"I know mom." Taylor whispered back, "Okay, so maybe I'm not as great as I was right before school started but I'm not overly depressed again and I'm not cutting and I'm graduating this year so I will be okay. It's just a lot of stuff going on and I started being overwhelmed but I am okay."

"I really hope so love." Stef kissed her daughter's forehead, "We all really want this for you."

Stef hugged her daughter quickly before going back inside to check on her other children and see how their homework was going.

Taylor waited another moment outside enjoying the incoming fall breeze before heading inside and up to her room. She quickly grabbed her textbooks, her laptop and went downstairs to the dining room table. Without saying a word to any of her family who were all in the living room she sat down at the dining room table and flipped open her math book, and began to catch up on the homework she was behind on. After finishing three math assignment Taylor opened her laptop to begin working on her extra classes online when Lena walked into the dining room.

"We were looking for you earlier but you weren't in your room." Lena said smiling at her daughter as she sat down at the table next to the teen.

"Oh, sorry." Taylor mumbled looking up from her work, "I was in here, I couldn't focus in my room and I really needed to get some homework done."

"Don't apologize for doing homework." Lena chuckled at her daughter, "Do you need help with any of it? I know your grades went down a little."

"No." Taylor replied quickly, "I mean, you don't have to help, you already fought so much for me to graduate I can fight to complete the class load now."

"Who told you I had to fight for this?" Lena asked worriedly, she had tried keeping that from Taylor so she wouldn't put too much pressure on herself to get great grades and finish all her classes early.

Taylor looked to the ground, not wanting to get Callie in trouble despite their fight earlier. "I could use some help with this business law course. It's so boring."

Lena laughed again, leaning over to see what it was her daughter was working on for the class, "See, I loved my business law course in college."

Taylor inquisitively watched her mom, "Why did you need business law to become a teacher?"

"You don't." Lena shrugged, "I thought it would be fun."

Taylor laughed at her mom's strange definition of "fun". She managed to sit down and finish two out of eight of the lessons in the course which made Lena ecstatic because it meant that hopefully Taylor was over her small bump and back on the track to graduate a year early.

After finishing a bunch of the work that she was behind on, Taylor went upstairs to find her sister.

"I'm sorry." Taylor whispered as soon as she walked into Callie's room, "I know you support me, I'm just a little bit of a stressed out mess right now."

"No, I'm sorry." Callie apologized, "It's the graduation goggles right now, I mean Brandon's gone, you, me and the twins will all be scattered about the country next year. I guess I'm a bit of a mess too."

Taylor laughed, "When aren't we both a mess. I'm just really glad you pointed out the fact that I'm kinda getting behind already. Lena sat down and helped me and we came up with a plan to get everything done. So I am gonna graduate early, and the fight wasn't for nothing."

"I'm glad." Callie said laying down on her bed getting ready to go to sleep for the night. Noticing this Taylor turned to leave the room about to say goodnight when Callie interrupted her, "And I didn't mean to dismiss it earlier, that was incredible of you to hold your tool and not self harm the other night, I'm sorry for not believing that you were strong enough."

"I love you Callie." Taylor whispered, not sure how to react to the comment, "Goodnight."

Taylor made her way back to her room and into her bed when Lena came in to talk with her again, "Hey love. I need to tell you something."

Taylor could tell from her mother's shaking voice that it was something important and she shot right up in bed, "Momma, what's wrong?"

Lena cleared her throat trying to hide the shakiness, "I want to make sure you don't push yourself too hard this year, to the point of panic attacks and depression spells again. Okay? Because I understand how draining these panic attacks can be and how terrifying they are now."

Taylor grew worried about her mother, "Momma, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

Lena shook her head no, it was the first time Taylor had ever seen her mother appear panicky and weak, "I've been dealing with some anxiety lately and some serious panic attacks according to mom, and I don't want you to ever feel like this if we can prevent it okay?"

Taylor shook her head not knowing how to respond, her mother was always so strong. Lena was the one who helped Taylor through everything, she was always so happy. "Momma." Taylor couldn't finish the sentence, not sure what to say.

Taylor smiled in encouragement, knowing how her mother was feeling, and whispered a goodnight and love you as Lena left the room. In that moment, Taylor decided that she was going to finish this year and stay happy and healthy so she could help her mom they way Lena had helped her through last year. She couldn't stand to see Lena in so much discomfort but still had no idea how to comfort her or what to say.

**Author's note: **

**Hi guys! Here's another update since the last one was so short. Anyway, I was hoping to ask for advice this time. My "mother" much like Lena has started having terrible anxiety and she's not saying what brought it one and I want to send her words of encouragement and let her know that I want to help but feel like that's awkward coming from a teenager to an adult? I'm not sure but if anyone had any ideas on what I could say that would be fantastic. I have to get some more homework done but I will try and update some more this week. Lots of love! xoxo -Bri**


	29. Chapter 30

"Momma?" Taylor whispered seeing her mother looking around the crowded room, panicking slightly. "Momma, it's okay. I promise."

Taylor had never been so calm at one of her competitions, she was always freaking out, either about the competition itself or over the sheer amount of people in one high school gym. But today, she had decided that she was calm, she had to be to help her mother who was having an attack.

"I know. I'm okay." Lena lied through her teeth trying not to worry her daughter.

"Momma, are you sure? You don't have to be okay if you're not."

"Hey now, I'm the mom aren't I? Go kick butt and don't worry about me, alright love?" Lena kissed her daughter's forehead and then sent her off towards the area where she would be competing.

A few minutes later and Taylor looked up and noticed her mother missing, searching the stands Lena was nowhere to be found. Taylor quickly put down her stuff and went outside to see if she could see her mother and saw her sitting outside on the stone wall, almost as if she was gasping for air. Taylor wasn't sure exactly how to react, she had panic attacks before but had never really come upon someone who had always been strong like Lena struggling before.

"Why don't we go home?" Taylor suggested quietly to her mother. "I'm done competing there's no reason for us to stay."

"Okay." Lena sighed in relief, she was still visibly shaking. Taylor just smiled weakly as she ran inside and grabbed her stuff while her mother waited outside to get into the car and go home.

Taylor smiled softly at her mother, not sure exactly what to say and just quietly talked about nothing on the ride home to try and make everything normal, Taylor was listening to music with her eyes closed when she realized she didn't know what to do for her mom and decided to get some rest and give her mother some time alone while driving home.

"Goodnight love." Lena whispered softly as her daughter groggily made her way into bed and up the stairs to her room.

"Goodnight momma." Taylor didn't dare say anything else, she didn't know what else she could say.

The next morning when Taylor got up and stayed in her room for a few moments before going down to check in with her family. Seeing that it was only five thirty in the morning, she didn't expect too many people to be up in the morning. Despite it being so early Taylor couldn't help but smile when her mother was sitting down in the kitchen at the table holding a cup of tea with another sitting on the table in Taylor's seat with her favorite book.

"You don't look so good momma."

"Gee, thanks my love."

"Sorry, I didn't mean that..." Taylor looked down at the rim of her cup of tea, "I just meant that you don't look okay."

Lena very faintly smiled, she had deep purple bags under her eyes. She just looked so drained, almost as if she was too exhausted to be awake right then. Her voice was softer, weaker than normal. Taylor wasn't entirely sure what she could do to help her mother and was so afraid to ask because she felt that it was weird coming from a teenager to an adult.

"Momma, can I help at all?"

"No. Thank you though love."

"Okay." Taylor went back to playing with the rim of her tea mug, "Well then I'll just be thinking positive things for you. And when I can help, I'll do whatever I can."

"Thank you love."

"I love you Momma." For some reason that seemed to be the thing that Taylor wanted to say the most to help her mother and was most afraid to say but it made Lena smile for just a moment before going back to her tired soft smile and that was what made it worth it for Taylor, she was going to be able to help her mother.

A few days later and Lena had been getting better and Taylor stopped worrying quite as much about her mother and Lena went back to her same, wonderful crazy and caring self which Taylor very much appreciated as things got a little bit harder for Taylor having one of the most important adults in her life at full strength was something she was incredibly grateful for.

**Hello lovelies! **

**Bri here, I know it's been a while, who am I again? ;) Anyway, I'm dealing with some stuff but wanted to continue off last chapter and I wanted to say things got better with that person I was worried about. However, I am starting to deal with some other pretty bad stuff, which is why I'm writing a new chapter right now and have the entire night to finish **

**it because no school work for once for a night. Sending lots of love to the amazing people who need to hear it! xoxo Stay strong lovelies! **

**And as always, leave me a review! I love to hear as many people's thoughts as I can! :) Lots of love! (also sorry for a shorter chapter!) **


	30. Chapter 31

Taylor had been doing pretty well for a while, she had managed to be getting decent grades and working with all her extra classes, keeping an alright social life and still stay semi mentally healthy. That was until a huge amount of drama began between her and a bunch of her friends and siblings, that's when Taylor began to withdraw from a lot of people and isolate herself, slowly allowing her depression to come back.

Taylor was scrolling through a friend's online account, a friend who happened to be an ex-girlfriend who things hadn't ended on the best terms with and took a long time for the two to end up being friends again when she noticed a post that caught her attention. It was basically a post about her, or so she thought, or more accurately at the time so she hoped. Without thinking she logged out of her account and become anonymous to ask this friend online who those posts were about.

Things with Abby, were at a standstill, the two had a fight and Abby still had a boyfriend at the time. Taylor knew she didn't want to be the girl on the side and began to spend more time with her friends, Max and Trevor and of course her brother Jesus. And with this new group Taylor had too begun to hang around more with her friend, and on sorta complicated terms ex, Eliza. Eliza and Taylor had dated almost two years ago, it was right after Taylor had started high school, and incidentally right after Taylor had been bullied daily for being gay and began self harming because of all of that. In the end, the relationship didn't work between the two girls and caused both to be in their own dark places but most recently the two had been growing close again, always hanging out when it was just them and the guys and spending many nights texting late into the night.

One of Taylor's favorite parts about her and Eliza finally being back to being friends without any awkwardness after the two years was that both were finally in good places, the conversations between the two were now friendly and playful, talking about books, music, anything happier than what their conversations had been when all they ever dealt with was their mental health issues.

So Taylor went online and commented asking who the post was about. Did she really want to know? She wasn't entirely sure. Yes, she had been trying to figure out her feelings recently involving all the people in her awkward teenage octagon but maybe there was something unresolved that Taylor just had to find out between her and Eliza. Maybe that's why Taylor wanted nothing more when they were alone than to just press herself against Eliza and kiss her because she craved being physically close to her. But after things had ended last time, how could she risk blowing everything up again when she wasn't entirely sure what it was she wanted. Less than a month ago, she was hopelessly in love with Abby. Can you be in love with two people at once? Could she simply love Abby but still want to have a casual no strings attached relationship with Eliza?

Taylor was a mess, and the moment she sent that comment, she regretted it. Panicking that Eliza would be able to tell it was her who had sent the comment. After several more comments, Eliza could figure it out and had asked Taylor. But, Taylor had no reply, she didn't know how to explain what she wanted.

What Taylor wanted, something simple no strings attached this isn't going to be forever casual dating, she felt as though that was wrong to ask of Eliza, especially after the last time. The simple casual dating, that's what Taylor wanted though, she wanted to be able to just "hang out" and not have anything formal of it, no labels, no telling anyone and making a big deal out of it. Just hanging out and if she felt like it being able to do stupid teenage things like holding hands or kissing but not the offical always together and never having a moment alone thing that everyone considered to dating to be. As Taylor was sitting there considering this idea, her phone buzzed.

"So was I right or was I wrong? Was it you that commented those things?" It was a text from Eliza.

Taylor picked up her phone and had no idea how to reply, was she supposed to lie and say no? Taylor was laying in bed, flipping the phone over in her hand when she decided she wasn't going to answer, because if she said yes, she was afraid Eliza may expect that the two of them become something, and that's not what Taylor wanted, she wanted secert and casual, almost friends with benefits is what Taylor wanted. She just didn't know how to do that when she still never forgave herself for hurting Eliza the first time, and for causing Eliza to cut after they had broken up the first time. So how could she ask her do this now? Taylor shook her head and put her phone back away, not even knowing who to ask for advice on this, before replying to Eliza.

She knew what her moms would say, just be friends that plenty. Especially after what happened when they broke up. Stef especially since she was there and saw the bruise went into crazy mother mode wanting to freak out at Eliza for "abusing" her daughter. Thankfully, Taylor was able to calm her mother down and reason that wasn't what was happening at all, Lena would have had a similar reaction. Brandon was away and dealing with more important things at college. Callie was busy with dealing with her own relationship problems, Jesus she couldn't ask or any of the guys she was close with for that matter because they would tell her to follow her gut and she didn't know what her gut was telling her. She had to make this decision on her own, what she was going to tell her friend.

"Hello?" Taylor's phone buzzed again, Eliza, again.

"Well..." Taylor began to reply.

She didn't want to lose a friend over this but she was afraid that she already screwed up so bad that she had already ruined her friendship, again.

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, so I need some serious advice here, or maybe I just needed to rant through my chapter. I don't know yet but Taylor's situation is entirely mine, and I have no idea what to do to fix it. I wasn't thinking that she would find out it was me until I was ready and knew what I was hoping for from that comment online. Help! Advice appreciated. **

**Anyway, story wise, I am super inspired right now so I'll be updating again, hopefully tomorrow but two chapters in one night is enough for now so nothing more tonight. Thanks guys and as always review and leave your thoughts! Lots of Love! xoxo -Bri **


	31. Chapter 32

A few days had passed since the drama with Eliza began, Taylor had finally had enough space and quiet to get through her thoughts and feelings and realized that the only reasonable option was to tell Eliza the truth, yes Taylor had sent those messages.

The two finally had a discussion about what both of them wanted and settled on a loose version of "friends with benefits". Taylor needed something that as no strings attached and just no falling for eachother and no relationship.

The two before had an actual relationship and it didn't end. In fact, Taylor had called it off for her own reasons, she just wasn't ready for everything while dealing with her own mental health. After it ended however, was when it got terrible between the two. After it had ended, Taylor and Eliza ended up in a fight were the two were no longer friends, they wouldn't text or talk anymore. They couldn't even hang out with their group of friends at the same time anymore. But that wasn't even the worst of it.

The two were in a controlled environment, practicing their fighting when Taylor almost blacked out. She had tears streaming down her face and snot running from her nose, coughing repeatedly. Taylor couldn't look up but it felt as though Eliza had ahold of the edge of her helmet, while she was repeatedly kneeing her in the ribs. Finally it stopped and Taylor could stand back up, tears still streaming down her face in front of everyone. Brandon and Stef were both there, watching her fight and finally Brandon had enough of watching his sister stagger around because of the pain in her side and he pulled Taylor over to the side and told her she had to sit and not fight anymore before killing herself from the rib pain. Stef came rushing over towards her daughter to check on her but Taylor just dropped her head rather than making eye contact with her mother.

Later that night, Taylor had showed Stef the bruise across her ribs, it went from her lower rib up to her top part of her bra strap, covering her entire side and ribs. Stef wanted to take Taylor in to get checked but Taylor insisted she was fine and Stef decided to drop that part of the conversation.

"That's abuse." Stef warned Taylor, worried that Taylor couldn't see how awful the thing that had happened to her was.

"I know." Was all Taylor could manage as a reply.

"That was an abusive relationship. And I know you want to stay friends but I'm not sure that's what's best for you love." Stef wanted more than anything for her daughter to see that what had just happened is what they warned Taylor about in health classes.

Taylor finally came out of her trance, listening to her friend go on and on about the whole "abusive relationships don't actually happen as often as the health teacher says to kids our age". Taylor had been thinking about that previous incident ever since the day before when she had this plan while hanging out with Elisa.

The two girls had been hanging out a day or two after they decided to be "friends with benefits" and Taylor had this plan. She was going to pull over at the beach, the car would be far enough from everyone else and she was going to whisper to Eliza to close her eyes. Then Taylor was going to swing her leg over around Eliza, straddling her while Taylor traced her fingers over Eliza's face until finally slowly leaning in for a kiss. Then when the two finally realized how much they had always wanted that one simple kiss and turn into something more. Taylor would press herself harder against Elisa and their lips would crave each other, Eliza would wrap her hands around Taylor's and Taylor would be pulling Eliza's head closer to hers, craving to physically be pushed together and Taylor even hoped that maybe it would go even further between the two of them. But she became to anxious, too worried after what had happened last time between the two of them and worrying that it would happen again. So she didn't go for it like she had planned, she simply put the car back in drive and brought Eliza home, freaking about what was going to happen with the two of them.

Finally after thinking more and more about it, Taylor decided she couldn't deal with the possibility of getting herself into an "abusive relationship" again, as Stef called it, even if she didn't believe that's what it was. She texted Eliza simply saying "We can't do this. I can't have that happen again." About a week had passed and Taylor felt as though she had done the wrong thing, things were now awkward between Eliza and herself again and she hated it.

Until finally one night about a week after telling Eliza she couldn't do it, Taylor was laying in her cold room and felt incredibly lonely and empty so she texted Eliza. Taylor had been laying on her side, eyes closed imaging Eliza there with her arms around Taylor's shoulders and Eliza gently kissing Taylor's neck while the two watched the show Taylor was watching. Eliza's hand slowly making her way down Taylor's side, caressing her body, until she made it to the edge of Taylor's pants, she would toy with the waistband until slowly, waiting for permission where she would put her hand underneath the pants, driving Taylor crazy. Until finally Taylor would turn around and kiss Eliza, having it turn into a moment of passion. Taylor sighed having this fantasy because she knew she didn't want the relationship side where things could turn bad, and her moms would find out that Eliza and Taylor were dating again but she really wanted these little fantasy moments she would have with Eliza. With all of this going around in her head, Taylor had no idea what to do to deal with the whole Eliza situation and no one she dared ask for help.

**Hey guys, new update here. So what did you think? That's what happened between Taylor and Eliza after the last chapter. And I mean, what should Taylor do? Clearly there is some conflicting emotions here but if Stef thought what happened before was an abusive relationship should I give into my temptations? If you feel comfortable, I could really use some advice here guys. If not then please enjoy the story and there will be a new update soon. Lots of love, xoxo -Bri **


	32. Chapter 33

"Brandon!" Taylor shrieked while giggling, filled with excitement that her older brother was back. "You're finally back! I knew you were coming in but I didn't think it was until later."

"Hey nerd." Brandon flashed a smile as his younger sister tried not to jump up and down out of excitement.

"I have to go teach. But we need to talk after!" Taylor's smile was almost as big as her face, and definitely bigger than it had been in days. She quickly made it through her obligations and soon enough, Brandon, Max and Taylor were down the street getting a pizza together and laughing at college stories and telling about their own high school stories since the group had last seen Brandon.

Taylor went home and instantly fell into bed, glad to have the holiday here tomorrow and get it out of the way. Holiday's were always awkward for her because she never knew the family members and felt the need to act differently in front of some of them.

"Well, family holidays are always fun." Taylor muttered sarcastically as she finally closed the door on the last relative at almost eight pm. "Do they not realize we don't actually like them that much and it would be better for everyone if we had just gone and got pancakes by ourselves."

Stef chuckled but tried to explain to her daughter that one day, Taylor would miss big family holidays.

Taylor muttered a "doubtful" while grabbing the towel she was using to dry dishes off the counter and grabbed the pan sitting in the sink.

"How has school been, my love?" Stef smiled at her daughter while trying to find out information that wasn't Taylor's favorite subject.

"Very schooly." Taylor had a smug look but quickly wiped it from her face and decided to finish her answer, "It's fine mom. Nothing has been happening."

Stef nodded but seemed unconvinced as she went back to scrubbing the turkey pan.

"Actually mom, I was hoping to talk to you about school. So I applied for the LGBT teenage rights board and um, I got it. I got on the board or whatever." Taylor paused for a moment making eye contact with her mother, "Which might mean that I can't graduate this year. Which I know what you're going to say but please hear me out. This could make an actual different for kids who are just like I was, alone, scared, not even sure how to continue with these issues. Do you know how much this could have helped me my freshman year? Plus I have some friends now at school and I promise I won't let my grades slip and I promise I won't get rude and moody again or depressed or anything. I swear!" Taylor finally stopped talking and took a breath, waiting for her mother's reply.

"Are you sure?" Stef seemed calm, Taylor expected her to be yelling by now.

"Mom, this could make a difference for so many kids. I could actually make my life have a little bit of meaning through this work. I really want to do this." Taylor paused again, unsure what else she dared to say, "I know we fought for this. I know it, and it's gonna seem weird to suddenly want to stay after hating school for so long but... but... This will make me happy."

Stef paused, and then gripped the pan she was cleaning so tightly, Taylor noticed her knuckles turn white, "It's your decision you just need to know whichever you decide, it's up to you and you have to live with the consequences."

"I know mom. Buut me suffering for another year and half if it means I can help kids from suffering through their whole time in school." Taylor slowly finishing the pan she was one began to get lost in thought,. "It's gonna make me happy."

She then could tell there was going to be an uncomfortable silence and quickly grabbed her cell phone, turning on some classic rock music and instantly knew the song, she laughed as Stef began to hum along. Soon enough, taylor was dancing around while doing the dishes and Stef was quietly singing, the two of them were just enjoying the moment.

A few days later and Taylor was still doing okay, she, Brandon, Jesus and their friends Max and Trevor were going out to a hockey game to celebrate Brandon being home before he went back to college the next day. The game went without a problem, the kids running around the city laughing and drinking hot chocolate afterwards while trying to take pictures with the city christmas lights but having trouble because they were too busy laughing the whole time. Once the boys and Taylor had decided they were finally cold enough to go back to the car, they barely made it out of town before deciding they had to stop and get some disgusting greasy breakfast food from the cheap breakfast place they were driving by.

The night concluded with a nerf war out in the back yard and spraying some sparkling cider allover eachother while trying to open it to get a drink. Taylor was sitting in a chair avoiding the mess laughing hysterically when she realized she hadn't actually felt happy in quite a few weeks before that night. She also realized that the happiness from that night would be temporary and she began to worry, what if she couldn't do this for another year?

**Author's note: **

**Hey guys, so a bit of a happier chapter because older brother was back for a little while! But I have some more stuff to write about that I'm starting right now and hopefully won't be interrupted during. Let me know what you thought of the chapter. Stay strong lovely people! xoxo. Lots of Love! -Bri **


End file.
